AMMASHOOTA
Gary Gruber
If this is the best that Mike can come up with, maybe its time to take him to the vet and put him to sleep.
we need a humor forum.....until then
- Thread starter mike in co
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Bill Wynne
Active member
Lone Ranger & Tonto camping
The Lone Ranger and Tonto go camping in the desert. After they got
their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours
later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemosabe, look
toward sky, what you see? 'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see
millions of stars.' 'What that tell you?' asked Tonto. The Lone
Ranger ponders for a minute then says: 'Astronomically speaking,
it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in
Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past
three in the morning. Theologically, it tells me the Lord is
all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically,
it seems we'll have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell
you, Tonto?' "You dumber than an Obama voter. It mean someone
stole our tent."
That is the way it came to me.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto go camping in the desert. After they got
their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours
later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemosabe, look
toward sky, what you see? 'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see
millions of stars.' 'What that tell you?' asked Tonto. The Lone
Ranger ponders for a minute then says: 'Astronomically speaking,
it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in
Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past
three in the morning. Theologically, it tells me the Lord is
all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically,
it seems we'll have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell
you, Tonto?' "You dumber than an Obama voter. It mean someone
stole our tent."
That is the way it came to me.
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AMMASHOOTA
Gary Gruber
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Automotive terminology
The daughter asks her Dad, "Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't quite understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."
To which her Dad replies: "You tell your boyfriend, that if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe."
The daughter asks her Dad, "Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't quite understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."
To which her Dad replies: "You tell your boyfriend, that if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe."
vasectomy 123
> After
> their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough,
> as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went
> to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin didn’t
> want to have any more children.
>
>
> The
> doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
> vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was
> expensive. ‘A less costly alternative,' said the doctor,
> 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal
> in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer
> can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to
> 10.
>
>
> The
> Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the
> sharpest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a
> cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to
> help me. ‘'Trust me,' said the
> doctor.
>
>
> So
> the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer
> can. He held the can up to his ear and began to
> count!
>
>
>
>
> "1"
>
> "2"
>
> "3"
>
> “4"
>
> "5"
>
> (you’ll love this…)………. At which point he
> paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued
> counting on his other hand.
>
>
>
> This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana,
> Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, Parts of Georgia, Missouri,
> West Virginia,
> After
> their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough,
> as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went
> to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin didn’t
> want to have any more children.
>
>
> The
> doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
> vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was
> expensive. ‘A less costly alternative,' said the doctor,
> 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal
> in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer
> can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to
> 10.
>
>
> The
> Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the
> sharpest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a
> cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to
> help me. ‘'Trust me,' said the
> doctor.
>
>
> So
> the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer
> can. He held the can up to his ear and began to
> count!
>
>
>
>
> "1"
>
> "2"
>
> "3"
>
> “4"
>
> "5"
>
> (you’ll love this…)………. At which point he
> paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued
> counting on his other hand.
>
>
>
> This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana,
> Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, Parts of Georgia, Missouri,
> West Virginia,
Security for Seniors
NOW THAT I AM RETIRED AND ON A FIXED INCOME, I'VE DISCONNECTED MY HOME ALARM SYSTEM AND RESIGNED FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH PROGRAM.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.
The local Police, Sheriff, SBI, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
I've never felt safer, and I'm saving $49.50 a month! Go Seniors!
NOW THAT I AM RETIRED AND ON A FIXED INCOME, I'VE DISCONNECTED MY HOME ALARM SYSTEM AND RESIGNED FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH PROGRAM.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.
The local Police, Sheriff, SBI, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
I've never felt safer, and I'm saving $49.50 a month! Go Seniors!
Bill Wynne
Active member
What's in a name?
Do you remember the famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced
Pee-Ka-Boo). Well, Picabo is not just an athlete. She is now a nurse
currently working at an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan
hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any
longer.
It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say
Picabo, I.C.U.
A good clean joke is hard to find these days - pass it on!
(Admit it ... you're smiling)
Do you remember the famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced
Pee-Ka-Boo). Well, Picabo is not just an athlete. She is now a nurse
currently working at an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan
hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any
longer.
It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say
Picabo, I.C.U.
A good clean joke is hard to find these days - pass it on!
(Admit it ... you're smiling)
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, what are you gonna do about it?" he says,menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me.
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!"
But, hell, enough about me.
How are you doing?"
"Well, what are you gonna do about it?" he says,menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me.
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!"
But, hell, enough about me.
How are you doing?"
Bill Collaros
Shoot to Thrill
Hillbillies Humour
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
the difference
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person.
Trump gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his office for a job.
He then took out his wallet and gave $20 to the homeless person.
Hillary was very impressed, so when they came to another homeless person, she decided to help.
She walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office.
She then reached into Trump's pocket, extracted his wallet and took out $20.
She kept $15 for her administrative fees and gave the homeless person $5.00.
Now do you understand the difference between a Republican and a Democrat?!
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person.
Trump gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his office for a job.
He then took out his wallet and gave $20 to the homeless person.
Hillary was very impressed, so when they came to another homeless person, she decided to help.
She walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office.
She then reached into Trump's pocket, extracted his wallet and took out $20.
She kept $15 for her administrative fees and gave the homeless person $5.00.
Now do you understand the difference between a Republican and a Democrat?!
Bill Wynne
Active member
I don't get it. How does that work?
deadwooddick
New member
People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor.
Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.
What's the matter? asked the Trooper.
"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.
"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."
"I can't," said the biker.
"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised.
Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the local State Troopers' office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist.
It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill..."
Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.
What's the matter? asked the Trooper.
"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.
"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."
"I can't," said the biker.
"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised.
Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the local State Troopers' office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist.
It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill..."
AMMASHOOTA
Gary Gruber
New medical discovery
Doctors at the CDC recently discovered that it is possible to get AIDS from a toilet seat:
If you sit down before the guy in front of you gets up...
Doctors at the CDC recently discovered that it is possible to get AIDS from a toilet seat:
If you sit down before the guy in front of you gets up...
Bill Wynne
Active member
A short story about a beautiful young princess and a young pilot.
Once upon a time, a pilot asked a beautiful princess: "Will you marry me? "The princess said, "No!!!” And the pilot lived happily ever after and flew jets all over the world and drove hot cars and chased skinny long-legged big-breasted flight attendants and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank Weihenstephaner German beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and ate cold leftover meals, potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frickin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
The End
Once upon a time, a pilot asked a beautiful princess: "Will you marry me? "The princess said, "No!!!” And the pilot lived happily ever after and flew jets all over the world and drove hot cars and chased skinny long-legged big-breasted flight attendants and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank Weihenstephaner German beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and ate cold leftover meals, potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frickin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
The End
AMMASHOOTA
Gary Gruber
I’m not the best looking guy; some would say I’m a little frayed around the edges these days.
But, I have a nice bike, a little money, and I spend most of my time casually riding from place to place.
I met a nice-looking girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us.
She did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees and lay on the grass at my feet.
As we lay making love, I thought, “Damn, these Taser guns are really worth the money!”
But, I have a nice bike, a little money, and I spend most of my time casually riding from place to place.
I met a nice-looking girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us.
She did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees and lay on the grass at my feet.
As we lay making love, I thought, “Damn, these Taser guns are really worth the money!”
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