we need a humor forum.....until then

Ganging up on me??

Here's another:

A liberal and a conservative are talking. The conservative says: "I really can't understand why people have an instant dislike of me." The liberal says: "It just saves time."
 
A man, whose level of drunkenness

was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

“Maybe all I need is some fresh air,” thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Oh well," he thought. “I’ll just crawl home.”

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

“You went out drinking last night, didn’t you?” she said.

“Uh, yes,” he said sheepishly.

“How did you know?”

“You left your wheelchair at the bar again.”
 
Yes, but

alinwa said:
A man, whose level of drunkenness

was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

“Maybe all I need is some fresh air,” thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Oh well," he thought. “I’ll just crawl home.”

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

“You went out drinking last night, didn’t you?” she said.

“Uh, yes,” he said sheepishly.

“How did you know?”

“You left your wheelchair at the bar again.”
Click to expand...

He was determined to get home!!!
 
One Pilot's Story

One Pilot's Story...
He left home about 8:30 a.m. to do some work on his plane in his hanger at the airport.
On the way out the door he answered his wife's "what time will you be home?" with.... "probably about 1:30, I'll have lunch at the airport."
1:30 came went, 3:00 passed, 6:15, still not home, finally at about 7:30 pm he rolls in the driveway, and presents his wife with a pizza, and begins the apologetic story.
"I finished cleaning the plane about 11:30, had lunch, and I started home, when alongside the road I saw this attractive girl with a flat tire on her car.
I stopped to help, got the tire changed, and looked Around for a place to wash my hands. She offered money, but I refused, so she suggested that I at least allow her to buy me a beer.
She said there's a tavern just up the road, and they have a restroom, you can clean up a bit.
I agreed to stop, we had a beer, then another beer, then a couple more, and I realized that this girl was not only pretty, she was very, very friendly, Before I knew it, we were in the motel next door having sex. And that is why I am so late getting home."
His wife looked him right in the eye and said:

"Don't BS me......YOU WENT FLYING, DIDN'T YOU?"
 
one skydiver's story

A man has just come home after his first jump as a paratrooper. His father an old vet himself asks his son how it went.

"Well dad everyone else was nervous but I felt totally calm. Finally it came my turn to jump and I don't know what happened, I just froze up, I couldn't jump. Finally the drill instructor came up to me and said "IF YOU DON"T JUMP RIGHT THIS INSTANT I'LL STICK MY XXXX SO FAR UP YOUR XXX IT'LL COME OUT YOUR NOSE!"

"Damm son" the father said "did you jump?"

"Yeah, a little bit, at first!"
 
U.S. Navy vs. Mexico

U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards California.

The Captain gets on the bullhorn and shouts,

"Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"


One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts,

"Gringo, we are invading the United States of America to reclaim The territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."


The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter. When the
Captain finally catches his breath, he gets back on the bullhorn and asks, "Just
the four of you?"


The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last
four. The other 12 million are already there."
 
Nancy

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Pelosium.

Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy
neutrons, and 223 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311.

These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

The symbol of Pelosium is PU.

Pelosium's mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Pelosium molecule, leading to the formation of isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientist to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.

Regards,
 
Sounds good but she knows exactly of what she is doing and follows the plan to the letter. Couple steps backward now and then, but generally-forward-charge.

AND come November she will be given 65%(or more) approval to continue for another two years.
 
All great Empires fall. Find your little niche in life and make the best of the ride down. We won't live long enough to see the the worst but God help the younguns. Enjoy yourself and family every chance you get. That Mexican joke is way too true to be funny. So how about a blast from the past old joke. Plus it looks like Mike will outlive us all on BRC.

President Reagan, Jessie Jackson, a priest and a young schoolboy are flying on Air Force One.
The pilot runs in the back and says we ran out of fuel and gonna crash and have only 4 parachutes.
So he opens the locker grabs one and out the door.
President Reagan says I' the most important man in the world so he grabs one and out the door.
Jessie Jackson says I'm the smartest black man in the world and have to live so he grabs one and out the door.
So the old priest tells the young boy that he has lived a good and long life so the boy should take the last parachute.
So the boy says Father thanks but were cool, that smartest black man in the world grabbed my backpack.
 
couple sex

This oughta' get Wilbur's blood pressure up momentarily :)





DADDY, DADDY!...........

A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working and asks him, 'Daddy, what is couple sex?'

So, her father sits her down and tells her all about the birds and the bees.

He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs.

He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections.

Then he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the whole works, thinking that to tell it all is the only way to tell the truth.

The girl is quite awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.

Her father finally asks, 'So what made you wish to know about sex?'

Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple secs...'
 
Chili tester

If you can read the whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks then there’s no hope for you.

Note: Please take the time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you will know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The following notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

“Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have all the free beer I wanted during the tasting, so I accepted.”

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 – Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge # 1 – A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 – Nice, smooth, tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) – Holy , what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 – Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 – Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 – Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 – Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 – Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge # 1 – Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 – A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 – Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting -faced from all the beer.

Chili # 4 – Bubba’s Black Magic

Judge # 1 – Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 – Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 – I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb mama is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I’m eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 – Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 – Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 – Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 – My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 – Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 – Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 – The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 – My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 – Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 – A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 – Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 – You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slide unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Chili # 8 – Tommy’s Toenail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 – The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 – This final entry is a good balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
 
Another nurse joke...

A nurse walks into a bank.
Preparing to endorse a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket and tries to write with it.
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says:
"Well, that's great.......just great......some asshole's got my pen."
 
And justice for all...

As we know, we see discrimination in some form or another almost everyday and often times it leaves a sour taste in your mouth.
The following story shows us the side of diversity that we are all working for. It is a pleasant twist to see that there are companies and individuals who face discrimination head on, if only one small step at a time.
Enjoy reading the positive side of diversity.
I applaud British Airways for their action in this situation..........

On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African Lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.

"What seems to be the problem Madam?" asked the attendant.
"Can't you see?" she said "You've sat me next to a kaffir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"

"Please calm down Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class."

The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers).

A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self satisfied grin.

"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class."
Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues, "It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone be forced to sit next to such an obnoxious person."

With which, she turned to the black man sitting next to the woman, and said:
"So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you..."

At which point, apparently the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the black man walks up to the front of the plane.

PEOPLE will forget what you said…
PEOPLE will forget what you did…
BUT PEOPLE will NEVER forget how you made them FEEL !
 
tazzman said:
As we know, we see discrimination in some form or another almost everyday and often times it leaves a sour taste in your mouth.
The following story shows us the side of diversity that we are all working for. It is a pleasant twist to see that there are companies and individuals who face discrimination head on, if only one small step at a time.
Enjoy reading the positive side of diversity.
I applaud British Airways for their action in this situation..........

On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African Lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.

"What seems to be the problem Madam?" asked the attendant.
"Can't you see?" she said "You've sat me next to a kaffir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"

"Please calm down Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class."

The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers).

A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self satisfied grin.

"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class."
Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues, "It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone be forced to sit next to such an obnoxious person."

With which, she turned to the black man sitting next to the woman, and said:
"So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you..."

At which point, apparently the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the black man walks up to the front of the plane.

PEOPLE will forget what you said…
PEOPLE will forget what you did…
BUT PEOPLE will NEVER forget how you made them FEEL !
Click to expand...

nice....Rock ON!
 
What goes around...

A man lies dying in the hospital and he turns to his wife and says "Honey after I die for god sakes do not sell my guns for what I told you I paid for them." Tim
 
Tim Oltersdorf said:
A man lies dying in the hospital and he turns to his wife and says "Honey after I die for god sakes do not sell my guns for what I told you I paid for them." Tim
Click to expand...

I go by the Skip Otto theory, go with all guns the same color, one red Scoville looks like another red Scoville looks like another red... Just never let them all be on the same cleaning table at the same time. Although, I think Skip just bought a 55 gallon drum of green paint and was trying to use it all up.
 
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