I was riding a crowded city bus one day when a woman boarded at the next stop. There were no seats available so she looked at me and said, "would you give up your seat to a pregnant lady?" I apologize for not offering and gave her my seat. After a minute or two I looked at her and said, you don't look pregnant to me. How long have you been pregnant? She said about fifteen minutes and I'm tired as hell.
Last edited:
Dave Coots
64 Chevy 409 10.42 129
antelopedundee
internet bum
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" Well," he explained, "The restaurant's owners hired an outside consulting firm to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to almost immediately replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
Later, I noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it, and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by over 80%."
I was impressed by his answer. But then a question came to my mind about the process. "Wait a minute. After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
“Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" Well," he explained, "The restaurant's owners hired an outside consulting firm to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to almost immediately replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
Later, I noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it, and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by over 80%."
I was impressed by his answer. But then a question came to my mind about the process. "Wait a minute. After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
“Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
A Kingdom was having a lot of crime so the King said, "whoever comes up with a solution will be greatly rewarded."
Many tried but their solutions did not work until this Old Man said he had the solution.
He asked to tear down all the jails and prisons. Then he had one jail for one person built.
Soon someone committed a crime.
The Old Man said, "Put him in jail."
Very soon another committed a crime and the officers came to ask the Old Man what to do with him to which the Old Man answered, "kill the first one and put this one in jail!"
Thus ended crime in the Kingdom.
Many tried but their solutions did not work until this Old Man said he had the solution.
He asked to tear down all the jails and prisons. Then he had one jail for one person built.
Soon someone committed a crime.
The Old Man said, "Put him in jail."
Very soon another committed a crime and the officers came to ask the Old Man what to do with him to which the Old Man answered, "kill the first one and put this one in jail!"
Thus ended crime in the Kingdom.
It seems that there was a little old church out in the countryside: painted white and with a high steeple.
One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale. The next day, he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out to the church and began the job.
He got done with the first side. It was looking great. But he noticed he had already used a half gallon. He didn’t want to run back in town and being the creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner in the shed out back, and began to thin his paint.
It worked out great. He finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint.
That night, it rained hard. In the morning, when he stepped outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that the first side looked great, but the paint on the other three sides had washed away.
The pastor looked up in sky in anguish, and cried out, “What shall I do?”
A voice came back from the heavens saying, “Repaint, and thin no more!”
One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale. The next day, he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out to the church and began the job.
He got done with the first side. It was looking great. But he noticed he had already used a half gallon. He didn’t want to run back in town and being the creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner in the shed out back, and began to thin his paint.
It worked out great. He finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint.
That night, it rained hard. In the morning, when he stepped outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that the first side looked great, but the paint on the other three sides had washed away.
The pastor looked up in sky in anguish, and cried out, “What shall I do?”
A voice came back from the heavens saying, “Repaint, and thin no more!”
Dave Coots
64 Chevy 409 10.42 129
FBecigneul
Member
Do you have anything smaller? There’s some real narrow minded a-holes in Washington who could use some.
speaking of politicians
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big gator, "what have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small gator.
"Hmm.....Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."
"Same here. Hmm.... How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.
Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the out of them and eat 'em!"
"Same here." says the big gator. "Do you eat Democrats or Republicans?"
"I eat the Democrats" says the little guy.
"Ah!" says the big gator. "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment.”
“You see, by the time you finish shaking the out of a Democrat, there's nothing left but an azzhole and a briefcase.”
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big gator, "what have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small gator.
"Hmm.....Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."
"Same here. Hmm.... How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.
Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the out of them and eat 'em!"
"Same here." says the big gator. "Do you eat Democrats or Republicans?"
"I eat the Democrats" says the little guy.
"Ah!" says the big gator. "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment.”
“You see, by the time you finish shaking the out of a Democrat, there's nothing left but an azzhole and a briefcase.”
Coronavirus Pandemic, day 16.
If anyone is still out there, I’m alive but struggling. Food is running low. Down to only 459 days worth. My hands are super sanitized and my butt is super clean. Down to 1599 rounds of ammo (dropped 1 round down the heat vent while doing daily inventory). Power still on, but for how long? Missing human interaction but I have my dogs.. for now.. (I'm soaking their food in BBQ sauce in an attempt to marinate them from the inside in case I have to eat them) . I fear dark days ahead. News is all bad. Neighbors have attempted to leap from windows to their death, (or near death... most have single story homes so they are badly bruised). Blew through most Netflix series so may have to rewatch some again..Basic Survival is a definite challenge. I vow to persevere to the end, I am a survivor! Please, if there is life out there, communicate with me to help preserve my sanity..
If anyone is still out there, I’m alive but struggling. Food is running low. Down to only 459 days worth. My hands are super sanitized and my butt is super clean. Down to 1599 rounds of ammo (dropped 1 round down the heat vent while doing daily inventory). Power still on, but for how long? Missing human interaction but I have my dogs.. for now.. (I'm soaking their food in BBQ sauce in an attempt to marinate them from the inside in case I have to eat them) . I fear dark days ahead. News is all bad. Neighbors have attempted to leap from windows to their death, (or near death... most have single story homes so they are badly bruised). Blew through most Netflix series so may have to rewatch some again..Basic Survival is a definite challenge. I vow to persevere to the end, I am a survivor! Please, if there is life out there, communicate with me to help preserve my sanity..
Butch Lambert
Active member
Too good Al! I plagiarized it and sent it out.
dmort
Active member
We are a week into self-isolation and it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.It breaks my heart to see her like this. I have thought very hard about how I can cheer her up. I have even considered perhaps letting her in the house - but rules are rules. STAY WELL!
John Kielly
Shari's fan club
Lockdown isn't all that bad. The thumb prints on the throat disappear after a few days.
Dave Coots
64 Chevy 409 10.42 129
FBecigneul
Member
It’s the same old story.....blame the dog.
John Kielly
Shari's fan club
And why not? They're so much more competent than we are.