we need a humor forum.....until then

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have Molly The Camel."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has his way with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"No not really, sir. They usually just ride the camel into town, where the girls are."
 
The Widow

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks,
we'll be gone at first light.

'The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'' Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?
'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'
_________________________
 
question....


How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?




answer: Two!!!




But I have no idea how they got in there!
 
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.


"Oh! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,

2 were on the phone " .
 
I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.


Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.



A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.
 
A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.

Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand..."You are indeed a fine salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected.'

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded.

"That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged.. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this B-B-B-B-Bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"
 
Hotel Guest

An hour after checking into the motel, the guest stormed up to the front desk. “What kind of chickenshiit joint are you running?” he shouted.

“What’s the problem, sir? The confused desk clerk asked. “I went up to my room, unlocked the door, and there was a man holding a gun, “blustered the irate guest. “He told me to get on my knee's and give him a blow job or he’d blast my brains all over the room.” “Oh my,” gasped the clerk, shocked and embarrassed. “What did you do?” The guest screamed “Well, you didn’t hear any shots, did you?”
 
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A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those
guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in,
"I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here
comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello
George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow,
aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind
firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,
so we always let them play for free anytime!." The group fell silent for a
moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
 
Old Woman

Grandma Goes to Court

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years.

Defense! Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!"….And that's when I shot the son of a B****!
 
Two elderly gents decided they were
close to their last days and decide to have
a last night on the town. After a few drinks,
they end up at the local brothel
the madam takes one look at the two old
geezers and whispers to her manager,
'go up to the first two bedrooms and put
an inflated doll in each bed. These two are
so old and drunk, i'm not wasting two of
my girls on them. They won't know the
difference.
The manager does as he is told and the two
old men go upstairs and take care of their
business.
As they are walking home the first man says,
you know, i think my girl was dead!'
'dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that?'
'well, she never moved or made a sound all
the time i was loving her.
His friend says, 'could be worse i think mine
was a witch.
A witch ??. .
Why the hell would you say that?
'well, i was making love to her, kissing her
on the neck, and i gave her a little bite, then
she farted and flew out the window... Took
my teeth with her!
 
The wife left a note on the fridge “It’s not working, I can’t take it anymore!
Gone to stay at my Dad’s."

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.

Not sure what she was talking about!
 
A couple goes on a vacation to a fishing resort in Northern Alberta. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?"). "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."


"Have a nice day Ma'am"
 
Pin Drops

At a time when our president and other politicians tend to apologize
for our country's prior actions, here's a refresher on how some of our
former patriots handled negative comments about our country.

These stories are good reminders of how proud and thankful we should
always be as Americans

JFK'S

Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when

DeGaule decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaule said he wanted all US

military out of France as soon as possible.

Rusk responded, "Does that include those who are buried here?"

DeGuale did not respond.

You could have heard a pin drop.


When in England ,

at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the

Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of

'empire building' by George Bush.

He answered by saying,

"Over the years, the United States has sent many of

its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom

beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for

in return is enough to bury those that did not

return."

You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



There was a conference in France

where a number of international engineers

were taking part, including French and American. During a break,

one of the French engineers came back into the room saying, "Have you

heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft

carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he

intend to do, bomb them?"



A Boeing engineer

stood up and replied quietly: "Our carriers have three

hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are

nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to

shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to

feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand

gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a

dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and

from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships;

how many does France have?"

You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



A U.S. Navy Admiral

was attending a naval conference that included

Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French

Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large

group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a

French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many

languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, "Why is it that

we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than

speaking French?"



Without hesitating,

the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it's because the

Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't

have to speak German."

You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND

THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...

Robert Whiting,

an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane.

At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport

in his carry on.

"You

have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked

sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting

admitted that he had been to France

previously.

"Then

you should know enough to have your passport ready."


The American said,

"The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible.

Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France !"

The American senior

gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he

quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in

1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen

to show a passport to."

You could have heard a pin drop.
 
After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart it’s Eric, I’m on the train – yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting – no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life – yes, I’m sure, cross my heart” etc., etc.

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly , when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice: ”Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!”

Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer.
 
I was watching the Olympic sailing the other day. China took Gold, Germany took Silver, and Somalia took Jim & Mavis - a couple from Surrey - hostage
 
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.
Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
 
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