we need a humor forum.....until then

best lovers

> A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a spectacular gorgeous woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. As if his prayers were answered, she took the seat right beside his.
>
> Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
>
> She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. The Annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago."
>
> He swallowed hard. Here was this most beautiful woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
>
> "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
>
> "Really," he said. "What myths are those?"
>
> "Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
> Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."
>
> Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
>
> "It's Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba!"
 
Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower - Mongrel, Coot and Bluey .
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.
Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer. Bluey says,
'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead, and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..'
Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.
 
Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

When I was CSM (Company Sergeant Major) at an Australian Army training school the Major told me that private Smith's Father had died and asked me to break the news to him.

On the next parade I said "Private Smith, your father died yesterday". Private Smith then fainted.

A few days later the Major told me that private Jones' mother had died and asked me to break the news to him, but to be a bit more sensitive about how I told him.

So next parade I said "All those with mothers take one pace forward".

Then................

"Private Jones, where are you going?"
 
Tampons

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
 
A Total Guy Joke

True Friends ~ A Total Guy Joke








After enjoying a day of golf, a guy brings his golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen table, open mouthed, listening to her tirade.





"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess and the dishes are still in the sink. I’m completely exhausted! I didn’t get enough sleep last night. Can't you see I'm still in my pajamas? I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!



So why the xxxx did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid a-hole!?”





“Because he’s thinking of getting married……….."
 
Little Johnny to teacher.

"Miss, can I get in get in trouble for something that I didn't do ?"

Teacher.

"Certainly not Johnny"

Johnny.

"That's great, because I didn't do my homework"
 
The Hairdresser and The Trip

A woman was at her NY hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Taste.”

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.”

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. ”You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.”

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and we had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on us hand and foot..

And the Taste hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!”

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.”

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet us.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..”

"Oh, really! What'd he say?”

He said: "Who F’ed up your hair?"
 
Four old retired guys.

Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma , Arizona . They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."
They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.
In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying,"That's 40 cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida . They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price.
 
A&M calls Obama 5th Best President in America!

A Texas A&M Study Calls Obama 5th Best President in America , thorough research work by a fine institution. From a total of 45 US Presidents, Obama is rated as 5th best. The A&M Public Relations Office released this statement: "After 8 years in office, Americans have rated President Obama the 5th best President ever." These are the details according to Texas A&M:


1. Reagan, Lincoln and Trump tied for first,


2. Twenty three presidents tied for second,


3. Seventeen presidents tied for third,


4. Jimmy Carter rated fourth,


5. Obama came in fifth.
 
Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a retirement community.
They met in the social center and discovered over time that they
enjoyed each other's company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight,she accepted.

They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic
restaurant in town. And despite his age, Claude ! was still a
charmer. Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for anafter-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and, age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a mos enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been
more gentle."

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have
taken off my pantyhose."
 
need wilbur to proof read

The police department in the small hill country town of Kerrville, Texas, reported finding a man's body last Saturday, in the early evening, in the Pedernales River near the state highway-87 bridge. The dead man's name would not be released until his family had been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in Fredericksburg. When he was found, he was wearing black fishnet stockings, 10-inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids, 2 1/2-inch false eyelashes, and a Biden T-shirt.

The police removed the Biden T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

The Police do care.
 
another for wilbur to review

BEST LITTLE JOHNNY JOKE EVER!!! ???????
Little Johnny meets Nancy Pelosi
Nancy Pelosi was visiting a primary school in Tampa and visited a grade four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mrs. Pelosi if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious Democrat asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Pelosi , "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained Pelosi .
"That's what we would call great loss."
The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Pelosi searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Pelosi , "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss ... and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!"
The teacher left the room
 
The last two jokes made my day....just wish I could laff a little more.

Somewhere there is a ceiling for intelligence ....there is no bottom for stupidity....that's no joke.

Mort
 
New NFL team.

So, due to a severe drop in ratings, the NFL has decided that one team will have to be cut from the league.
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Green Bay Packers will be merged into one team.
They will be called the TAMPACKS. They will be good for one period and have no second string.
 
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with and keep him occupied. Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping his back. The boy coughs up two nickels but keeps hacking. Looking at his son, the father panics, and starts shouting for help.



At the bar there’s a well dressed, attractive, serious looking woman in a blue business suit reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter. She gets up from her seat and makes her way across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist; gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel.



Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.



As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her. "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. That was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"



"No," the woman replies, a “Divorce Attorney."
 
The Priest and the Preacher

The priest and preacher were driving down the road and hit a rabbit. They got out of the car, and the priest knelt beside the rabbit, removed a small vial of clear liquid from his vestment, and splashed some onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumped up and ran into the bush. The Preacher said, "Father, I always doubted the power of Holy Water, but you have convinced me". The Priest said "Reverend, that wasn't Holy Water, it was hare restorer.
 
For the last time....

In response to all the recent e-mails about our dog


i am sick and tired of answering questions about him,

so here are all of the answers in one recap.

Yes, he bit 6 people wearing biden t-shirts...

4 people wearing kamala harris t-shirts...

2 car drivers with bernie sanders bumper stickers...

9 teenagers with pants hanging past their butt crack.

And 2 american flag burners...

So for the last time


the dog is not for sale!

And no, i do not approve of his smoking,

but he says it helps get the "bad taste" out of his mouth.
 
Biden at the Bank

Joe Biden walks into a bank to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Biden: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Joe Biden, the former Vice President of the United States of America !!!!"

Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the banking legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.

Biden: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr. Biden, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Biden: "My goodness. I am urging you, please, to cash this check."

Cashier: "Look Mr. Biden, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.

Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made afabulous shot; the tennis ball landed in my coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check.

So, Mr. Biden, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"

Biden stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank, I have absolutely no idea what to do, I don't have a clue."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. Biden?
 
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