we need a humor forum.....until then

So, this old pilot dies and goes to heaven and is met at the pearly gates by St. Peter.

"Ah, so you were a pilot," says St. Peter. "Follow me."

St. Peter takes the pilot to a beautiful celestial airport with perfect, smooth runways and hangar after hangar filled with the most wonderful aircraft ever made.

"Fly anything you want. Fuel is no issue, they don't ever run out."

Then he takes him over to a classy little joint at the FBO and brings him inside. There's a buffet with the best food he's ever seen and a fully-stocked open bar with nothing but top shelf liquor. Sitting around the tables are some of the most famous pilots who ever lived. St. Peter introduces him to a few and sits down to have a drink with him.

"Man! This really is heaven?" asks the pilot. "Certainly not what I was expecting -- this is wonderful!"

St. Peter just smiles and nods and pours him another drink.

After sitting and drinking and reveling in it all for awhile, the pilot recognizes an old, familiar sensation.

Tentatively he asks, "Ummmmm, St. Peter? I sure wasn't expecting it with this here brand-new heavenly body, but I do believe I need to go find a rest room to -- uhhh -- go relieve myself. But I don't see any of the usual signs on doors -- where should I go?"

"Oh, no problem," says St. Peter. "Just follow me."

St. Peter takes him out back and shows him to the edge of a little hole in a cloud.

"Just go right there."

The pilot walks over to the hole in the cloud and looks down over the edge.

"Uh, St. Peter? There appears to be some people down there... "

"Oh that's OK", says the wise old Saint. "They're all from the FAA."
 
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, 'I've been a little sick to my stomach.'

The older doctor says, 'Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?'

As they left, the younger man said, 'You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?'

'I didn't' have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half-dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick.'

'Huh,' the younger doctor said 'Pretty clever, I think I'll try that at the next house.'

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, 'I'm feeling terribly run down lately.' 'You've probably been doing too much work for the Church,' the younger doctor told her? 'Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.'

As they left, the elder doctor said, 'I know that woman well, your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?'

'I did what you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.
 
Cabela's

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and
goes over to the counter.

A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She
says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and
reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't
believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's
on sale t his week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of
it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her
credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is
really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk
could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she
was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the
rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies," Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call
is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
 
Tree hugger and anti-hunter.

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Grants Pass, Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.

She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.

She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long? " He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."


GOD BLESS AMERICA
 
January Statistics On Airport Screening From The Department Of Homeland Security:


Terrorists Discovered


0


Transvestites


133


Hernias


1,485


Hemorrhoid Cases


3,172


Enlarged Prostates


8,249


Breast Implants


59,350


Natural Blondes


3


It was also discovered that 535 members of congress had no balls.
 
A man is sitting at home on the verandah with his wife, drinking a beer, and he says "I love you."

She asks "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replies "It's me............. talking to the beer."
 
Down here in Cajun country we have really UGLY people. I used to see my neighbor, Thibodeaux, go out in the woods every morning and come back with a mess of squirrels, but I noticed he never took a gun with him.
One morning, I went out and met him and asked him if he was trapping them squirrels.
He said, "No, I just ugly them to death."
Well, I told him I never heard of such a thing and he invited me to come along and see how it was done.
Shortly after we entered the woods, we spotted a squirrel up in a tree. Old Thibodeaux gave a short whistle to get the squirrel's attention and when the squirrel looked, Thibodeaux squinched up his face and stared right at the squirrel.
To my amazement, the squirrel dropped out of the tree and hit the ground, dead as a doornail.
I told Thibodeaux, "It is hard to believe anybody can do that!"
He said that it was no big deal he knew lots of people that could do that. He said, "As a matter of fact, even my wife can do it."
"Well, why don't you let her hunt with you?" I asked.
Thibodeaux replied, "'cause she tears up the meat too bad."
 
Well, There was this blind fellow who went to WAL-MART with his seeing eye dog. He worked his way down the sidewalk towards the front door. Finally when he got to the door and went inside he stopped reached down and picked the dog up by the tail and started swinging him arond over his head in a big circle. Well you know those folks that greet you when you first walk in. That guy came running up to the blind man and said HEY HEY What are you doing? The blind man turned and said " Just Looking Around"
 
davejones said:
Well, There was this blind fellow who went to WAL-MART with his seeing eye dog. He worked his way down the sidewalk towards the front door. Finally when he got to the door and went inside he stopped reached down and picked the dog up by the tail and started swinging him arond over his head in a big circle. Well you know those folks that greet you when you first walk in. That guy came running up to the blind man and said HEY HEY What are you doing? The blind man turned and said " Just Looking Around"
Click to expand...


NO disrepect, but I think this is the worst joke ever. LOL
 
....After both suffering with depression me & the wife decided to commit suicide yesterday...but strangely enough after she killed herself I started to feel a lot better and thought, the heck with it! I'll soldier on ...
 
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. And is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about gambling, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."
 
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of bullets at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille?
 
New Rifle

Jon was excited about his new rifle and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear.

The black bear said "You've got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have sex." Jon decided to bend over.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him.

The brown bear said, "That was a huge mistake, Jon. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex." Again, Jon thought about it for while before he decided to bend over.

Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there.

The grizzly bear said "Admit it, Jon, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"



Glenn
 
Subject: In reply to your order...


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An 80-year old man goes for physical. All tests come back with
normal results.
The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing
mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?
George replies: 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor
eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get in up in the middle of the
night to go to the bathroom...poof! The light goes on. When I'm
done, Poof! The light goes off.";
''Wow, that's incredible,' says the doctor.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.
'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine! But I had to call you
because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he
gets up during the night and poof..the light goes on in the
bathroom, and when he's done,
poof! The light goes off?;
''Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the fridge again!'
 
A guy walks into a bar to have a beer and watch sports. Football is on, and he tells the bartender he can't wait for baseball season to start. The bartender scoffs, and says "Are you crazy? Football is WAY better than baseball. You got the tackling, the touchdowns, the crazy catches, and the cheerleaders. How can you stand to watch a boring game like baseball?"

The guy replies "Bartender, you'll thank me later for this advice. The trick to watching baseball is to always watch it with your girlfriend or wife at home. Then you kiss her on the strikes..."
 
A midget psychic was arrested at the county fair after it closed one night, for being drunk and disorderly. Somehow, before dawn, she escaped jail.

The newspaper headline said "Small medium at large".

----------------------------------------------------

Unfortunately, in that same jail escape, one of the town's crazy bums -- who'd been arrested again -- got loose. A couple of hours later, the police found him behind city hall with a prostitute.

The newspaper headline said "Nut bolts and screws".
 
Advanced Biology

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term test. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,' worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular,was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1.)It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote..

7.) It comes in 2 attractive reusable containers.

He got an A+:eek:
 
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