Ohhh that is beautiful..... I've heard many variants of this story and you told it best! It's going into my files....
Ohhh that is beautiful..... I've heard many variants of this story and you told it best! It's going into my files....
antelopedundee
internet bum
Actually I borrowed it [without permission FWIW] from a poster on another message board knowing that it wasn't original with him. Glad it made your day.
A retired man went into the Job Center in downtown Denver, Colorado
and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested,
he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the
file and read, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the
gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay
them down, and carefully wash their private regions, then apply
shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils
so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
The annual salary is $85,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."
"Good grief, is that where the job is?"
"No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now
and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested,
he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the
file and read, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the
gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay
them down, and carefully wash their private regions, then apply
shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils
so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
The annual salary is $85,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."
"Good grief, is that where the job is?"
"No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now
All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi
will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2020, there
should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi
will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2020, there
should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.
Nor Cal Mikie
Active member
Preacher and the Cowboy
A Baptist preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas .
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which
was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a similar
drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage
of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the
attendant and said,
"Me too, I didn't know we had that choice."
A Baptist preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas .
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which
was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a similar
drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage
of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the
attendant and said,
"Me too, I didn't know we had that choice."
antelopedundee
internet bum
A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting,
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can
stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's
hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women
like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our
full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are
dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes,
but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humour!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling,
"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little on your lap."
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting,
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can
stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's
hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women
like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our
full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are
dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes,
but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humour!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling,
"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little on your lap."
antelopedundee
internet bum
A homeless panhandler walked up to Rosie O Donnell on the street and asked her for $2 and told her that he hadn't eaten in 3 days. She just looked at him and said, "I wish I had your willpower."
Nor Cal Mikie
Active member
The Engineer in Hell.
An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls and asks Satan,
"So, how are things going down there?”
Satan says, why, things are going great. We've now got air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this Engineer is going to come up with next.”
God is horrified. "What? You've got an Engineer? That's clearly a mistake – he should never have gone down there! You know all Engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here immediately!
"Satan says, "No way, I really like having an Engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him.”
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue you.”
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a Lawyer?"
An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls and asks Satan,
"So, how are things going down there?”
Satan says, why, things are going great. We've now got air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this Engineer is going to come up with next.”
God is horrified. "What? You've got an Engineer? That's clearly a mistake – he should never have gone down there! You know all Engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here immediately!
"Satan says, "No way, I really like having an Engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him.”
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue you.”
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a Lawyer?"
antelopedundee
internet bum
Did you hear about the King who was trapped on deserted island with his court jester?
Within a week he was at his wit's end.
Within a week he was at his wit's end.
..and that's how the fight started.
..AND THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED.
Last Christmas, my buddy bought his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a gift...
The next year, he didn't buy her a present.
When she asked why,
he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
...and that's how the fight started.
..AND THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED.
Last Christmas, my buddy bought his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a gift...
The next year, he didn't buy her a present.
When she asked why,
he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
...and that's how the fight started.
Nor Cal Mikie
Active member
Missing Ex Wife
The day after his ex-wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Twillingate, Newfoundland man answered his door to find two grim-faced RCMP officers.
"We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your ex-wife," said one of the officers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Cedric Flynn asked.
The troopers looked at each other.
One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
The RCMP officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found
your ex-wife's body in the bay."
"Lord sufferin' Jesus!" exclaimed Flynn.
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"
The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
The day after his ex-wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Twillingate, Newfoundland man answered his door to find two grim-faced RCMP officers.
"We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your ex-wife," said one of the officers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Cedric Flynn asked.
The troopers looked at each other.
One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
The RCMP officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found
your ex-wife's body in the bay."
"Lord sufferin' Jesus!" exclaimed Flynn.
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"
The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
SamuelReg77
New member
the funniest thread I've ever come across!
Nor Cal Mikie
Active member
The way the world is going, life is too short NOT to laugh!! Keep smiling, folks will think you're up to something. Keep them guessing.
Waiting in a bank
I was waiting in a bank queue today for over 10 minutes (Not my bank btw, just depositing funds). Just two teller stations, one teller serving a difficult customer and the other one playing with her computer. When I finally reached the lovely young lady handling the long queue she smiled and said "Sorry about the wait"
My reply was "No wurries, you'll probably lose a few kilo's with a bit of exercise"
Well I was a bit cranky about the lack of service! Given all that she still managed a smile.
* doghunter *
I was waiting in a bank queue today for over 10 minutes (Not my bank btw, just depositing funds). Just two teller stations, one teller serving a difficult customer and the other one playing with her computer. When I finally reached the lovely young lady handling the long queue she smiled and said "Sorry about the wait"
My reply was "No wurries, you'll probably lose a few kilo's with a bit of exercise"
Well I was a bit cranky about the lack of service! Given all that she still managed a smile.
* doghunter *
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. Then I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s... out of all of you!'"
St. Peter was impressed and asked, "When did this happen?"
"Couple of minutes ago."
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. Then I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s... out of all of you!'"
St. Peter was impressed and asked, "When did this happen?"
"Couple of minutes ago."
the parachute club
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me AGAIN, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
"Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked. Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellows. I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club. She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 84-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her. She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I said. "I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"
The line went dead.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun!
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me AGAIN, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
"Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked. Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellows. I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club. She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 84-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her. She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I said. "I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"
The line went dead.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun!
Lawrence W.
New member
One sunny day in May 2018, an old man approaches the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He speaks to the U.S. Marine standing guard and says, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”
The Marine looks at the man and says, “Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here. ”The old man says, “Okay,” and walks away.
The following day the same man approaches the White House and says to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”
The Marine again tells the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here.” The man thanks him and again just walks away.
The third day the same man approaches the White House and speaks to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looks at the man and says, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I’ve told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”
The old man looks at the Marine and says, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”
The Marine snaps to attention, salutes, and says, “See you tomorrow, Sir!”
The Marine looks at the man and says, “Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here. ”The old man says, “Okay,” and walks away.
The following day the same man approaches the White House and says to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”
The Marine again tells the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer President and no longer resides here.” The man thanks him and again just walks away.
The third day the same man approaches the White House and speaks to the very same U.S. Marine, saying, “I would like to go in and meet with President Obama.”
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looks at the man and says, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I’ve told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”
The old man looks at the Marine and says, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”
The Marine snaps to attention, salutes, and says, “See you tomorrow, Sir!”
Redneck haiku
Some a' you's higher-brow readers might like this....
BEAUTY
Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps
REMORSE
A painful sadness
Can't fit big screen TV through
Double wide's front door
OPTIONS
Unemployment's out.
Hey, maybe I can get on
Disability
MOTHER AND CHILD
Crusted in boogers,
Stained with Kool Aid, baby’s face
Only Mama loves
BLAZE
Distant siren screams
Dumb ass Verne's been playing with
Gasoline again
A NEW MOON
Flashlights pierce darkness
No nightcrawlers to be found
Guess we'll gig some frogs
EXUBERANCE
Joyous, playful, bright
Trailer park girl rolls in puddle
Of old motor oil
ALONE
Seeking solitude
Carl's ex wife Tammy files for
Restraining order
DESIRE
Damn, in that tube top
You make me almost forget
That you’re my cousin
HATRED
I curse the rainbow
Emblazoned upon his hood
Gall dern Jeff Gordon
OFFERINGS
Tonight we hunger
Grandma sent grocery money
To Robert Tilton
DRAMA
Set the VCR
Dukes of Hazzard Marathon
Starts at 9 O'Clock
DEPRIVED
In WalMart toy aisle
Wailing boy wants wrestling doll
Mama whups his ass
NO SIGNAL
White noise, buzzing static
Call Earl; satellite dish
Needs new descrambler
IMPOUNDED
Sixty five dollars
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino
GATHERING
In early morning mist
Mama searches Circle K for
Moon Pies and Red Man
PRIDE
Grinning, he displays
Over nine hundred beer cans
Filling pickup bed
Some a' you's higher-brow readers might like this....
BEAUTY
Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps
REMORSE
A painful sadness
Can't fit big screen TV through
Double wide's front door
OPTIONS
Unemployment's out.
Hey, maybe I can get on
Disability
MOTHER AND CHILD
Crusted in boogers,
Stained with Kool Aid, baby’s face
Only Mama loves
BLAZE
Distant siren screams
Dumb ass Verne's been playing with
Gasoline again
A NEW MOON
Flashlights pierce darkness
No nightcrawlers to be found
Guess we'll gig some frogs
EXUBERANCE
Joyous, playful, bright
Trailer park girl rolls in puddle
Of old motor oil
ALONE
Seeking solitude
Carl's ex wife Tammy files for
Restraining order
DESIRE
Damn, in that tube top
You make me almost forget
That you’re my cousin
HATRED
I curse the rainbow
Emblazoned upon his hood
Gall dern Jeff Gordon
OFFERINGS
Tonight we hunger
Grandma sent grocery money
To Robert Tilton
DRAMA
Set the VCR
Dukes of Hazzard Marathon
Starts at 9 O'Clock
DEPRIVED
In WalMart toy aisle
Wailing boy wants wrestling doll
Mama whups his ass
NO SIGNAL
White noise, buzzing static
Call Earl; satellite dish
Needs new descrambler
IMPOUNDED
Sixty five dollars
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino
GATHERING
In early morning mist
Mama searches Circle K for
Moon Pies and Red Man
PRIDE
Grinning, he displays
Over nine hundred beer cans
Filling pickup bed