we need a humor forum.....until then

A well-to-do Virginian aristocrat threw a soiree at his home. He invited acquaintances from all across the south instructing them "bring someone with you, preferably someone interesting... someone, different...."

So one of the guests brought in his bayou huntin' guide Leroy...

The party was held around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft gator in my pool hasn't been fed in a week, I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its @$$! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, holding the gator by the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo master.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising h***. Finally Leroy swapped ends, strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

The rich man said, "man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what DO you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool"!
 
Stimulus Package Advice

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will likely receive another economic stimulus.

It is indeed a very exciting program, and I’ll explain it by using a Q&A format:

Q: What is an Economic Stimulus?

A: It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q: Where will the government get this money?

A: From taxpayers.

Q: Is the government simply giving me back my own money, then?

A: No, only a smidgen of it.

Q: What is the purpose of this payment?

A: The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high definition television set, a new iPad, or a new gaming system, thus stimulating the economy.

Q: Isn’t that stimulating the economy of China?

A: Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U. S. Economy with your stimulus check. Use it wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Walmart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.

* if you spend it on gasoline, the money will go to the Arabs.

* if you purchase a computer, it goes to India, Taiwan, or China.

* if you purchase fruits and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.

* if you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

* if you purchase useless stuff, it goes to Taiwan.

* if you pay towards your credit card off or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

(1) Spending it at a yard sale, or

(2) Going to a ballgame, or

(3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

(4) Beer, or

(5) Tattoos, or

(6) Cannabis products

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the United States.)

CONCLUSION: Go to a ballgame with a tattooed prostitute you met at a yard sale and stay high all day.

No need to thank me, I’m just glad I could be of help.


Ohhhh, ooops....... this last week they cancelled all the ballgames.......

And yard sales are now verboten.... so you'll have to STAY HOME with the tattooed hooker and stay high.

Maybe watch the tiger guy....

Hope ya's got's lots of tp!!
 
I hope some of you'se are fishermen so's you can see the truth and genius at work here!!!!!

Open the tackle box a week later to remember them worms you forgot to take out??
BTDT

Open the tackle box to be greeted by those salmon eggs from 3 wks ago???
BTDT

Come back from fishing brackish and forget the sand shrimp??
BTDTGTTS

The Shrimps....

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman.

The house was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place.

The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things.

While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely.

Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went.

Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move.

The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home ... including the curtain rods.
 
Lockdown stress?

Borrowed from another board I frequent. Author unknown.

Enjoy.....Roger


Lock down
Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!
Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.
I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.
Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant.
In the end the iron straightened me out as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing.
The vacuum was very unsympathetic... told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over!
The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and didn’t say anything but the door knob told me to get a grip.
The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to ........yes, you guessed it .....pull myself together
 
The price of honesty

The price of honesty: Man killed on golf course!



A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she duffs it 10 feet. Then she goes over and misses it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically: "i guess all those f --- ing lessons i took over the winter didn't help.“



one of the men immediately responds: "well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"

he never even had a chance to duck. He was only 43.
 
Teen

The teenager goes to his Dad and says he would like to have a talk. His Dad replies, what's the problem Son? The teen says, Dad, I've been having this weird feeling that there is something in my past that I don't know about. Well Son, the man says, I believe its time to tell you that you were adopted, but they brought you back.
 
Too much togetherness??

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, I replied, "No......."

She responded, "How about now?"
 
A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver
is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer,
demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual
orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right
corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator'
for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with
his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an ass hole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he
is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks;
"Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine,
same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you
don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.”

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for ass hole?"

“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”
 
Tom and Anna are both 60 years old and have been married for 40 years.

One day they go for a walk and all of a sudden a good fairy stands in front of them and says, “You’ve been married for so long and you’re so cute together, I’ll grant you a wish each.”

The woman is beside herself with joy and wishes for a trip to Thailand. Poof – she’s holding two tickets to Thailand and a five star hotel voucher for two.

The man says, “Wow, that’s one chance in a lifetime! I’m sorry, darling, but I wish I had a wife that’s 30 years younger than me.”

“Are you sure?” asks the fairy.

“Yes!” replies Tom without hesitation.

Poof once more – and he’s 90.
 
I needed a haircut before the lockdown. I will just have to deal with it. Back in the day in a pinch my wife would cut my hair. she is pretty shakey these days and it's good way to get your eye
poked out.

Mort
 
Some more humor

Can we uninstall 2020 and reinstall it again?... I think it has a virus ...

Just asked a 6 year old if he understands why there is no school. He said yes because they are out of toilet paper.

On the bright side, I am no longer calling this shelter-in-place. I am an artist-in-residence.

After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house but lacking the time, this week I discovered that wasn’t the reason.

You’re not stuck at home, you’re safe at home. One word can change your attitude and one cough can change your life.

If you thought toilet paper was crazy ... just wait until 300 million people all want a haircut appointment.

2020 is a unique Leap Year. It has 29 days in February, 300 days in March and 5 years in April.

Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended Not so much to prevent COVID-19 but to stop eating.

This cleaning with alcohol is total b.s. NOTHING gets done after that first bottle.

Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands???

You think it’s bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people home schooled by day drinkers….

My Mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by laying in the bed all day, but look at me now! I’m saving the world!

I miss the days when we were terrified of Romaine lettuce. Ahh, the good times….

I swear my fridge just said: “what the hell do you want now?”

Whoever owes you money, go to their house now. They should be home.

Home schooling Day #3: they all graduated. #Done.
 
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