we need a humor forum.....until then

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly fromSan Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
 
Three young police officers, fresh out of the academy, get sworn in at a very busy New York city precinct. An Italian kid, a Jewish kid, and a Liberal kid who had just moved out from Berkeley California. All three are sent to the duty desk for their assignments, where a world-weary cynical veteran Sergeant interviewed them one by one.

He asks the Italian kid "Who killed Jesus Christ?" The Italian kid bristles and says "Come on Sarge, everybody knows the Jews killed Jesus." Sarge assigns the Italian kid to walking a beat in the Bronx.

Next, he calls in the Jewish kid. "Who killed Jesus Christ?" The Jewish kid bristles and says "Are you kidding me? The Romans killed Jesus." Sarge assigns the Jewish kid to walking a beat in Brooklyn.

Last, he calls in the Liberal kid. "Who killed Jesus Christ?" The Liberal kid furrows his brow, looks up, looks down, toes the ground, and asks if he could check Google. Sarge says "Come back tomorrow, and we'll talk." The moment he walks out of the precinct, the Liberal kids pulls out his cell phone and calls his parents back in Berkeley. They ask him "So, how was your first day at work?" He replies "Really great. They already have me working on a MURDER case!!!!"
 
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows
you're here."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and
froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and
continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the
wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the
source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam
came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep", the parrot confessed, and then squawked, "I'm just trying to
warn you that he is watching you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird
Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
 
The new Army recruits are at chow after a hard morning of training. They quickly down their bowls of chili when one private notices that his sergeant hasn't touched his.
"Sarge, you gonna eat that?
The sergeant pushes his bowl to the private and smiles.
About halfway through the meal the recruit feels something lumpy with his spoon. He pushes the chili aside and finds a dead rat in the bowl.
He can't contain himself and barfs into the bowl.
The sergeant says: "Yeah, that's about what I did when I found the mouse".
 
Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America . Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone, including the President.

They spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." the farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off the tractor's engine.

"Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States ?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?"

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning..."

"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff shouted.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't...

But you know how bad that sumbitch lies."
 
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning,accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there'.
 
President Obama got off Marine One (the Presidential helicopter) in front of The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared-away Marine Crew Chief snapped to attention, saluted and said:

"Nice pigs, sir."

The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said, "Excellent trade, sir
 
An oldie but goodie. Found it in my archives...

Texas Chili Cook-off

If you can read the whole story without tears of laugher running down your cheeks then there's no hope for you.

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions of two judges (Native Texans). They said that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge #3 (Frank): Holy Mother of God! What is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy

CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face

CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1: Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers

Judge # 3: Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before the flames that come from my ears ignite again. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. blonde lady is starting to look HOT - just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. They told me chili is an aphrodisiac!

CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.! It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be braver than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore, and I really need to wipe my *** with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI #8: TOMMY'S TOE-NAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1: The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2: This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. I wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili!

Judge # 3: Oh God, No...No...no...
 
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Little Firefighter

A Firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station,
When he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon
With little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose
Tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a Firefighter's' helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to
Take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the
Firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The Firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied
The wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want
To tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that
Rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go
Faster.

The Little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but
Then I wouldn't have a siren.'
 
Saint Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing hoodies approached.
He peered cautiously out through the Gates and told them, "Uh, wait here- I'll be right back."

Saint Peter then entered The Lord's chambers and described to him who was waiting at the entrance.

'Peter, how many times do I have to remind you not to pre-judge people who show up to enter Heaven?' said God.
"We are all brothers and loved here." The saint let out a heavy sigh and returned to his post.

Peter almost immediately returned to God's chambers and said, 'Well Lord, they're gone.'

'The two guys in the hoodies?' asked God.

'No,' replied Saint Peter, 'the Gates.'
Good Hunting... from Varmint Al
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The Cajun Bic Lighter

Prejean and Boudreaux were fishing in the Bayou when Prejean pulled out a cigar. Finding he had
no matches, he asked Boudreaux for a light.

'Ya, ma fren, I tink I haff a lighter,'Boudreaux replied, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'Holy , man!' exclaimed Prejean, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Boudreaux, I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Prejean asked.

'Ya, ma fren. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Boudreaux.

'Could I see him?'

Boudreaux opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the Genie, Prejean says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good buddy of your master. Will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Prejean asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Prejean sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the Louisiana sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks....flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Prejean yells at Boudreaux, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Boudreaux answers,'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing.
Do yew really think I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'
 
Angels are good

There are two statues in a park; One of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when
one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings
the two to life!!!!!!!!
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred
blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty
minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.' He looks at her, she looks
at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently
as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.


After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel
tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it
again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions....This
time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you sh*t on its head.'


AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING ????
 
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An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and
Pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:


"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.....

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts
The buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal
To splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
Another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
The waiter:
"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says,

"Training for position in United States Congress.
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
Leave mess for others to clean up.
Disappear for rest of day."
 
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Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both full, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all right at first?

Father shark replied, "Because they taste better without the sh*t inside!"
 
In a Tottenham church, Sunday morning, a Priest said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front of the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line and when it was his turn, the Priest asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Father, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The Priest put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It's on Thursday."
 
Grand ma is listening to the radio evangelist.
At the end of the sermon the preacher says to make out your offering checks and then put your left hand on the radio and your right hand on the part of your body you wanted healed.
Suddenly to Grandma's surprise Grandpa jumped up and starting writing a check.
Grandma finished and she walked over to the radio and put her left hand on the radio and her right hand on her forehead.
Grandpa finished and ran over to the radio and put his left hand on the radio and his right hand on his crotch.....
Grandma Shrieked and said "Grandpa the preacher said he could heal the sick NOT raise the dead".....
 
Big Game Hunter

:(A big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him, and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel. And if he could locate the bullet hole. he would even tell them what caliber rifle was used to shoot it. This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument was going on. Then the hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Spring Buck." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .22 rifle." The others could not believe it. He was right, and the argument was even hotter than before. When some started to suggest that he must have peeked, he said that he was prepared to do it again. He would put up all the drinks they had bought before against them buying another round for him.

So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in their car. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion" and fingering the bullet hole said, "and the rifle was a .308," which of course was right. This, of course, was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had to prove is skills over and over again, every time against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, stoned out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one heck of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So where did I get this black eye?" His wife replied angrily, "From me, of course."

"But what did I do?" he asked. She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a triumphant tone: 'Skunk, killed with an axe'."
_________________________
 
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?"

"Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"

"Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?"

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?"

"Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you
ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
 
A woman is at the cash register at the grocery store. Buys one tv dinner, single serving of pudding & one coke. Dude behind the counter says, you must be single. She replies, yes, is it because I only bought one of everything? He says, no, because you're ugly.
 
A man took his wife to a disco on the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large - breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.

The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? Twenty five years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

The husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"
 
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