we need a humor forum.....until then

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
Cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
And have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
Hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
Say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
To be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
Make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.
 
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked okay for a 57-year-old.

We drank a bit, and a had a bit of a make-out session and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

I said, "No."

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place. She turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"
 
A lady walks into a roof top bar in a highrise, sits down and tries to make conversation with a patron drinking beer.

After getting through the pleasantries, the lady asks him what he's drinking.

The man replies; 'magic beer'.

She asks; 'what is magic about it?'

He promptly gets off the barstool and begins flying around the skyline.

Upon his return the lady says to the bartender; 'I'll have what he's drinking'.

He pours her a mug, she drinks it, steps off the balcony and plunges 50 stories to her death.

The bartender says to the man: 'Superman, you are such an ***hole when you've been drinking'.
 
9 WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes:If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead:This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh:This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay:This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' .... that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying SCREW YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
 
A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Don't you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY
for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little annoyed, Satan asked, "Well, why the Hell aren't you afraid of me?

"Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
 
Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
 
Subject: Women's ass study


There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association
about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty
shocking:

1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a
good man, and they would have married him anyway.
 
Father OF Four

A man has six children and he is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife “Mother of Six” in spite of her objections.

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home, and he wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, “shall we go home, Mother of Six?” His wife irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion, shouts back, “anytime you’re ready, Father of Four!”
 
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice,
"Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and
Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William .......the little brat's name is Kevin."
 
Just wanted to let you know - today I received my 2012 Social Security Stimulus Package.


It contained two tomato seeds, cornbread mix, a prayer rug, a machine to blow smoke up my a$$, 2 discount coupons to KFC, an "Obama Hope & Change" bumper sticker, and a "Blame it on Bush" poster for the front yard. The directions were in Spanish.

Watch for yours soon.
 
An old guy walks into a bank to cash a check. The teller noticed he had been beaten around the face. She asked him for his ID and date of birth, He rattled of a date, and then stopped and said, "Damn, now I remember her birthday".
 
Fred J said:
An old guy walks into a bank to cash a check. The teller noticed he had been beaten around the face. She asked him for his ID and date of birth, He rattled of a date, and then stopped and said, "Damn, now I remember her birthday".
Click to expand...

;)

LOL

al
 
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I live close so it's a short drive.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.

People keep telling me I'm in Denial, but I'm positive I've never been there before!

I have been in Deep many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there. I actually kind of enjoy it there.

So far, I haven't been in Continent; but my travel agent says I'll be going soon.

Wishing you all safe travels.
 
Subject: Sunburn!


A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and
> got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He
> went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being
> diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already
> starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the
> doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with
> saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every
> four hours.
> The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What
> good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?
> The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for
> his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his
> legs.'
>
 
Political ice fishing

Now this is just Minnesota funny.The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republicancandidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There wasmuch talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-longice fish ing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. Thecandidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win theelection.Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contestbetween the two candidates to determine the winner.After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contesttake place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota .There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent outseparately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch forcounting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of thefirst day, Mitt returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.Soon,
Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was justhaving another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch upthe next day.At the end of the 2nd day Mitt came in with 20 fish and Obama came inagain with none.That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said,'Obama, I think Mitt is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you togo out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and seejust how he is cheating.'The next night (after Mitt returns with 50 fish), he said to Obama,'Well, tell me, how is Mitt cheating?'Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cuttingholes in the ice.'
 
The Finn's in Minn'desoda always outfished the Swedes.......Ole Svensen looked out of the fishhouse one day and saw Heiki Sarkinen moving his shack down the lake behind his snowmachine and figgered it out, "LOOK Lena! 'Dat's why we ain't catchin' nuttin', Heiki's TROLLING!!!"
 
Oddly enough, it's a little known fact that there were Finns out here in WA long before they migrated to the middle western states. Everybody thinks Finns first came in via Ellis Island like other skandihoovians but this simply isn't true. They were here in the Pacific North West long before that.

Along with the legends of The Shining Rocks, Raven & Lalooska, Bridge Of The Gods etc is another obscure legend based right here along the mighty Columbia River. This Clavenesque story tells of tribal gatherings, people's journeyed from far inland converging here in the Columbia River Gorge (remember that term) for the Spring salmon run. With lank hair and empty bellies they came, dragging travois and carrying papooi, harrried along by the screeching of their multitudinous wives they came, straggling in by the tens, the hundreds and thousands until the shores were lined with famished savages.

Then upriver came the salmon
came they in their tens and thousands,
schwimming up from Big Sea Waters
passing by the Gitche Gumee.......

And the indians ate

and ate

They GORGED on the salmon until they couldn't move, they ate the salmon whole, too famished to take time to cook or dry or smoke them they first gorged themselves senseless cramming entire fish as fast as they could..............


and sh!t the finns...




:)



al-finnlander-inwa
 
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