we need a humor forum.....until then

So, a young man and young woman who are both very adventurous and like to explore, meet each other one day.

They hit it off, start dating, and after a while, they get married! Now, both of them are very good at exploration and at finding stuff that's hidden, so they start doing archaeological and treasure-hunt stuff, as a hobby that occasionally makes them some money.

Then, one day, they catch a rumor from a credible source. The rumor is of the "Legend of the Three Doors" and in this legend there is supposedly a reference to a hidden temple in or around the Amazon Rainforest, filled with priceless treasures.

The couple are immediately devoted to finding it. They begin searching all over South America and the Amazon, looking for it. They use some of their savings to outsource some of the searching, and they toil for years and years trying to find it, but neither them nor their employees ever do.

So they give up, move back to their hometown in the United States, and have three sons. They teach their sons to be adventurous and to explore, just like them, and all three grow up with a love of finding the hidden secrets and treasures in the world.

Then, right after the youngest brother finally turns 18, they both get in a terrible car crash. They aren't killed immediately, but the doctors say they're going to die within 3 days. So the brothers spend their parents' last moments on Earth with them.

Right before the two parents pass away, they tell their sons of the Legend of the Three Doors, how they heard of it, how they toiled to find it, but never did. They implore their sons to continue their search after they die.

The parents die only a few minutes apart. Soon after, and the brothers immediately set out to begin this hunt. They gather a small fortune over the next few months, and then travel to South America, doing everything they can think of, especially if their parents hadn't done it before. They hitch rides on other expeditions in the Amazon and spend any free time searching for the temple, they do as their parents did and outsource some of the work, they try everything.

One day, they're searching in a very dense part of the rainforest. It's been 8 years since they started searching, and they're talking about whether they could keep searching. The middle brother points out that their savings are almost used up, and they can't go on searching without going into huge amounts of debt. They're on the verge of giving up right that second.

But then, they find it!

They notice a large stone door hidden in a small space under a cliff, and they go inside. After descending a staircase, they reach an antechamber with, lo and behold, three doors.

On the first door, there's a minimalistic drawing of a water droplet. On the second, a similarly-styled drawing of a flame. But on the third... there is only a question mark.

After a few minutes where they all ponder how to proceed, the youngest brother, who loves to take risks and especially seeks the unknown, says "Screw this waiting around. I'm going in".

At random, he picks the first door, the one with the water on it. After going down a small staircase, he goes into a room filled with priceless artifacts - many pieces of gold and diamonds, which would be worth a lot of money on their own, as well as many priceless historical artifacts. In the room, many of the artifacts are painted blue, and there are many blue sapphires in the collection.

He starts gathering as much as he can, exclaiming "Holy Chit! We're gonna be rich!"

But as he is gathering, he notices that the room has started filling with water. He ignores it at first, but then it accelerates. He hurries to get as much as he can, and then starts running up the stairs with his bag full of artifacts as the water starts rushing into the room, and he's terrified, but he manages to get up the stairs just in time and close the door, before the water gets through as well.

Then, the middle brother, who likes to seek the unknown as well, but also likes to follow the rules or the precedent, says "Hey, if that was the water room, how bad can the fire room be?" And he goes through the fire door. This time, after the stairs, there are many artifacts, including bright red rubies and many things painted orange. He carefully watches the room for any fire, and eventually, he notices it! He gathers up as much as he can, then flees up the stairs as the fire transforms into a fireball that he barely closes the door on before it kills him.

The eldest brother realizes he's the only one who hasn't gone through a door, braces himself, and goes through the question mark door. Same story - small staircase, lots of priceless artifacts, this time with no particular color emphasis, though there is a lot of wood in the structure of the chamber, unlike the other two. He gathers up as much as he can, never letting his guard down, but nothing happens.

The three brothers all leave the temple with millions of dollars' worth of stuff in their bags.

They all split the fortune into thirds between them, and live in luxury for the rest of their lives. But then, on the five-year anniversary of their discovery, something terrible happens. The middle and eldest brother receive the news that the youngest brother, while relaxing on the beach, was killed by a mysterious tsunami. However, no one else was killed or injured in the disaster.

The brothers are a little shaken, but figure it's just a coincidence.

Then, on the ten-year anniversary of their discovery, the middle brother is killed in a house fire. He is the only casualty in the accident - well, him and one of his mansions.

The eldest brother freaks. He spends all his fortune buying an old fort, renovating it, and making it as secure as possible. After 4 and a half more years have passed, he stops ever leaving the safety of the fort.

On the 15-year anniversary of their discovery, he's too anxious to even blink. He reminds all his guards and security to be as alert as possible. As the sun starts setting on that day, he figures maybe he's safe - both of the other brothers died in mid-morning.

But then, his outermost scout signals him on the radio. "Uhh, sir, we're seeing a-" and then, with a burst of static, it goes quiet, and no one can raise the scout. He raises his other guards, and eventually one of them signals him. "Sir, we found something. It's a large wooden coffin, slowly levitating towards the fort.

He freaks. He figures this is his destiny, to be somehow killed by the coffin. He immediately withdraws into the lower levels of his fort. One by one, the guards and cameras start going dark. He hears screaming and crashing, and starts going down, down, down through the levels of the fort that he's never been in. He hears more screaming and destruction, even gunshots and explosions, getting closer to him.

He finally gets as low as he can, and locks himself in an old, dingy bathroom. As he hears the destruction nearing him, he searches around the bathroom, looking for anything he can. All there is, is the toilet, a sink that barely works, an empty soap dispenser, and a medicine cabinet with some random supplies in it - band-aids, cough drops, Benadryl, and a few things he doesn't recognize.

As he cowers in the bathroom, he finally hears it.

THUMP. THUMP. THUMP.

The bathroom door is being broken down!

He nearly dies of a heart attack on the spot, and then finally, the door comes down, and there's the damn coffin! He freaks out "Oh god, oh god, it's getting closer, it's getting closer!"

On an impulse, he starts throwing things at the coffin - the toilet paper, the soap dispenser, even the faucet comes off and he hurls it, but to no effect. He flings open the medicine cabinet and starts throwing things - the Tylenol, the Band-Aids, but nothing happens.

Finally, as the coffin is close enough to touch him, he grabs the cough drops, winds back his arm with all his force, and throws them at the coffin!

And the coffin stops.
 
My Granddaddy useta' say....."It ain't the cough that carries you off, but the coffin they carry you off in"

I have no idea what he meant by it
 
Three contractors bid to fix a broken fence at a government facility. One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky and the third is from New Orleans. All three go, with an official, to examine the fence. The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me." The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7,000. That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the official and whispers, "$27,000." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with that figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for you, $10,000 for me, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the official.
 
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Al, it took a while to figure out what rules what...where is my cup?.


tf6KP8y.jpg
 
Once there was an elderly gent who had been a rock-ribbed Republican for his entire life. He was not a nominal Republican either. He had donated to multiple campaigns, he was a precinct committee chair, and had served on various local and state GOP boards and committees, including the state platform committee. He was connected, in other words. On a number of occasions he had been selected to go to the national convention. This life of activism had begun in the Goldwater campaign, and his commitment to conservative principles had never wavered.

When he was in his mid-nineties, he was diagnosed with a terminal illness, and he began the work of getting all his affairs in order. He was still mentally sharp, and was able to arrange everything appropriately—his will, his funeral arrangements, and so on.

When that was done, he muttered to himself, “just one more thing.” With that, he called up his great-grandson, the most politically-minded of all his descendants, and who was himself a precinct committee chair. When his great-grandson answered the phone, he asked him to come over as soon as he was able, as he had one last important thing to do before he passed.

His great-grandson arrived, greatly puzzled over what it could be, and was puzzled even further at the request. “I am not very mobile anymore, so I need someone to drive me to the county courthouse.”

“Grandpa! Why on earth do you need to go to the courthouse? You have everything in order.”

His great-grandfather faintly replied, “I need for you to take me down there so I can re-register as a Democrat.”

Of course, his descendant was completely taken aback, and thought that perhaps the fact of being right at death’s door had overthrown his ancestor’s reason.

“Why grandpa,” he said, “Why on earth would you—of all people—want to register as a Democrat? And to have that be one of the last things you did on this earth? Is it because you want to be able to keep on voting?”

His great-grandfather chuckled. “Good one, son.” But then he said, “Look at me.”

And so his great-grandson looked him straight in the eyes, expecting to hear some sage bit of wisdom.

“Well,” his ancestor wheezed, “I do know that I’m dying, son. And so if somebody’s gonna die, I’d much rather it be one of them than one of us.”
 
So, a young man and young woman who are both very adventurous and like to explore, meet each other one day.

They hit it off, start dating, and after a while, they get married! Now, both of them are very good at exploration and at finding stuff that's hidden, so they start doing archaeological and treasure-hunt stuff, as a hobby that occasionally makes them some money.

Then, one day, they catch a rumor from a credible source. The rumor is of the "Legend of the Three Doors" and in this legend there is supposedly a reference to a hidden temple in or around the Amazon Rainforest, filled with priceless treasures.

The couple are immediately devoted to finding it. They begin searching all over South America and the Amazon, looking for it. They use some of their savings to outsource some of the searching, and they toil for years and years trying to find it, but neither them nor their employees ever do.

So they give up, move back to their hometown in the United States, and have three sons. They teach their sons to be adventurous and to explore, just like them, and all three grow up with a love of finding the hidden secrets and treasures in the world.

Then, right after the youngest brother finally turns 18, they both get in a terrible car crash. They aren't killed immediately, but the doctors say they're going to die within 3 days. So the brothers spend their parents' last moments on Earth with them.

Right before the two parents pass away, they tell their sons of the Legend of the Three Doors, how they heard of it, how they toiled to find it, but never did. They implore their sons to continue their search after they die.

The parents die only a few minutes apart. Soon after, and the brothers immediately set out to begin this hunt. They gather a small fortune over the next few months, and then travel to South America, doing everything they can think of, especially if their parents hadn't done it before. They hitch rides on other expeditions in the Amazon and spend any free time searching for the temple, they do as their parents did and outsource some of the work, they try everything.

One day, they're searching in a very dense part of the rainforest. It's been 8 years since they started searching, and they're talking about whether they could keep searching. The middle brother points out that their savings are almost used up, and they can't go on searching without going into huge amounts of debt. They're on the verge of giving up right that second.

But then, they find it!

They notice a large stone door hidden in a small space under a cliff, and they go inside. After descending a staircase, they reach an antechamber with, lo and behold, three doors.

On the first door, there's a minimalistic drawing of a water droplet. On the second, a similarly-styled drawing of a flame. But on the third... there is only a question mark.

After a few minutes where they all ponder how to proceed, the youngest brother, who loves to take risks and especially seeks the unknown, says "Screw this waiting around. I'm going in".

At random, he picks the first door, the one with the water on it. After going down a small staircase, he goes into a room filled with priceless artifacts - many pieces of gold and diamonds, which would be worth a lot of money on their own, as well as many priceless historical artifacts. In the room, many of the artifacts are painted blue, and there are many blue sapphires in the collection.

He starts gathering as much as he can, exclaiming "Holy Chit! We're gonna be rich!"

But as he is gathering, he notices that the room has started filling with water. He ignores it at first, but then it accelerates. He hurries to get as much as he can, and then starts running up the stairs with his bag full of artifacts as the water starts rushing into the room, and he's terrified, but he manages to get up the stairs just in time and close the door, before the water gets through as well.

Then, the middle brother, who likes to seek the unknown as well, but also likes to follow the rules or the precedent, says "Hey, if that was the water room, how bad can the fire room be?" And he goes through the fire door. This time, after the stairs, there are many artifacts, including bright red rubies and many things painted orange. He carefully watches the room for any fire, and eventually, he notices it! He gathers up as much as he can, then flees up the stairs as the fire transforms into a fireball that he barely closes the door on before it kills him.

The eldest brother realizes he's the only one who hasn't gone through a door, braces himself, and goes through the question mark door. Same story - small staircase, lots of priceless artifacts, this time with no particular color emphasis, though there is a lot of wood in the structure of the chamber, unlike the other two. He gathers up as much as he can, never letting his guard down, but nothing happens.

The three brothers all leave the temple with millions of dollars' worth of stuff in their bags.

They all split the fortune into thirds between them, and live in luxury for the rest of their lives. But then, on the five-year anniversary of their discovery, something terrible happens. The middle and eldest brother receive the news that the youngest brother, while relaxing on the beach, was killed by a mysterious tsunami. However, no one else was killed or injured in the disaster.

The brothers are a little shaken, but figure it's just a coincidence.

Then, on the ten-year anniversary of their discovery, the middle brother is killed in a house fire. He is the only casualty in the accident - well, him and one of his mansions.

The eldest brother freaks. He spends all his fortune buying an old fort, renovating it, and making it as secure as possible. After 4 and a half more years have passed, he stops ever leaving the safety of the fort.

On the 15-year anniversary of their discovery, he's too anxious to even blink. He reminds all his guards and security to be as alert as possible. As the sun starts setting on that day, he figures maybe he's safe - both of the other brothers died in mid-morning.

But then, his outermost scout signals him on the radio. "Uhh, sir, we're seeing a-" and then, with a burst of static, it goes quiet, and no one can raise the scout. He raises his other guards, and eventually one of them signals him. "Sir, we found something. It's a large wooden coffin, slowly levitating towards the fort.

He freaks. He figures this is his destiny, to be somehow killed by the coffin. He immediately withdraws into the lower levels of his fort. One by one, the guards and cameras start going dark. He hears screaming and crashing, and starts going down, down, down through the levels of the fort that he's never been in. He hears more screaming and destruction, even gunshots and explosions, getting closer to him.

He finally gets as low as he can, and locks himself in an old, dingy bathroom. As he hears the destruction nearing him, he searches around the bathroom, looking for anything he can. All there is, is the toilet, a sink that barely works, an empty soap dispenser, and a medicine cabinet with some random supplies in it - band-aids, cough drops, Benadryl, and a few things he doesn't recognize.

As he cowers in the bathroom, he finally hears it.

THUMP. THUMP. THUMP.

The bathroom door is being broken down!

He nearly dies of a heart attack on the spot, and then finally, the door comes down, and there's the damn coffin! He freaks out "Oh god, oh god, it's getting closer, it's getting closer!"

On an impulse, he starts throwing things at the coffin - the toilet paper, the soap dispenser, even the faucet comes off and he hurls it, but to no effect. He flings open the medicine cabinet and starts throwing things - the Tylenol, the Band-Aids, but nothing happens.

Finally, as the coffin is close enough to touch him, he grabs the cough drops, winds back his arm with all his force, and throws them at the coffin!

And the coffin stops.

Reader's Digest version.

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him!!
Long
BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.

Clappity-BUMP! Clappity-BUMP! Clappity-BUMP!

On his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.

His heart is pounding, his head is reeling, his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a cap bag of cough drops!

Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the casket...

and...

The coffin stops.
 
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