we need a humor forum.....until then

3 engineers; an automotive engineer, an electrical engineer and a Microsoft engineer went out for lunch. When they got back to their car it wouldn't start. The automotive engineer looked it all over, but couldn't find the problem. Same for the electrical engineer. The Microsoft engineer got in, rolled down the driver's side window; rolled it back up and presto the car started.
 
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
 
The claim is that this is true..... cute in any case ;)

Charlotte , North Carolina .

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars ,the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued - and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.


Justice is served and this true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.
 
Lvk2LG1.jpg
 
When a statistician passes the airport security check, they discover a bomb in his bag.

He explains. "Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. However, the chance that there are two bombs at one plane is 1/1000000. So, I am much safer..."
 
OR, the shooting version....

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go hunting.
They come upon a deer and the physicist takes a shot that misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist then takes a shot that misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician declares, "We got him!!"
 
But back to the '1' jokes.......

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting on a bench across from a house. They watch as two people go into the house, and then a little later, three people walk out.

The physicist says, "The initial measurement was incorrect."

The biologist says, "They must have reproduced."

And the mathematician says, "If exactly one person enters that house, it will be empty."
 
1) What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?
2) What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
3) What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?
4) What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?
5) What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands?
6) What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?
7) What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?



ANSWERS:
1. (talk)
2. (legs)
3. (a twenty dollar bill)
4. (firetruck)
5. (fork)
6. (Almond Joy candy bar)
7. (last name)




just wasn't your day... was it?
 
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."
 
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class section of an airplane.



The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading.



A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.



A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.



Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?' 'I am sorry if I disturbed you,



I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm. ' The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'



The woman nodded. 'Pepper.'
 
Guy goes into a diner and sees the special of the day is chili.
Waitress comes up and asks what he'd like and he says, I'll take a bowl of that chili. Waitress apologizes and says we sold out, that guy, pointing next to him, got the last bowl. The guy says okay that's fine I'll have a Dr pepper for now.
He looks at the guy who isn't touching the chili and asks if he can have it. The guy says absolutely and slides it over across the bar.
The man is digging in just loving the chili and gets about half way, sees a dead rat and pukes it back into the bowl.
The guy who gave it to him says, that's as far as i got, too.
 
Mrs. BB and I watched the movie Indecent Proposal last night
Afterwards, I asked her if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for $1,000,000. She said, "Sure, but where am I gonna get that kind of money?"
 
antelopedundee said:
Guy goes into a diner and sees the special of the day is chili.
Waitress comes up and asks what he'd like and he says, I'll take a bowl of that chili. Waitress apologizes and says we sold out, that guy, pointing next to him, got the last bowl. The guy says okay that's fine I'll have a Dr pepper for now.
He looks at the guy who isn't touching the chili and asks if he can have it. The guy says absolutely and slides it over across the bar.
The man is digging in just loving the chili and gets about half way, sees a dead rat and pukes it back into the bowl.
The guy who gave it to him says, that's as far as i got, too.
Click to expand...

Minds me of this old Justin Wilson bit.....



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOUjZC9GCGA
 
Manthink...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Busch Gardens theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you #@*#*! Idiot!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is likely gonna get it all wrong.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top