S
Yo Guy,
for your short good one I give you a long good one....
A young man from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota ."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says "One".
The boss says "Just One? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101, 237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold hi m a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' "
!!
al
for your short good one I give you a long good one....
A young man from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota ."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says "One".
The boss says "Just One? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101, 237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold hi m a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' "
!!
al
Kids............
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"
"No," said the little boy.............
"It's a puppy!"
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"
"No," said the little boy.............
"It's a puppy!"
And MORE kids......
During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.
The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say....
"You see, it IS vanishing cream!"
During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.
The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say....
"You see, it IS vanishing cream!"
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500," After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2:00 P.M.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 P. M. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 P.M. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon? Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500".
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 P. M. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 P.M. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon? Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500".
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to
interview him.
Chief Two Eagles, maybe you can help us in answering this question,
"Where did the white man go wrong?" asked one official.
You have observed the white man for over 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
"Where did the white man go wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and
then, calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians
were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver,
women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent
all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled,
"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that
ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to
interview him.
Chief Two Eagles, maybe you can help us in answering this question,
"Where did the white man go wrong?" asked one official.
You have observed the white man for over 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
"Where did the white man go wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and
then, calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians
were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver,
women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent
all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled,
"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that
And back to the OP (thanks for this thread! 
)
A man walked into a bar in Lexington , Kentucky and ordered a drink. While he was sitting at the bar watching T.V., one of Obama’s political ads came on. After it went off, he stood up and announced to everyone, “Obama is a horse’s ass!” The bartender reached under the bar and brought out an oak club about 18 inches long and hit the man square across the mouth, knocking him off his stool and onto the floor. After a minute or two, the man got up, straightened himself up and said to the bartender, “I’m sorry. I didn’t know this was Obama country.” “It’s not!” replied the bartender. “This is horse country!”
al
)A man walked into a bar in Lexington , Kentucky and ordered a drink. While he was sitting at the bar watching T.V., one of Obama’s political ads came on. After it went off, he stood up and announced to everyone, “Obama is a horse’s ass!” The bartender reached under the bar and brought out an oak club about 18 inches long and hit the man square across the mouth, knocking him off his stool and onto the floor. After a minute or two, the man got up, straightened himself up and said to the bartender, “I’m sorry. I didn’t know this was Obama country.” “It’s not!” replied the bartender. “This is horse country!”
al
M
MrGee
Guest
a break at the gunshop... a late Christmas story
As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every
Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor
pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went
in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only confuse
yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?'
'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the
inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as
a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different
models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable
Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to
life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose
with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what
remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a
couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the
family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas
dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the
hell is that?' she asked.
My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'
'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.
I kept my mouth shut.
'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.
'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the
dining room.
But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one
wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang
on!'
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and
said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's
friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not
just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might
be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like
my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel,
flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat
screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across
the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide
the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from
a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to
perfect health..
I can't wait until next Christmas.
As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every
Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor
pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went
in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only confuse
yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?'
'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the
inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as
a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different
models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable
Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to
life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose
with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what
remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a
couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the
family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas
dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the
hell is that?' she asked.
My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'
'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.
I kept my mouth shut.
'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.
'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the
dining room.
But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one
wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang
on!'
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and
said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's
friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not
just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might
be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like
my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel,
flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat
screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across
the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide
the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from
a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to
perfect health..
I can't wait until next Christmas.
TomD
e publius unum
While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does
not use a condom the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to
find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never
having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the
man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got
bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and
almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, Doc.”
The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to
have to amputate your penis.”
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”
The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want but
surgery is your only option.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll
know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes,
Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”
The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what
can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American
docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need
amputate!”
“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.
“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself!”
not use a condom the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to
find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never
having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the
man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got
bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and
almost unheard of here in the US , we know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, Doc.”
The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to
have to amputate your penis.”
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”
The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want but
surgery is your only option.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll
know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes,
Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”
The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what
can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American
docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need
amputate!”
“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.
“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself!”
M
MarkR
Guest
So this man goes for a walk with his pet Monkey. They are walking down the street and pass a bar with the door just opened, it's hot outside and the cool air feels good so he goes in. He sits at the bar with his monkey next to him and orders a good cold beer. The bar tender hesitantly gives him a cold Bud and cautions him to keep an eye on the monkey.
Before you know it the monkey jumps down and heads for the pool room, jumps up on a table grabs the cue ball, eyes it up and then swallows it whole.
The bartender is furious but the man apologizes and promises to bring the cue ball back in a few days and leaves 10.00 as a deposit and leaves.
A few days later the man returns with his monkey and the cue ball all fresh and shiny. He hands it to the bartender as he and the monkey sit down. The bartender tells him to hold on to the monkey, gives the man his ten spot back and he orders another beer. The bartender gives him a beer and sits a bowl of peanuts on the bar.
After awhile the bartender notices the monkey picking up peanut after peanut, putting it down to his butt, inserting it and then husking and eating it...
The bartender sidles over and asks what the monkey is doing that for...to which the man replies....
Oh, he measures everything before he eats it now......
Before you know it the monkey jumps down and heads for the pool room, jumps up on a table grabs the cue ball, eyes it up and then swallows it whole.
The bartender is furious but the man apologizes and promises to bring the cue ball back in a few days and leaves 10.00 as a deposit and leaves.
A few days later the man returns with his monkey and the cue ball all fresh and shiny. He hands it to the bartender as he and the monkey sit down. The bartender tells him to hold on to the monkey, gives the man his ten spot back and he orders another beer. The bartender gives him a beer and sits a bowl of peanuts on the bar.
After awhile the bartender notices the monkey picking up peanut after peanut, putting it down to his butt, inserting it and then husking and eating it...
The bartender sidles over and asks what the monkey is doing that for...to which the man replies....
Oh, he measures everything before he eats it now......
Butch Lambert
Active member
Terrorist
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington , DC . Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, about a gallon each
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington , DC . Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, about a gallon each
M
mike in co
Guest
J
Jdh
Guest
MAN OF THE HOUSE
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.
Finding new courage that he never knew he had, he stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife,
"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is the 'Law.'
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, bring it to me, and when I am done eating my meal, you will clear the dishes and serve me a scrumptious dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will make love the way I want! Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will put on soothing music, wash my back, towel me dry, and bring me my robe.
You will massage my feet and hands to relieve any last bit of tension in me, so that I can sleep like a baby.
Then, tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?
The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess, unless I have your ass cremated."
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.
Finding new courage that he never knew he had, he stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife,
"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is the 'Law.'
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, bring it to me, and when I am done eating my meal, you will clear the dishes and serve me a scrumptious dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will make love the way I want! Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will put on soothing music, wash my back, towel me dry, and bring me my robe.
You will massage my feet and hands to relieve any last bit of tension in me, so that I can sleep like a baby.
Then, tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?
The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess, unless I have your ass cremated."
Geronimo Jim
New member
Jdh.............my wife really go a good laugh out of that!
Texas Chili Tasting Contest
I POSTED THIS ONE ON THIS SITE SEVERAL YEARS AGO. FOR THOSE WHO MISSED IT,HERE IT IS AGAIN.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who has visited from Springfield IL.
Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judges table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”
Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge 3)
Chili #1 Eddie’s Maniac Monster Chili
>Judge #1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>Judge #2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>Judge #3 — (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint on my driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
Chili #2 Austin’s Afterburner Chili
>Judge #1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>Judge #2 — Exiting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
>Judge #3 — Keep this out of reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili #3 Ronny’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
>Judge #1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
>Judge #2 — A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
>Judge #3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting pie-eyed from all the beer…
Chili #4 Dave’s Black Magic
>Judge #1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>Judge #2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
>Judge #3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili #5 Lisa’s Legal Lip Remover
>Judge #1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
>Judge #2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>Judge #3 – My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili #6 Pam’s Very Vegetarian Variety
>Judge #1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
> Judge #2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
> Judge #3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chili #7 Carla’s Screaming Sensation Chili
>Judge #1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>Judge #2 — Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last minute. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
>Judge #3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are filled with lave to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing; it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8 Karen’s Toenail Curling Chili
>Judge #1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>Judge #2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to REALLY hot chili.
Glenn
I POSTED THIS ONE ON THIS SITE SEVERAL YEARS AGO. FOR THOSE WHO MISSED IT,HERE IT IS AGAIN.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who has visited from Springfield IL.
Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judges table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”
Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge 3)
Chili #1 Eddie’s Maniac Monster Chili
>Judge #1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>Judge #2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>Judge #3 — (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint on my driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
Chili #2 Austin’s Afterburner Chili
>Judge #1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>Judge #2 — Exiting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
>Judge #3 — Keep this out of reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili #3 Ronny’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
>Judge #1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
>Judge #2 — A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
>Judge #3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting pie-eyed from all the beer…
Chili #4 Dave’s Black Magic
>Judge #1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>Judge #2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
>Judge #3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili #5 Lisa’s Legal Lip Remover
>Judge #1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
>Judge #2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>Judge #3 – My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili #6 Pam’s Very Vegetarian Variety
>Judge #1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
> Judge #2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
> Judge #3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chili #7 Carla’s Screaming Sensation Chili
>Judge #1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>Judge #2 — Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last minute. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
>Judge #3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are filled with lave to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing; it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8 Karen’s Toenail Curling Chili
>Judge #1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>Judge #2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to REALLY hot chili.
Glenn
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Vern
Morethan1waytoskinacat
Glen thats greatness.
Here is one that is TRUE, funny or sad, if your from Texas and probably doesnt make sense if your not.
I moved to Michigan for 9 months back in the mid 90's.
One day while at church we were all talking about a pot luck. Someone popped up with the idea of Chili for the pot luck.
Of course I offered to bring a pot of Texas Red.
I was told I needed to see Sister SonSo because she always made the very best chili.
I went over and ask sister SonSo about her chili.
She was more than willing to share her great experience and expertise.
She said she used a BIG BIG (couple of gallons) pot with pound or so of ground beef AND....
peas and beans and even some mushrooms.......AND since she liked it spicy she would even add a whole tablespoon of chili powder.
My emotions were somewhere between hysterical laughter and nausea.
As a final issue when I went to the grocery store to try and find some chili powder to make the chili with I could on find the really small containers...you know the ones.... it would take 8 or 10 just to make one batch.
Never mind finding actual dried chilies to make your own with. Finally gave up and went to Sams and found the big bottle.
Sad but true.
Here is one that is TRUE, funny or sad, if your from Texas and probably doesnt make sense if your not.
I moved to Michigan for 9 months back in the mid 90's.
One day while at church we were all talking about a pot luck. Someone popped up with the idea of Chili for the pot luck.
Of course I offered to bring a pot of Texas Red.
I was told I needed to see Sister SonSo because she always made the very best chili.
I went over and ask sister SonSo about her chili.
She was more than willing to share her great experience and expertise.
She said she used a BIG BIG (couple of gallons) pot with pound or so of ground beef AND....
peas and beans and even some mushrooms.......AND since she liked it spicy she would even add a whole tablespoon of chili powder.
My emotions were somewhere between hysterical laughter and nausea.
As a final issue when I went to the grocery store to try and find some chili powder to make the chili with I could on find the really small containers...you know the ones.... it would take 8 or 10 just to make one batch.
Never mind finding actual dried chilies to make your own with. Finally gave up and went to Sams and found the big bottle.
Sad but true.