we need a humor forum.....until then

So,this guy has boarded his flight, waiting for the rest of the plane to load, notices this absolute knockout gal gets on…..heading for his row…low and behold sits down right next to him.
As the loading continues he casually inquires what brings her to travel today?
Well, I’m headed to Philly to the national nymphomaniacs convention as a guest speaker, speaking about my personal experiences.
Really, the guy says, somewhat bewildered.
For instance, she states, most consider African American men the most substantially endowed, In my experience, it is Native Americans, men with the best endurance……Mexicans, and actually the best lovers in the country…..Southern rednecks.
Good gosh I’m telling you all this, I don’t even know your name, sticking out her hand. I’m Lindsay, and you?
Sticking his hand out, he causally reponds……..Tonto…..Tonto Gonzales……but my friends call me Bubba.
 
A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Anne!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for five years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the great cathedral.”

Anne thanks him, and after chatting a little longer, they part ways.

Five years later, the priest is eating dinner when there’s a knock at his door. He opens it, and to his surprise, it’s Anne.

“I’m so glad I found you!” She exclaims. “Remember that candle you lit for me, years ago? Well, my husband and I now have a set of twins and a set of triplets — and I just found out I’m pregnant again!”

She then hands the priest an all-expenses paid ticket to Rome.

“Oh Annie!” Says the priest. “Your joy is my joy. You didn’t need to give me a thank-you gift.”

“Oh no, it’s not a thank you,” says Anne......... “It’s so you can blow out that damn candle!”
 
A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big, and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription!"
 
The Nagging Wife

The Nagging Wife

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning 'til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He plowed a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something
rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'
 
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (written by kids)

1. You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all the way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.. -- Camille, age 10

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure?)

- On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7 (Love her)

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone and they don't complain, start groping and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. Howard, age 8

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is.......
9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. -- Ricky, age 9
 
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You don't have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.....



A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery...



He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."



The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
 
LoL. I shall save that one for the next time that I visit the elderly club members where I do volunteer work. They love a good joke!

* doggie *
 
put them kids in detention, get them off the streets......they're not wearing masks.....whaddaya' wanna' do, turn All Hallow's Eve into a Super Spreader Event???
 
And the other holidays are coming so to get into the spirit this picture hangs over the washup sink in my shop....


pipes.jpg
 
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