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The Trouble

A Navy man walks into a bar,

gives the bartender a conspiratorial wink and says, "Quick, pour me a drink, before the trouble starts." The bartender pours a drink and watches as the Sailor downs it in one gulp. The Sailor slams the glass down on the bar and says, "Quick, give me another one before the trouble starts." The bartender pours another glass and the Sailor drinks it as quickly as he had the first. The Sailor pauses, lets out a belch and demands a third drink 'before the trouble starts.' After several rounds of this, the bartender says, "Look Sailor, you've been talking about trouble for ten minutes. Just when is this 'trouble' going to start?" The sailor looks at the bartender and grins. "The trouble starts just as soon as you figure out that I don't have any money."
 
Three nuns die in a car crash. While they are at the pearly gates st peter tells them,ok before each one of you can go through the gates i am going to ask each one of you a question and you have to answer it right.
So he Tells the first nun what was the name of the first man on earth,the nun looks at him and says oh man thats an easy one,adam and the gates opened and she went through. He asked the second nun what was the name of the first woman on earth the nun looks at him and says oh man that’s an easy one,eve and the gates open and she goes through.next is a third nun. St. Peter looks at her and tell her, ok what did eve say When Adam was making love to her, The nun looked at him and says oh man that’s a hard one, and the gates opened
 
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would
just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and
a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple
of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem
- -how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told
him she was lost.
She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to Green Pigeon ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house
I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.
Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose
in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk
the old girl home.
On the way he says, 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without
a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold
me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens,
and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top
of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'
 
Francis....

how do you tell a French airplane in a snowstorm?

Its the only one with chains on the propeller.
 
Aussie Siamese Twins

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Sydney and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender,
"Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, and on the left here is Jim. We'll have two VB's, thanks."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.
"Been on holiday recently, lads?"
"Off to the States next month," says John. "We go to the States every year, hire a nice car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?"
Jim agrees.
"Ah, The States!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country ...... the people, climate, the beer, the culture .. .. ..."
"Nah, we don't like that American crap," says John. "Aussie meat pies, chips, and VB, that's us, hey, Jim?
Jim agrees.
And we can't stand the Yanks, not civil and polite like us Aussies."
"So why keep going to the States?" asks the bartender.
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.......
 
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.

A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered, "Sure, why not."

So the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested.

A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.



Moral of this story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
 
Did you hear the one about the monkey making love to the skunk? He hadn't had all he wanted but he had all he could stand.
 
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare
 
Ray and Bob, two government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bob, "But we don't have a ladder." The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox." She loosened a few bolts, and then laid the pole down. She then took a tape measure from their toolbox took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away Ray shook his head and laughed, "Well, ain't that just like a 'Miss-know-it-all woman'" he said, "We need the height and she gives us the length!" Ray and Bob are still working for the government. But now they are congressmen.
 
This is for Charles E......Charles, I hope you're still reading :)

A friend from Morocco gave me a recipe for some delicious rolls to have with dinner. But the recipe calls for fresh thyme. I only have the dried stuff and it's been in the cupboard for years....... I'ma' make it anyways......

Never know. I might like that old thyme Moroccan roll.
 
someone we know, has been snorting too much portland cement

alinwa said:
This is for Charles E......Charles, I hope you're still reading :)

A friend from Morocco gave me a recipe for some delicious rolls to have with dinner. But the recipe calls for fresh thyme. I only have the dried stuff and it's been in the cupboard for years....... I'ma' make it anyways......

Never know. I might like that old thyme Moroccan roll.
Click to expand...
 
Three swimmers are on the starting blocks at the Paralympic games.

The first one has no arms, the second one has no legs, and the third one is just a head standing on the block.

The race starts, the first two swimmers jump in and start swimming, someone pushes the head in.

They go at it like crazy and finally, the guy with no legs reaches the finish line.

Everyone cheers, he is so happy, but he looks around and sees bubbles coming from the water.

He dives and grabs the head from the bottom of the pool, bringing it up in his teeth.

The head coughs some water and says:

"I train for five years to swim with my ears and just before the start some idiot comes and puts a swim cap on me!"
 
My Son the Veterinarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by
curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered..

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada..... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno'
 
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
 
Lemon pickers needed in florida

LEMON PICKERS NEEDED IN FLORIDA - ONLY US CITIZENS OR LEGAL IMMIGRANTS NEED APPLY

“Lemon Pickers Needed” read the ad in the newspaper.

Ms. Sally Mulligan of Coral Springs , Florida, read it, and decided to apply for one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.
She submitted her application for a job in a Florida lemon grove, but seemed far too qualified for the job.

She has a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan , and a master’s degree from Michigan
State University.
For a number of years, she had worked as a social worker, and also as a school teacher.
The foreman studied her application, frowned, and said, "I see that you are well educated, and have an impressive resume.

“However, I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said…

"I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, voted twice for Obama, and once for Hillary.”

She started work yesterday.
 
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