we need a humor forum.....until then

Knew a guy that worked at a zoo circumcisizing elephants. The pay wasn't much but the tips were big. The last I heard he had changed jobs and was working in the circumcision ward at the local hospital. 20 skins a week and a chance to get ahead.
 
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suicide ???

Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
 
Sorry if ABP

After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at Hooter's to see some friends and have some hot Wings and iced tea.



After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.



I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators". I'm old, I'm tired, and I pee a lot."
 
ELMIRA, ON

A convoy of Mennonite buggies are snaking their way through the country roads all the way from Elmira to Ottawa to demand their right to quilt whatever patterns they so choose.

“Who’s Trudeau to say I’ve got to make a Star of Bethlehem or Nine Patch?” shouted Mrs. Bauman from the back of her buggy. “This is a free country and if I want to sew myself a Center Diamond or Trip Around the World pattern that’s my prerogative!”

The Mennonites are up in arms about the new restrictions, which they believe might also affect their ability to stuff sausages as they choose.

“I don’t need the government telling me what to stuff my sausage with,” explained local butcher Mr. Brubacher. “A man’s smoked meat is his own business!”

The Mennonite buggies plan to gather on Parliament Hill and stay there until Trudeau himself comes out to speak to them.

“We’re hoping to win him over with sausage and quilts,” said Mrs. Bauman. “At the very least we’re hoping our non-violent hymn singing and frowny faces will persuade him.”

The City of Ottawa sanitation department has already assessed the situation and say they don’t believe the presence of a couple thousand Mennonite buggies and their accompanying horses will make any discernible impact on the level of horsechit in the nation's capital
 
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What's the difference between California and the Titanic?

The Titanic had it's lights on when it went down.
 
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