we need a humor forum.....until then

njQa6u6.jpg
 
I can not shop at Costco anymore :)))))Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.What did she think I had an elephant?So because I'm retired and have little to do,on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me,
 
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight. The flight attendant asked passenger John, "Would you like dinner?"
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket. He opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A woman was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
As the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window, the policeman ‍got out of his vehicle. As he approached the driver, the cop said, "I've been waiting for you all day."
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way with a warning, but no ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he could slow down, the bridge was right in front of him and his truck got wedged under it. Cars were backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car showed up. The cop got out of his car, walked over to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver responded, "No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas."

#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness or a death in your immediate family. But that's it -- no other excuses whatsoever!"
Of course, there was a smart-ass student in the back of the room who raised his hand. He asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
 
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those." 😂😂
 
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star."

Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."


The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to

change your name.

I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old. I will not disrespect my

grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years.. you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with

a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be

able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter

and a check for $50,000.

The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed:

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told

me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.

You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your

office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too

much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it

without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for

your advice. Sincerely, Dick van Dyke.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top