M
mike in co
Guest
butch...
i'll give you a "brake" on that one...
mike in co
i'll give you a "brake" on that one...
mike in co
Nor Cal Mikie
Active member
What do you call an Amish Farmer with his arm 1/2 way up a horses rear end?
Mechanic!
Mechanic!
K
kansasvet
Guest
Subject: Women Just aren't Right
Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Here is proof that they are wrong.
A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say "It would be nice to have another kid".
You never hear a guy say " I would like another kick in the nuts".
Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Here is proof that they are wrong.
A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say "It would be nice to have another kid".
You never hear a guy say " I would like another kick in the nuts".
S
swmft
Guest
I’m not the best looking guy; some would say I’m a little frayed around the edges these days.
But, I have a nice bike, a little money, and I spend most of my time casually riding from place to place.
I met a nice-looking girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us.
She did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees and lay on the grass at my feet.
As we lay making love, I thought, “Damn, these Taser guns are really worth the money!”
But, I have a nice bike, a little money, and I spend most of my time casually riding from place to place.
I met a nice-looking girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us.
She did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees and lay on the grass at my feet.
As we lay making love, I thought, “Damn, these Taser guns are really worth the money!”
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat
sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos,
fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes
me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked,
"Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos,
fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes
me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked,
"Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin,
orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
M
mike in co
Guest
Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas ..
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'
Furious, Bert yelled,
'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'
'Nope', she replied.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'
Without changing her expression,
Margaret replied,
'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert,
Shoulda bought a hat.'
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'
Furious, Bert yelled,
'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'
'Nope', she replied.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'
Without changing her expression,
Margaret replied,
'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert,
Shoulda bought a hat.'
F
fishbone
Guest
REPLACEMENT WINDOWS
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
The Zipper
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing
a tight leather skirt was waiting for bus.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to raise up to the height of
the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile
to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't! So, a
little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her
skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a
little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little
more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up
easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She
went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How
dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with
you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we was
friends."
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing
a tight leather skirt was waiting for bus.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to raise up to the height of
the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile
to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't! So, a
little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her
skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a
little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little
more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up
easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She
went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How
dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with
you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we was
friends."
F
fishbone
Guest
A guy climbs onto a bar stool and asks the bartender for a draft. He says, " while you're at it, give that Douche Bag at the end of the bar a drink too".
The bartender gets huffy, and says, " hold on they buddy, we don't treat ladies like that here". The customer say's, "sorry, but get her a drink anyway".
The bartender approaches the woman and asks what she is drinking, that the gentleman at the other end of the bar would like to buy her a drink. She say's, "how nice, I'll have a vinegar and water".
The bartender gets huffy, and says, " hold on they buddy, we don't treat ladies like that here". The customer say's, "sorry, but get her a drink anyway".
The bartender approaches the woman and asks what she is drinking, that the gentleman at the other end of the bar would like to buy her a drink. She say's, "how nice, I'll have a vinegar and water".
A lobster fisherman from Maine gets pulled over by a New Hampshire State Trooper for speeding.
The trooper started to lecture the lobster fisherman about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the lobster fisherman feel uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The lobster fisherman says, "Havin' some problem with them circle flies?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I've never heard of circle flies."
"Well, sir," the lobster fisherman replies, "circle flies hang around farms. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and asks, "Are you callin' me a horse's ass?"
"No, sir," the lobster fisherman replies, "Have too much respect for law enforcement to call you a horse's ass."
"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the lobster fisherman, in his best Maine drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though".
The trooper started to lecture the lobster fisherman about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the lobster fisherman feel uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The lobster fisherman says, "Havin' some problem with them circle flies?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I've never heard of circle flies."
"Well, sir," the lobster fisherman replies, "circle flies hang around farms. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and asks, "Are you callin' me a horse's ass?"
"No, sir," the lobster fisherman replies, "Have too much respect for law enforcement to call you a horse's ass."
"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the lobster fisherman, in his best Maine drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though".
C
Calumet
Guest
Learning from kids
I was sitting on the porch the other day when a neighbor kid came by with a roll of duct tape.....I asked what he was going to do and he replied "I'm gonna get me some ducks"!
I tried to explain to him about this idea but he was resolute and off he went!
A few hours later he came back with a mess of mallards tangled up in the "duct tape".....I just watched in awe as he smartly walked by!
The next day he came by with some chicken wire and I asked what he had in mind.....and he replied that he was going to get some chickens.....
It tried once more to explain the folley of his thinking but again he ignored me and went about his way.
A few hours later he came back with a whole lot of chickens tangled in the wire.....and smiled as he passed me!
So now I'm scratching my head in wonder.....but on the third day he came by with a bunch of sticks with small buds on them and I asked what he had and he replied...."pussy willows"
I hollered out...."Wait up there kid.....I'm coming with you!"
I was sitting on the porch the other day when a neighbor kid came by with a roll of duct tape.....I asked what he was going to do and he replied "I'm gonna get me some ducks"!
I tried to explain to him about this idea but he was resolute and off he went!
A few hours later he came back with a mess of mallards tangled up in the "duct tape".....I just watched in awe as he smartly walked by!
The next day he came by with some chicken wire and I asked what he had in mind.....and he replied that he was going to get some chickens.....
It tried once more to explain the folley of his thinking but again he ignored me and went about his way.
A few hours later he came back with a whole lot of chickens tangled in the wire.....and smiled as he passed me!
So now I'm scratching my head in wonder.....but on the third day he came by with a bunch of sticks with small buds on them and I asked what he had and he replied...."pussy willows"
I hollered out...."Wait up there kid.....I'm coming with you!"
M
mike in co
Guest
no its the truth...no bedding. free float bbl, good trigger...the COMMERCIAL R1 is not like an m16/ar15.........
do not confuse facts with old wives tales and limited experience....( ok we shsould never say "any traditional" maybe most traditional would work.
mik ein co
do not confuse facts with old wives tales and limited experience....( ok we shsould never say "any traditional" maybe most traditional would work.
mik ein co
M
mike in co
Guest
and now on to humor...
The Pope and Obama are on the same
stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards
Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand
I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not
be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll
forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that!
With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"�
So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!
AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was
happiness throughout the land!
Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
The Pope and Obama are on the same
stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards
Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand
I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not
be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll
forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that!
With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"�
So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!
AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was
happiness throughout the land!
Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
S
swmft
Guest
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped
at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly
left her glasses on the table, and she didn't
miss them until they had been driving for
about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they
had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around,
in order to return to the restaurant to
retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband
became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded
his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her,
the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,
"While you're in there, you might as well
get my hat and the credit card."
at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly
left her glasses on the table, and she didn't
miss them until they had been driving for
about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they
had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around,
in order to return to the restaurant to
retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband
became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded
his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her,
the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,
"While you're in there, you might as well
get my hat and the credit card."
Two old British bluebloods were discussing tiger hunting in India in the old days of the British Raj.
"I say, Farnsworth, " says Smedley, " I recall I was on safari deep in the jungle when I came upon the largest Bengal Tiger I had ever seen."
"Zounds Smedley!" said Farnsworth, " Whatever did you do?"
"Well old chap" continued Smedley, " I raised my rifle, aimed right between that blighter's eyes and fired, but as luck would have it, my powder must have gotten wet in the monsoon, and the rifle misfired."
"Hard cheese, Smedley!, " said Farnsworth, " What happened then?"
"The tiger saw me and gave chase," Smedley embellished, "I took flight as fast as my feet would carry me, and just when it seemed he was upon me, he slipped, and I gained a bit of a lead. Then as he was catching up, he slipped again and I made a clean escape into the nearest Ghurka outpost."
" I say! " exclaimed Farnsworth, " Jolly good luck! I have to confide though, Smedley, had I been in your position, I dare say I would have shat my trousers!"
"Dear boy," concluded Smedley, "what do you think the tiger was slipping on?"
"I say, Farnsworth, " says Smedley, " I recall I was on safari deep in the jungle when I came upon the largest Bengal Tiger I had ever seen."
"Zounds Smedley!" said Farnsworth, " Whatever did you do?"
"Well old chap" continued Smedley, " I raised my rifle, aimed right between that blighter's eyes and fired, but as luck would have it, my powder must have gotten wet in the monsoon, and the rifle misfired."
"Hard cheese, Smedley!, " said Farnsworth, " What happened then?"
"The tiger saw me and gave chase," Smedley embellished, "I took flight as fast as my feet would carry me, and just when it seemed he was upon me, he slipped, and I gained a bit of a lead. Then as he was catching up, he slipped again and I made a clean escape into the nearest Ghurka outpost."
" I say! " exclaimed Farnsworth, " Jolly good luck! I have to confide though, Smedley, had I been in your position, I dare say I would have shat my trousers!"
"Dear boy," concluded Smedley, "what do you think the tiger was slipping on?"
Last edited:
and another ethnic joke
Read it clear thru, bear with me
In the Deep South:
A bus stops and two Italian travelers get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversations. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola dow'na lady," said the man. "I'ma just tellun my friend how to spell'a Mississippi."
Read it clear thru, bear with me
In the Deep South:
A bus stops and two Italian travelers get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversations. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola dow'na lady," said the man. "I'ma just tellun my friend how to spell'a Mississippi."