we need a humor forum.....until then

Country Tour.

Nancy Pelosi called Adam Schiff into her office one day recently and said, "Adam, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2020!"
"Great Nancy, but how?" asked Adam.
"We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."
So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman, Montana.
With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Adam Schoff and Nancy Pelosi?"
"Yes we are!" said Nancy, "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Adam suggested we stop and take in some local opinions ."
They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.
A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the
Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.
For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.
Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"
Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two ass holes!"
 
Trump finally breaks down and visits a remote indian rez. With news crews following him around as they tour the place, the potus asks the chief if there was anything the people need.


"Well," says the chief, "We have three very important needs. First, we have a medical clinic, but no doctor."

Trump whips out his phone, dials a number, talks to somebody for two minutes and then hangs up. "I've pulled some strings. Your doctor will arrive in a few days. Now what was the second problem?"

"We have no way to get clean water. The local mining operation has poisoned the water our people been drinking for thousands of years. We've been flying bottled water in, and it's terribly expensive."

Once again, Trump dials a number, yells into the phone for a few minutes, and then hangs up. "The mine has been shut down, and the owner is being billed for setting up a purification plant for your people. Now what was that third problem?"

"We have no cellphone reception up here," the chief says.
 
A woman is sitting at her husband’s funeral. A man leans in and asks her, “Do you mind if I say a word?”

“No, go right ahead,” the widow replies.

The man stands, clears his throat and says, “Plethora” and then sits back down.

“Thank you,” the woman says, “that means a lot to me”
 
antelopedundee said:
A woman is sitting at her husband’s funeral. A man leans in and asks her, “Do you mind if I say a word?”

“No, go right ahead,” the widow replies.

The man stands, clears his throat and says, “Plethora” and then sits back down.

“Thank you,” the woman says, “that means a lot to me”
Click to expand...

You got me! :cool:


beayoootiful
 
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.

If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,

"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout and, as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Good-bye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"That can't be right... I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
 
Jack finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.
One evening, after their honeymoon, he was working on his motorcycle in the garage, just for fun.
His new wife was standing there at the workbench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally spoke:
"Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should also consider selling your motorcycle along with your gun collection and all that stupid fishing gear."
Jack got a strange quizzical look on his face.
She asked, "Darling, what's wrong?"
He replied, “For a minute there you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
Jack replied: "I wasn't."
 
An assistant to Nancy Pelosi told her she had a fantastic dream last night.

There was a humongous parade in Washington celebrating Pelosi. Millions lined the parade route, cheering when Nancy went past. Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere. It was the biggest celebration Washington had ever seen.

Nancy was very impressed and said, "That's really great! By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?"

Her assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed."
 
rsmithsr said:
An assistant to Nancy Pelosi told her she had a fantastic dream last night.

There was a humongous parade in Washington celebrating Pelosi. Millions lined the parade route, cheering when Nancy went past. Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere. It was the biggest celebration Washington had ever seen.

Nancy was very impressed and said, "That's really great! By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?"

Her assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed."
Click to expand...

Wish List?
 
Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with queenly large breasts.
Nick, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.
Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 100 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.
Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next two hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by both the King & Queen as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 100 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.
The King immediately summoned Nick...

The moral of the story – “Pay your bills.”
 
A farmer drove to a neighbors farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant!!"

The boy thought for a moment... "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
 
the power of prayer

The lady in the pew next to me was saying a prayer.



It was so innocent and sincere that I just had to share it with you:



"Dear Lord: The last four or five years have been very tough.

You have taken my favorite actor - Paul Newman;

My favorite actress - Elizabeth Taylor;

My favorite singer - Andy Williams;

My favorite author - Tom Clancy;

And now, my favorite comedians - Robin Williams and Joan Rivers.



I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are:



Adam Schiff, Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer , Maxine Waters, Elizabeth Warren, Joe (touchy) Biden and Bernie Sanders, and I also have a special place in my heart for George Soros, Jessie Jackson, Al Sharpton and Chicago's mayor, Rahm Emanuel and my favorite shoe salesman Colin Kaepernick.

Amen"
 
the well dressed cowboy

The Cowboy







A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly..
"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.
 
Wilbur!!!

Hey Wilbur, if this is over the line please take it down BUT IT MADE ME LAFF!




A girl from Texas and a girl from the west coast were seated side by side on an airplane.

The girl from Texas, being friendly and all said, "So, where ya from?"

The west coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from Texas, sat quietly for a few moments and then replied:

"So, where ya from.... B****?"
 
Chinese Curio Shop

A Tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?”



"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.
The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story.”
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.
A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay.

Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.



Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.

"Ahhh," said the owner, "You come back for story?”

"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat.”

I bet you didn't see that one coming !
 
Al, There is nothing wrong with this post of yours.

alinwa said:
A girl from Texas and a girl from the west coast were seated side by side on an airplane.

The girl from Texas, being friendly and all said, "So, where ya from?"

The west coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from Texas, sat quietly for a few moments and then replied:

"So, where ya from.... B****?"
Click to expand...

Yes, our women are friendly but they do make their point!

A Texan never asks a person if they are from Texas. If they are they will tell you soon enough.
 
Lost Goat

Two hunters are walking along the edge of a field. One says “Hey, watch out for that hole.” The other says “Man, you’re right. That thing looks deep. Let’s throw something down it and see how deep it is.” They look around but there’s no rocks or nothin’ – just an old rusty anvil. They toss it down the hole and listen….. Nothin’. Then they hear hoof beats and they turn around and here comes a goat, running about 80 miles an hour, and it falls right down the hole.

They stand there wonderin’ WTF just happened when along comes a farmer hollerin’ “Betsy, here “Betsy.” He gets closer and says “Say, have you seen a goat around here?” “Sure,” says one hunter. It just ran up at about a hundred miles an hour and jumped right down that hole there.”

“That’s impossible,” says the farmer. “I had it tied to an anvil.”
 
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