we need a humor forum.....until then

A joke from Australia - Why blokes die before women

THE JOYS OF BEING A MALE IN TODAY'S SOCIETY

(or) IT'S TOUGH BEING A BLOKE

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a woos.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing looser.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, then you should get off your arse and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks,
It's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp, if you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

If you physically counsel her, it's wife bashing.
If she beats the crap outa you, it's self-defence.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy,that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favour.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're up yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.

If you go fishing, you are too blokey
If you don't bring back a feed you are too lazy
If she survives to middle-age she gets cranky flushes
If you survive you buy a Porsche

If you go to the footy and her team wins
Then mate, now you have a real problem!


NO WONDER BLOKES DIE BEFORE WOMEN.....THEY WANT TO!!
 
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning.
 
Short and sweet, and I did chuckle!





As I was walking home worrying about all the crap going on in Ottawa, Toronto, Bath, Washington, Gaza, Iraq, Moscow, Ukraine etc., and how the world was falling apart, I saw a yard sign that said:


NEED HELP?

CALL JESUS

1-800-005-3779



Out of curiosity and desperation, I did...



A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.
 
A senior citizen drove his brand new Holden Commodore out of the dealership, taking off down the road, he pushed it to 120kph, enjoying the power of the car .....

“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down the Southern Outlet, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a highway patrol car, blue lights flashing and siren blaring..



He floored it to 140kph, then 180kph, then suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the policeman’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the constable got out of his vehicle and walked up to the car. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard – I’ll let you go...”



The driver paused then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the constable.
 
Why is it that when a woman sleeps around with a lot of men she is called a slut,

but when a guy does it, he is called a homosexual?
 
Do you know the difference between Inlaws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
 
I recently read a quote attributed to Albert Einstein, but I cannot confirm that.

"The difference between intelligence and stupidity is there is a limit to intelligence.
 
LIttle Johnny

I didn't check to see if it's been posted already. If so here it is again.



Little Johnny’s Mom told him that a married couple, friends of hers,were the proud parents of a new baby boy. The friend and her Husband were bringing the new baby over to show to Johnny’s Mom the coming Sunday..

Johnny’s mom explained that her friend’s baby was born without ears. Little Johnny’s mom demanded that Little Johnny not mention anything about the baby not having ears. Little Johnny promised that he would not mention anything about ears.

The Couple brought the baby over on Sunday as promised. They were both glowing with excitement over their new baby boy.

Little Johnny said,,”that is a cute baby”. He has the prettiest little feet.

I like his big blue eyes. Can the little fella see.? The Baby’s mom said “yes”, we had his eye’s checked, he is 20/20 in both eyes. Little Johnny said, I sure hope.so . Cause if he needed glasses he’d be out a luck.



Glenn
 
Chism G said:
I didn't check to see if it's been posted already. If so here it is again.



Little Johnny’s Mom told him that a married couple, friends of hers,were the proud parents of a new baby boy. The friend and her Husband were bringing the new baby over to show to Johnny’s Mom the coming Sunday..

Johnny’s mom explained that her friend’s baby was born without ears. Little Johnny’s mom demanded that Little Johnny not mention anything about the baby not having ears. Little Johnny promised that he would not mention anything about ears.

The Couple brought the baby over on Sunday as promised. They were both glowing with excitement over their new baby boy.

Little Johnny said,,”that is a cute baby”. He has the prettiest little feet.

I like his big blue eyes. Can the little fella see.? The Baby’s mom said “yes”, we had his eye’s checked, he is 20/20 in both eyes. Little Johnny said, I sure hope.so . Cause if he needed glasses he’d be out a luck.



Glenn
Click to expand...


Schyddt Glenn!

.
 
Biology exam.

In a college level advanced Biology exam, the last question was, 'Name eight (8) advantages of Mother's Milk'. This final question was worth 70 points or zero, none at all.
One male student, in particular, was hard put to think of eight advantages. However, after some serious contemplation, he wrote this answer:

1) It is a perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to the mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

...and then, the student was dumb struck for two more answers. In desperation, & just before the bell rang, indicating the end of the exam he wrote:

7) It comes in two quite attractive containers, and
8) it's high enough off the floor where the cat can't get to it.

He got an A+
 
Cia, fbi, lapd

A moldy oldie: The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.



The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.



The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
 
misc

A pair of jumper cables goes into a bar. Bartender says "We don't serve your kind in here...you can leave right now". The jumper cables beg to stay. The bartender says "Well OK on one condition...just don't go starting anything".

I had an awful nighmare the other night. I dreamt Dolly Parton was my mom but I was a bottle baby!
 
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, He's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
''Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
At that point, the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f**k off."
 
New ISIS Threat is in Southern California !

Investigative sources in California say that radical Muslims are planning to go on a rampage in the city of Los Angeles , killing anyone who is a U.S. Citizen.

Police officials fear the death toll could be as high as 9.​
 
A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an
anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA. There was a
large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view
of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got
many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local
ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat,
an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience, and then told her to
go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat
and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told
her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency,
the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove
old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment
facility. I'm sorry, but due to ObamaCare...they turned you down.”
 
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