antelopedundee
internet bum
That's a good one.
That's a good one.
OU - Alabama
A friend of mine has two tickets for the Orange Bowl(Alabama vs Oklahoma), both box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at Clarksville Baptist Church at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too.....She'll be the one in the white dress.....
A friend of mine has two tickets for the Orange Bowl(Alabama vs Oklahoma), both box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at Clarksville Baptist Church at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too.....She'll be the one in the white dress.....
antelopedundee
internet bum
A benchrester lived in Oklahoma on the border with Texas. One year he had his property re-surveyed and found that his ranch was actually in Texas. Thank God he said, "now I don't have to put up with any more of those XXXXXXX Oklahoma winters
Last edited by a moderator:
A bloke went into a pub in Australia and noticed two very large young ladies sitting at the bar and talking with a strange accent so being a typical friendly Aussie bloke he said "So where in Scotland do you lovely ladies come from?"
The one with the short haircut replied "It's Wales you bloody idiot!"
So, not to be put off, he replied.
"Sorry ladies. So where do you two whales come from?"
I don't remember what happened after that.
The one with the short haircut replied "It's Wales you bloody idiot!"
So, not to be put off, he replied.
"Sorry ladies. So where do you two whales come from?"
I don't remember what happened after that.
John Kielly
Shari's fan club
1. I got a dig bick
2. You that read wrong
3. You read that wrong too
4. You checked
5. You smiled
7. You are wondering why you're still this reading this
8. You saw that mistake... right? (On 7)
10. But did you see that I skipped 6?
10. You checked
11. And saw you that I doubled 10 and skipped 9
12. I said saw you, not you saw
13. I also skipped 2
14. You got tricked
15. I'm just wasting your time go back to reading the comments.
2. You that read wrong
3. You read that wrong too
4. You checked
5. You smiled
7. You are wondering why you're still this reading this
8. You saw that mistake... right? (On 7)
10. But did you see that I skipped 6?
10. You checked
11. And saw you that I doubled 10 and skipped 9
12. I said saw you, not you saw
13. I also skipped 2
14. You got tricked
15. I'm just wasting your time go back to reading the comments.
Well, it's Christmas again..... deer season's over.
I first heard this story around this time so here we are again.
How to Rope a Deer
or
Corn Fed Venison – It Looked Good On Paper!
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. I now realize that this definitely wasn’t the brightest idea I have ever had.
The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.
The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.
After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up — 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope.
The deer just stood there and stared at me.
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
I took a step towards it…took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED.
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer– no chance.
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.
The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.
At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer’s momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn’t want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder – a little trap I had set beforehand…kind of like a squeeze chute.
I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite?
They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.
Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head –almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.
It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.
I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it.
While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.
I learned a long time ago that, when an animal — like a horse — strikes at you with their hooves and you can’t get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.
I screamed like a little girl and tried to turn and run.
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.
Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
I was pretty beat up. My scalp was split open, I had several large goose eggs, my wrist was bleeding pretty good and felt broken (it turned out to be just badly bruised) and my back was bleeding in a few places, though my insulated canvas jacket had protected me from most of the worst of it. I drove to the nearest place, which was the Co-Op. I got out of the truck, covered in blood and dust and looking like hell. The guy who ran the place saw me through the window and came running out yelling, “What happened?”
I have never seen any law in the state of Kansas that would prohibit an individual from roping a deer. I suspect that this is an area that they have overlooked entirely. Knowing, as I do, the lengths to which law enforcement personnel will go to exercise their power, I was concerned that they may find a way to twist the existing laws to paint my actions as criminal. I swear… not wanting to admit that I had done something monumentally stupid played no part in my response. I told him “I was attacked by a deer”. I did not mention that at the time I had a rope on it. The evidence was all over my body. Deer prints on the back of my jacket where it had stomped all over me and a large deer print on my face where it had struck me there. I asked him to call somebody to come get me. I didn’t think I could make it home on my own. He did. Later that afternoon, a game warden showed up at my house and wanted to know about the deer attack. Surprisingly, deer attacks are a rare thing and wildlife and parks was interested in the event. I tried to describe the attack as completely and accurately as I could. I was filling the grain hopper and this deer came out of nowhere and just started kicking the hell out of me and BIT me. It was obviously rabid or insane or something.
EVERYBODY for miles around knows about the deer attack (the guy at the Co-Op has a big mouth). For several weeks people dragged their kids in the house when they saw deer around and the local ranchers carried rifles when they filled their feeders. I have told several people the story, but NEVER anybody around here. I have to see these people every day and as an outsider — a “city folk”. I have enough trouble fitting in without them snickering behind my back and whispering, “There is the dumbass that tried to rope the deer!”
So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope or a shotgun. It sort of evens the odds.
I first heard this story around this time so here we are again.
How to Rope a Deer
or
Corn Fed Venison – It Looked Good On Paper!
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. I now realize that this definitely wasn’t the brightest idea I have ever had.
The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.
The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.
After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up — 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope.
The deer just stood there and stared at me.
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
I took a step towards it…took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED.
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer– no chance.
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.
The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.
At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer’s momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn’t want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder – a little trap I had set beforehand…kind of like a squeeze chute.
I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite?
They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.
Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head –almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.
It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.
I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it.
While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.
I learned a long time ago that, when an animal — like a horse — strikes at you with their hooves and you can’t get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.
I screamed like a little girl and tried to turn and run.
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.
Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
I was pretty beat up. My scalp was split open, I had several large goose eggs, my wrist was bleeding pretty good and felt broken (it turned out to be just badly bruised) and my back was bleeding in a few places, though my insulated canvas jacket had protected me from most of the worst of it. I drove to the nearest place, which was the Co-Op. I got out of the truck, covered in blood and dust and looking like hell. The guy who ran the place saw me through the window and came running out yelling, “What happened?”
I have never seen any law in the state of Kansas that would prohibit an individual from roping a deer. I suspect that this is an area that they have overlooked entirely. Knowing, as I do, the lengths to which law enforcement personnel will go to exercise their power, I was concerned that they may find a way to twist the existing laws to paint my actions as criminal. I swear… not wanting to admit that I had done something monumentally stupid played no part in my response. I told him “I was attacked by a deer”. I did not mention that at the time I had a rope on it. The evidence was all over my body. Deer prints on the back of my jacket where it had stomped all over me and a large deer print on my face where it had struck me there. I asked him to call somebody to come get me. I didn’t think I could make it home on my own. He did. Later that afternoon, a game warden showed up at my house and wanted to know about the deer attack. Surprisingly, deer attacks are a rare thing and wildlife and parks was interested in the event. I tried to describe the attack as completely and accurately as I could. I was filling the grain hopper and this deer came out of nowhere and just started kicking the hell out of me and BIT me. It was obviously rabid or insane or something.
EVERYBODY for miles around knows about the deer attack (the guy at the Co-Op has a big mouth). For several weeks people dragged their kids in the house when they saw deer around and the local ranchers carried rifles when they filled their feeders. I have told several people the story, but NEVER anybody around here. I have to see these people every day and as an outsider — a “city folk”. I have enough trouble fitting in without them snickering behind my back and whispering, “There is the dumbass that tried to rope the deer!”
So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope or a shotgun. It sort of evens the odds.
Bill Wynne
Active member
That is a good story, Al. The same thing happened to a rancher down here in Texas except he was less concerned for the deer than he was for his good rope. Although it happened many years ago, I actually knew who the fellow was and where his spread was. I got the story straight some years ago from an older gentleman who actually saw the rope.
Concho Bill
Concho Bill
antelopedundee
internet bum
BORROWED
"A couple was in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing, and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone.
The wife said "Where are you? You know we have lots to do."
He said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with a diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you."
Little tears started to flow down her cheek, and she got all choked up.
"Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.
"Well, I'm in the Hooters next to it."
"A couple was in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing, and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone.
The wife said "Where are you? You know we have lots to do."
He said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with a diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you."
Little tears started to flow down her cheek, and she got all choked up.
"Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.
"Well, I'm in the Hooters next to it."
John Kielly
Shari's fan club
Will this help?
This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much.
It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent."
The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly."
"Good", the doctor said, "now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing."
This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much.
It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent."
The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly."
"Good", the doctor said, "now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing."
A bloke was walking over a bridge one day when he saw an Irish fellow crying, so he asked if he could help.
The Irishman said, between sobs "It's me mate, my mate fell into the river"
Straight away the bloke stripped off and dived into the river and searched as best as he could but after nearly an hour he was exhausted and had to give up the search.
Returning to the Irishman he reported the sad news and said that the family would have to be informed. "So where did your mate come from?" he asked.
"It came from my sandwich, the mate fell out of my sandwich" was the reply.
The Irishman said, between sobs "It's me mate, my mate fell into the river"
Straight away the bloke stripped off and dived into the river and searched as best as he could but after nearly an hour he was exhausted and had to give up the search.
Returning to the Irishman he reported the sad news and said that the family would have to be informed. "So where did your mate come from?" he asked.
"It came from my sandwich, the mate fell out of my sandwich" was the reply.
mikkelkasper
New member
An alien walked into a shop and told the owner that he came from Mars and wanted to buy a brain for research.
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''How much is this one?'' he asked.
''That one is a monkey brain, and it's $20,'' the owner explained.
''How much is that one?'' the alien asked.
"That one is a female brain, and it's $100,'' the owner replied.
''And how much is that one?'' the alien asked.
''That one is a male's brain and it is $500'' the owner explained.
''Why so expensive?'' the alien asked.
The owner answered,''Well, it's hardly been used!
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''How much is this one?'' he asked.
''That one is a monkey brain, and it's $20,'' the owner explained.
''How much is that one?'' the alien asked.
"That one is a female brain, and it's $100,'' the owner replied.
''And how much is that one?'' the alien asked.
''That one is a male's brain and it is $500'' the owner explained.
''Why so expensive?'' the alien asked.
The owner answered,''Well, it's hardly been used!
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Tom's dog
A little boy had a flask of acid and was merrily releasing drops onto ants on the pavement, watching them dissolve.
A Priest saw this...
"My son, my son, you cannot take it upon yourself to destroy one of God's creatures. We were all created equal in the eyes
of the Lord."
"Oh." The boy said and continued dissolving ants.
"I tell you what..." said the priest. "I'll trade you this vial of Holy Water for your flask of acid."
"What's so good about Holy Water?"
"I rubbed some of this on a pregnant woman's belly and she passed a baby." The priest said with satisfaction.
"Yeah...Well I put some of this on me mate Tom's dog's balls and it passed a motorbike."
A little boy had a flask of acid and was merrily releasing drops onto ants on the pavement, watching them dissolve.
A Priest saw this...
"My son, my son, you cannot take it upon yourself to destroy one of God's creatures. We were all created equal in the eyes
of the Lord."
"Oh." The boy said and continued dissolving ants.
"I tell you what..." said the priest. "I'll trade you this vial of Holy Water for your flask of acid."
"What's so good about Holy Water?"
"I rubbed some of this on a pregnant woman's belly and she passed a baby." The priest said with satisfaction.
"Yeah...Well I put some of this on me mate Tom's dog's balls and it passed a motorbike."
antelopedundee
internet bum
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one but the light bulb's got to want to be changed.
Confucious say woman can run faster with skirt up than man can with pants down.
Just one but the light bulb's got to want to be changed.
Confucious say woman can run faster with skirt up than man can with pants down.
antelopedundee
internet bum
R
retired
Guest
Women can be so insensitive
WOMEN CAN BE SO INSENSITIVE
Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please - just one more time before I die ?'
She says, 'Of course, dear.' And they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey , I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could....?'
At this point the wife rolls over and says, 'Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning... ......you don't."
WOMEN CAN BE SO INSENSITIVE
Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please - just one more time before I die ?'
She says, 'Of course, dear.' And they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey , I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could....?'
At this point the wife rolls over and says, 'Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning... ......you don't."
antelopedundee
internet bum
Did you hear about the guy from Canada who won $3 million in a lottery? A dollar a year for 3 million years.
R