we need a humor forum.....until then

Long Island Duck.

A woman enters a butcher shop and tells the kid behind the counter,

"I would like a Long Island Duck!"

The kid runs in the back and brings out a duck. She immediately sticks her index finger up the duck's backside, and twirls it. She then looks at the kid and yells,

"This is a New Jersey duck. I said a Long Island duck, Dummy!"

The kid runs in the back and comes out with a second duck. After sticking her finger is the second duck she yells, "This is a Rhode Island duck. I said a Long Island duck. How dumb can you be?"

The kid runs in the back again and comes out with a third duck and says,

"I hope this is what you want lady. It's the last duck we have."

After sticking her finger up the behind of the third duck, she says, "Yes! This is a Long Island duck. I'll take it!!" As the kid wraps the duck, the woman says,

"You're not too bright, are you! You must be new around here. Where are you from any way?"

The kid bends down pointing his backside up toward her and says, "You tell me!"
 
Evidently true facts according to the Internet

Quote:----
INVENTION: Margarine
INVENTOR: Hippolyte Mege-Mouries, France
YEAR: 1869
HOW INVENTED: Because butter was expensive and in short supply, Emperor Napoleon III, of France, sought a cheap, tasty substitute for it. Also, on the eve of the Franco-Prussian War, he needed a butter substitute that would store well on ships. The Emperor sponsored a contest, and offered a prize for the best butter substitute submitted. Mege-Mouries mixed suet fat in water heated at low temperature, and then added milk. He called the resultant product oleomargarine because he thought beef fat possessed fatty margaric acid, which it doesn't. But his nutritious, inexpensive butter substitute won the prize. It became popular in France, spread through Europe, and during a butter shortage in the U.S. during W.W. I, it caught on in the New World as well.

i

Again another "true fact" according to the Internet............
Quote:----
At the end of the hydrogenation process, the resulting MARGARINE IS GREY AND SMELLY! It needs to be bleached and deodorised, artificially flavored and dyed yellow (with a natural dye, as synthetic coloring is not allowed) before humans would eat it. Yet rats and cockroaches still would not touch margarine. Only humans do.

So you still can't believe its not butter aye?:rolleyes:
 
Doctor! Doctor! There's a man in the waiting room who thinks he's invisible. What should I do? doctor replies: Tell him I can't see him today.
 
That one wasn't new when they first decided leeches were the cure all treatment.;)
 
A Texas story.

A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college.
Half way through the term, having foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Missoula that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says “and I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".

"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a B**** before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"
 
Hambone said:
A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college.
Half way through the term, having foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Missoula that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says “and I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".

"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a B**** before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"
Click to expand...

And Ray Stevens recorded that when they were still recording on vinyl. Still funny though. May have to pull out the old record, if I can find a turntable
 
Hi Don

Its the way I tell 'em!

Sad to read you have decided to walked from RC.
 
Poor seb came back to his car & find a note saying "Parking fine". seb wrote a note & sticked it to a pole "Thanks for the compliment!"


Poor seb was walking with one glove on one hand and bare on the other. Friends asked him why he did so. seb replied that he heard from a local weather forecast 'so it would be cold on one hand, it would be hot on the other hand'.


A friend took seb to a shooting range...he never seen a shooting match before.
seb: Why are all those people shooting?
Friend: this is a competition, the winner will get the cup!
seb: if only the winner gets the cup, why others shooting!??


seb: If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No honey, I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
seb: No, I'll also stay with your sister
(hope wife does Not read this, lol)


Just joking,
seb.
 
An old one,


VOTING IN CHICAGO:

My cousin was a staunch conservative
and voted straight line Republican until the day he died.
Now, he votes Democrat.
 
Navajo Wisdom
About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface. Along with all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full Lunar spacesuits.
Nearby a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon.
The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message, they asked his son to translate. His son would not.
Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate.
Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message, "Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land."
 
A woman is at the cash register at the grocery store. Buys one tv dinner, single serving of pudding & one coke. Dude behind the counter says, you must be single. She replies, yes, is it because I only bought one of everything? He says, no, because you're ugly.
 
So my racing snail has fallen off his pace of late. In desperation I decided to try an old racing trick. I took him out back with a teeny hammer and removed his shell to save weight....


Didn't work.


Made him more sluggish.
 
Hambone said:
A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college.
Half way through the term, having foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Missoula that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"
At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.
Click to expand...

It would have been much funnier if the kid shot himself, and then his father followed suit.
 
NEVER try to out fox a woman! EVER...!!


A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing... We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend. And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic ? We're leaving at 4:30 PM from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.

'Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.'

The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.

Following the long weekend, he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike.

He said, 'But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?'

{You'll love the answer}




The wife replies, "I did. They're in your tackle box."
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Guy calls his wife and says, "Honey! I hit the lottery!!! Start packing!!

His wife is elated and asks, "Warm climate or cool?"

He says, "I don't care so long as you're gone when I get there."
 
Reminds me of one of my favorite "Mommy" jokes.


Mommy Mommy Mommy, why's Daddy running away from us?

shut up and reload...
 
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