we need a humor forum.....until then

The Wall

The wall should be made out of Russian collusion. Lots of people don't seem to be able to get over it.
 
POPULATION CONTROL

After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.

‘The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.

''Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
"1"
"2"
"3"
“4"
"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, and West Virginia.
 
Last edited:
A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. I don't get it at my house, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The husband, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife.

A few moments later, a second text came in:


"dang auto-correct. I meant "wifi" not "wife."
 
antelopedundee said:
POPULATION CONTROL

After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.

‘The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.

''Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
"1"
"2"
"3"
“4"
"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, and West Virginia.
Click to expand...

Probably wouldn't work in Iowa, they can't count that high.
 
A dad walks into a market with his young son.The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurriedly, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman pulls the boy's pants down, carefully takes hold of his testicles, and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly!

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her profusely, saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," she says, "Divorce attorney."
 
How do you sleep at night knowing people don't like you?

Usually with no underwear so they can kiss my ass....
 
Getting The Story Straight.....................

When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.

A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."

The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon.

"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, "Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog."

"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."

"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read, "Yankee Kills Family Pet."
 
OKAY!!!


So this is wikkid frickin long. And will only appeal to a small percentage of the population!

But I liked it,

And I got a computer, so;





Rules Of The Blues


Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."
.

"I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
.

The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
.

The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.


Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillac's and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvo s, BMW's, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and company motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
.

Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
.

Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
.

A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chompin' on it is.


You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.


Good places for the Blues:

a. Highway

b. Jailhouse

c. An empty bed

d. Bottom of a whiskey glass
.

Bad places for the Blues:


a. Nordstrom's

b. Gallery openings

c. Ivy league institutions

d. Golf courses


No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.


You have the right to sing the Blues if:

a. You older than dirt

b. You blind

c. You shot a man in Memphis

d. You can't be satisfied


You don't have the right to sing the Blues if:

a. You have all your teeth

b. You were once blind but now can see

c. The man in Memphis lived

d. You have a pension fund

Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues


Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

a. Cheap wine

b. Whiskey or bourbon

c. Muddy water

d. Nasty black coffee


The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. Perrier

b. Chardonnay

c. Snapple

d. Slim Fast

If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broke-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie

b. Big Mama

c. Bessie

d. Fat River Dumpling

Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe

b. Willie

c. Little Willie

d. Big Willie

Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
.

I don't care how tragic your life: if you own even one computer, you cannot sing the blues.
 
dmort said:
I guess I'm a 10 percenter.

Mort
Click to expand...

LOL!

I collect and listen to a lot of "classic" music. I'll bet random people 10bucks they can't come up with a pre-1980's song I don't have with me, on my phone.

But IF YOU'RE GOING TO WIN MY MONEY...... come up with a Blues song. I just have never had The Blues :)




I GET the blues, have had a lotta' friends with the blues, I just don't FEEL the blues cuz I'm one of them dratted Happy Happy Happy conservative Bible huggin' gun-clingin' lovin' my Mama fools




Speakin' of back-in-the-day, this is the first riddle/joke I remember. Wouldn't be PC today I guess

"A Big Moron and a Little Moron were sitting on a bridge"

The Big Moron fell off"

"Why didn't the Little Moron?"




ummmm







cuz he was a little more on......
 
Morons

That was so corney I had to laff.

I have a lot of blues records from the fifties..Eric Clapton does a good job when he plays a blues song.... Check out his"Unplugged" CD.

Mort
 
I can't remember if this has been posted before :)

A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence to collect the bird, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer replied, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field. Now I'm going in to retrieve it."

The old farmer looked the lawyer in the eyes and stated firmly, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The lawyer huffed angrily, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country. If you don't let me get my duck, I'll sue you."

The old farmer smiled. "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the Tennessee Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What's the Tennessee Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer answered, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick to the shin had the lawyer hopping around on one foot when suddenly the farmer planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to pass out.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
 
dmort said:
..Eric Clapton does a good job when he plays a blues song.... Check out his"Unplugged" CD.

Mort
Click to expand...


OK..... he'p a brother out here. I Do So Love Me Some Slow-Hand, and that's great stuff, that articulated un-amplified series of sets really show off his skills,

BUT!!!!

Since when is Clapton considered "blues?" His album 'Blues' is (was?) called "Blues Rock" I guess but is he really BLUES??? Just wondering.

Pretty, pretty, pretty stuff most of it...... I think I've got 7-8 different artists' renditions of 'Tears In Heaven' for instance..... but in my guts I guess I've never known it was blues!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top