A woman, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked her accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper".
Then she asked her legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest attire".
Utterly confused at this point, she went to her rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of her dilemma. "Let me tell you a story" replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel'".
The woman protested "Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "Don't you see? It doesn't matter what you wear my dear! Either way, the results will be the same"...
Then she asked her legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest attire".
Utterly confused at this point, she went to her rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of her dilemma. "Let me tell you a story" replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel'".
The woman protested "Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "Don't you see? It doesn't matter what you wear my dear! Either way, the results will be the same"...
John Kielly
Shari's fan club
That run on ammo & the like that you started Stateside is making itself felt in Australia now.
This morning I got lucky and was able to buy two boxes of rim fire ammo. I placed them on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of ammo ya got?"
This morning I got lucky and was able to buy two boxes of rim fire ammo. I placed them on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of ammo ya got?"
A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “Okay , but don’t go in that field over there…..”, as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, ” Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this f*****g badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear……do you understand ?!!”
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs….. “Your badge, show him your f*****g BADGE…….. ! !”
=
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, ” Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this f*****g badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear……do you understand ?!!”
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs….. “Your badge, show him your f*****g BADGE…….. ! !”
=
gabe ledesma
Member
The Macy's girl
A woman walks in to macy's. First thing she does is head to the jewelry shop. while there she leans over to look at a big diamond ring,as she is leaning over to look at the ring she farts big time,she looks up to make shure no one noticed her farting, suddenly she turns around and sees the jewelry man standing behind her. She askes the man if he can tell her the price on the ring she was looking at, the jewelry man says No, To her surprize she asks the jewelry man why he wont tell her the price on the ring, the jewelry man tells her, Look mam if only looking at the ring made you fart, Giving you the price will make you poop your panties.
A woman walks in to macy's. First thing she does is head to the jewelry shop. while there she leans over to look at a big diamond ring,as she is leaning over to look at the ring she farts big time,she looks up to make shure no one noticed her farting, suddenly she turns around and sees the jewelry man standing behind her. She askes the man if he can tell her the price on the ring she was looking at, the jewelry man says No, To her surprize she asks the jewelry man why he wont tell her the price on the ring, the jewelry man tells her, Look mam if only looking at the ring made you fart, Giving you the price will make you poop your panties.
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R
Rick Curtis
Guest
I worked in the backyard yesterday, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
Though a bit warm the day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
Finally, I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that
question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is much more painful than having a baby and, here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you NEVER hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer.
Though a bit warm the day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
Finally, I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that
question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is much more painful than having a baby and, here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you NEVER hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer.
Starbucks Shop
Beautiful weather and two young ladies are setting on the outside patio drinking a cup.
A sod truck stops at the light and one of the ladies says "when I win the lottery
that is what Im going to do"
The other frowns and says "what are you talking about?"
The first jestures at the sod truck and says "Im going to send my grass out to
get it cut, like that guy!!"
Beautiful weather and two young ladies are setting on the outside patio drinking a cup.
A sod truck stops at the light and one of the ladies says "when I win the lottery
that is what Im going to do"
The other frowns and says "what are you talking about?"
The first jestures at the sod truck and says "Im going to send my grass out to
get it cut, like that guy!!"
a picture of your wife
The police knock on the door and tell Kevin, "Sir we're investigating a car accident, do you have a picture of your wife handy?"
Though confused, Kevin says "Yes, sure" and gets one off the mantle and nervously hands it to the officers.
The first cop looks at the picture and glances sadly at his partner.
He then looks at Kevin and says, "Sir, I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but it appears that your wife has been hit by a truck."
Kevin says, "Yes sir, I know, but she has a good personality and she's great with the kids."
The police knock on the door and tell Kevin, "Sir we're investigating a car accident, do you have a picture of your wife handy?"
Though confused, Kevin says "Yes, sure" and gets one off the mantle and nervously hands it to the officers.
The first cop looks at the picture and glances sadly at his partner.
He then looks at Kevin and says, "Sir, I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but it appears that your wife has been hit by a truck."
Kevin says, "Yes sir, I know, but she has a good personality and she's great with the kids."
Lawrence W.
Member
The MB
This morning, the Muslim Brotherhood warned the United States that if the United States continued meddling in Egypt , Libya , and other potential hot spots in the Middle East, they intend to cut off America 's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.
If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T, and AOL customer service reps.
Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened to not send us any more presidents.
It's gonna get ugly, people.
This morning, the Muslim Brotherhood warned the United States that if the United States continued meddling in Egypt , Libya , and other potential hot spots in the Middle East, they intend to cut off America 's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.
If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T, and AOL customer service reps.
Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened to not send us any more presidents.
It's gonna get ugly, people.
Bill Wynne
Active member
Three Holy Men & a Bear
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
Geronimo Jim
New member
Landers
New member
Winter Approaches
This must be the system they use!
Winter Forecast
It was October and the Native Americans on a
remote reservation asked their new Chief if the
coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Chief in a modern society, he had
never been taught the old secrets. When he
looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the
winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his
tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold
and that the members of the village should
collect firewood to be prepared. But being a
practical leader, after several days he got an
idea. He went to the phone booth, called the
National Weather Service and asked, "Is the
coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite
cold," the meteorologist at the weather service
responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told
them to collect even more firewood in order to be
prepared. A week later he called the National
Weather Service again.
"Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again
replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and
ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood
they could find.
Two weeks later the Chief called the National
Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure
that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more
and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Native Americans are collecting firewood like crazy."
This must be the system they use!
Winter Forecast
It was October and the Native Americans on a
remote reservation asked their new Chief if the
coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Chief in a modern society, he had
never been taught the old secrets. When he
looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the
winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his
tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold
and that the members of the village should
collect firewood to be prepared. But being a
practical leader, after several days he got an
idea. He went to the phone booth, called the
National Weather Service and asked, "Is the
coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite
cold," the meteorologist at the weather service
responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told
them to collect even more firewood in order to be
prepared. A week later he called the National
Weather Service again.
"Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again
replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and
ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood
they could find.
Two weeks later the Chief called the National
Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure
that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more
and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Native Americans are collecting firewood like crazy."
> The University library was very crowded – there was limited seating
> space.
> A guy asked a girl in the library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
> The girl replied in a loud voice, "I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH
> YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy. He was
> truly embarrassed and found another table to sit at. After a couple of
> minutes, the girl walked quietly over to the guy's table and said, "I
> study
> psychology, and I know what a man is thinking.
> I guess you felt embarrassed, right ?" The guy replied in a very loud
> voice, "$200 FOR ONE NIGHT ? THAT'S WAY TOO MUCH !" All the people in
> the
> library turned and looked at the girl in shocked disgust.
> The guy whispered in her ear, "I study law, and I know how to screw
> people."
>
> space.
> A guy asked a girl in the library, "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
> The girl replied in a loud voice, "I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH
> YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy. He was
> truly embarrassed and found another table to sit at. After a couple of
> minutes, the girl walked quietly over to the guy's table and said, "I
> study
> psychology, and I know what a man is thinking.
> I guess you felt embarrassed, right ?" The guy replied in a very loud
> voice, "$200 FOR ONE NIGHT ? THAT'S WAY TOO MUCH !" All the people in
> the
> library turned and looked at the girl in shocked disgust.
> The guy whispered in her ear, "I study law, and I know how to screw
> people."
>
B J Atkinson
Member
A ninety year old man wandered off from the Nursing Home, and found himself in a house of ill repute.
Realising where he was, he said to the Madam, "I am 90 years old and I am here to do something I haven't done for 25 years. How much will it cost me?"
For you Grandpa it will be 90 bucks
What....90 bucks!!!!....you would have to be putting me on.
That will be 10 bucks extra, she replied.
Realising where he was, he said to the Madam, "I am 90 years old and I am here to do something I haven't done for 25 years. How much will it cost me?"
For you Grandpa it will be 90 bucks
What....90 bucks!!!!....you would have to be putting me on.
That will be 10 bucks extra, she replied.
Bill Collaros
Shoot to Thrill
3 Some
When your Wife or Girlfriend ask you which of her friends you would like to to have in a threesome, if your game give her a name BUT never ever give her 2 names.
When your Wife or Girlfriend ask you which of her friends you would like to to have in a threesome, if your game give her a name BUT never ever give her 2 names.
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woman walks into the drugstore and tells the pharmacist she wants to
buy some arsenic.
"What do you want with arsenic?" asks the pharmacist.
"I want to kill my husband because he's cheating on me by having sex
with another woman," the lady replies. "I can't sell you arsenic so you
can kill your husband, lady, even if he is having sex with another
woman," the pharmacist says.
The woman then reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her
husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.
"Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription," the pharmacist replies.
buy some arsenic.
"What do you want with arsenic?" asks the pharmacist.
"I want to kill my husband because he's cheating on me by having sex
with another woman," the lady replies. "I can't sell you arsenic so you
can kill your husband, lady, even if he is having sex with another
woman," the pharmacist says.
The woman then reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her
husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.
"Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription," the pharmacist replies.
Bill Wynne
Active member
Interested... hell, man, it's perfect. Maybe even plus quam perfectum -- no, wait, that's past perfect.
Gun Control
It has already started at Gander Mountain Sporting Goods.
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets...
The cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control whackos
running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should
place my credit card in the card-reader.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
It has already started at Gander Mountain Sporting Goods.
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets...
The cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control whackos
running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should
place my credit card in the card-reader.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!