John Kielly
Shari's fan club
Is it true what USASA is saying about Lance Armstrong, that if they can't get him this time for doping, they have enough to put him away him for pedaling?
Geronimo Jim
New member
One of the funnies jokes in history!
C
Calumet
Guest
Thumbs up With age comes wisdom...
An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody standing around was laughing.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;
"Son, have you ever kissed a mules ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No, no, no sir... but... I've always wanted to!"
There are a few lessons for all of us here:
*Don't be arrogant.
*Don't waste ammunition.
*Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
*Always make sure you know who is in control...
*And finally, Don't screw around with old folks;
they didn't get old by being stupid...
An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody standing around was laughing.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The silence was deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;
"Son, have you ever kissed a mules ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No, no, no sir... but... I've always wanted to!"
There are a few lessons for all of us here:
*Don't be arrogant.
*Don't waste ammunition.
*Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
*Always make sure you know who is in control...
*And finally, Don't screw around with old folks;
they didn't get old by being stupid...
Vern
Morethan1waytoskinacat
I was in Starbucks recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really loud so I timed my fart with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me… And suddenly I remembered I was listening to my iPod …and how was your day?
That's what happens when old people start using technology !
Vern
Morethan1waytoskinacat
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt
in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt
in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
Geronimo Jim
New member
Great...........I just read this to my blond wife and it made her laugh!
The Gold Urinal
Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for
some campaign advice, at their spacious home.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he
could use his personal bathroom.
When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that
Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!
That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. "Just
think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal.
But I wouldn't have something so self-indulgent!"
Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how
impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his
private bathroom, Bill had a gold urinal.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary
smiled and said to Bill: "I found out who pissed in your saxaophone."
Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for
some campaign advice, at their spacious home.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he
could use his personal bathroom.
When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that
Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow!
That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. "Just
think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal.
But I wouldn't have something so self-indulgent!"
Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how
impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his
private bathroom, Bill had a gold urinal.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary
smiled and said to Bill: "I found out who pissed in your saxaophone."
seblambang
seb
Woman asks: If I sleep with three men, everyone calls me a slut, but when a man sleeps with ten women everyone calls him a real man. How come...!?
Answer: It's very simple, when one lock can be opened by three different keys it's a bad lock but when one key can open ten different locks you call it master key!
Answer: It's very simple, when one lock can be opened by three different keys it's a bad lock but when one key can open ten different locks you call it master key!
Vern
Morethan1waytoskinacat
There was once a golf course that was haunted by a malicious, evil
leprechaun who exploited the ambitions of the poorer players.
He popped up beside one unfortunate man who was participating
in a club competition, losing terribly.
“Look,” he said, “if you agree never to court a woman, flirt
with a girl or marry one, I’ll help you win.”
“Done,” shouted the young golfer. The leprechaun was very
pleased with his conniving ways, and chuckled merrily thinking
of the misery he caused to the poor man.
When the golfer was in the clubhouse being praised by the
other members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the
locker.
“Hey,” said the Irish rascal, “I have to have your name for me
records. What is it?”
“Father Murphy,” grinned the golfer, as he turned to face the
imp while adjustng his Roman collar.
leprechaun who exploited the ambitions of the poorer players.
He popped up beside one unfortunate man who was participating
in a club competition, losing terribly.
“Look,” he said, “if you agree never to court a woman, flirt
with a girl or marry one, I’ll help you win.”
“Done,” shouted the young golfer. The leprechaun was very
pleased with his conniving ways, and chuckled merrily thinking
of the misery he caused to the poor man.
When the golfer was in the clubhouse being praised by the
other members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the
locker.
“Hey,” said the Irish rascal, “I have to have your name for me
records. What is it?”
“Father Murphy,” grinned the golfer, as he turned to face the
imp while adjustng his Roman collar.
Vern
Morethan1waytoskinacat
A man, whose level of drunkenness and forgetfulness was
bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat
on his face.
“Maybe all I need is some fresh air,” thought the man as he
crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
“Screw it,” he thought. “I’ll just crawl home.”
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
“You went out drinking last night, didn’t you?” she said.
“Uh, yes,” he said sheepishly. “How did you know?”
“The bartender called. You left your wheelchair at the bar
again.”
bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat
on his face.
“Maybe all I need is some fresh air,” thought the man as he
crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
“Screw it,” he thought. “I’ll just crawl home.”
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
“You went out drinking last night, didn’t you?” she said.
“Uh, yes,” he said sheepishly. “How did you know?”
“The bartender called. You left your wheelchair at the bar
again.”
This one touched my heart.
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no
family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the
Kentucky back-country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical
man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and
saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in
sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch .I
felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side
of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I
didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played
like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I
wept, we all wept together.. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and
started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.
As I was opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "
I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic
tanks for twenty years."
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no
family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the
Kentucky back-country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical
man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and
saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in
sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch .I
felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side
of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I
didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played
like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I
wept, we all wept together.. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and
started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.
As I was opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "
I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic
tanks for twenty years."
K
kansasvet
Guest
When I was a freshman in high school we had an English Literature teacher that was also very interested in psychology. He would tell us jokes and then ask us why we laughed at a particular joke.
This is one I remember.
An employee ran excitedly into the office and yelled " Boss, Joe just hung himself in the hall closet". The boss replied, "Have you cut him down?" To which the employee replied "No". The boss ask "Why not?" and the employeed replied, "Because he isn't dead yet."
This is one I remember.
An employee ran excitedly into the office and yelled " Boss, Joe just hung himself in the hall closet". The boss replied, "Have you cut him down?" To which the employee replied "No". The boss ask "Why not?" and the employeed replied, "Because he isn't dead yet."
Speaking German in Texas
Near Fredericksburg, Texas, where there is a large German-speaking population. A farmer walking down a country road noticed a man drinking from his pond with his hand.
The farmer shouted: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen."
(Which means: "Don't drink the water; the cows have s*** in it.")
The man shouted back: "I'm from New York, and just down here campaigning for Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The farmer replied: "Use two hands--you'll get more."
Near Fredericksburg, Texas, where there is a large German-speaking population. A farmer walking down a country road noticed a man drinking from his pond with his hand.
The farmer shouted: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen."
(Which means: "Don't drink the water; the cows have s*** in it.")
The man shouted back: "I'm from New York, and just down here campaigning for Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."
The farmer replied: "Use two hands--you'll get more."
F
fishbone
Guest
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
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The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
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