A guy a while back had him one a' them potbellied piggies...... problem was he lived in a 10th story apartment in the older section of the city, 'No Pets Allowed." One of his neighbors turned him in, Animal Control showed up with the landlord, gave him 2wks and goodbye piggie.....
He loved his pig.
He called his friends, he put it in the paper, he put it on Craigslist, he tried the vet and the Farmers Market and the local Yard-n-Garden stores and finally called the pound. No dice. Best offer, $200.00 to euthanize his pet.....
He called a butcher. Might as well salvage something from the dilemma.
Nope.
200 bucks and no meat??
hmmmm
Well, he ain't GOT no 200 bucks to euthanize his buddy and they won't give him the meat anyway, so he figures.....how hard can it be? (all of you who've butchered pigs know where this is going) So he goes to the library and finds a book on how to butcher a pig. OOOHHH Yeahhh, it's all in there. First line is simple, dispatch the animal, or if you want really prime meat knock it out with a pneumatic knocker and slit it's throat while it's alive so it bleeds out better.... but this can be messy. Hmmmmm........ well, he'll do the knocking out part, then decide. Big wakkk with a baseball bat and maybe a garbage bag over the head?? Dunno as how he can cut the throat.. .........He figures once the poor beast is out he can cross that bridge. He'll be ready either way. He's a Big City Boy, he can think on his feet.
He's a planner.
Meticulous.
Single, in the city.
Yeahh, he's a planner.
He fills his bathtub with boiling water,
he covers his apartment floor with 6mil visqueen,
(piggie doesn't like the plastic and goes off to putter in the kitchen)
he stacks up every towel and bowl and pan and pot he has on the kitchen table,
gets out the biggest kitchen knife and sets it close to hand, (gotta' bleed 'im out quick they all say)
And sets down to bid adieu to his best friend.
Riddles (pig's name is Riddles) has been his constant companion for almost two years. They're close. So he sets out his bedding box, wenches a cinder block from out the bookcase and puts a nice pillow out for his chinny-chin-chin. Then he carries Riddles in to his wee beddie-bye and sets down to share their f'rav'rite snack. Soon his baby is snoring gently, chin on the block just like the plan.
Time for the coup,
then the de gras as fits the occasion.
Baseball bat, he'll BANG him, then check for a pulse and "dispatch" him whilst he's inert. He kinda' hopes he's dead from the hit, that way the decision is made for him.
hoooooohhhhh.....
Well,
it's gotta be done!
WhaBAMMM!!!
!!!!!!!!
There's cinderblock everywhere, the beddie-bye-box is in the fireplace, everything in the room is converging on piggie who's RUNNING flatout but on his side spinning like a disoriented dervish and making a GAWdawful GOINGKGOINGOINGK chuffling noise......
WhaBAMMMM!!!!!!
WROONKKKKK!!!
ooops, that's his belly not his head
BaaaWHAMMMM!!!WHAMMWHAMMMMmmmmm
"hey, he's stopped spinning! Now he's on his belly looking right at me...... he must be stunned"
KuuhhRAKKKK! Top of the headbone.......
"WHEWWW!! his eyes went shut!! He MUST be out cold......"
"Now What?"
"guess I better just cut him big and be done, this just ain't nice at all and if I try to put a garbage bag over his head he'll probably wake up....and my aluminum bat is BENT!"
"Here we go boy, I'll just set down on your back and pull your head up and one quick slice righ"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
reeeee, reeeee, reeeee
WWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
The room stops spinning finally, only because Riddles is completely wound up in the visqueen...... the plastic is still rolling around wildly but at least the blood is no longer being flung about in gobbets, it's just blotting about now as the wad rolls.....and the noise is abated a little, muffled at least.
But someone's banging on the door.....
"Go Away!"
"BUT WHAT THE HE..."
"GO AWAY PLEASE!!!" I'm OK, my pi-KID just fell off the couch and .... hey! there's an idea.... I'll put the couch on top of the pile and hold him down until he bleeds out!"
"We're calling the cops!"
"Ohh, just go away...."
"We warned you!"
"awww shuddup"
ceasure....
So now the sofa is on the pig, the guy is on the sofa, and the whole surreal scene pauses....
for a minute...
Riddles is bleeding quietly but it's obvious he's not going to be bled out in time to clean up the apartment before the police knock on the door.....something's got to be done. If he can just get rid of the pig and swab things down a bit.... there's blood on the CEILING fer cryin' the blues......
uuuupppp with the sofa.....
"gooood little piggie-piggie"
"now if I just creep over here and open this window, it's ten stories down to the alley....."
Dude GRABS a hind le....RREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEe
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeee
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEe
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
eeeeeeeeethump....
He leans out the window..........and there's piggie dragging out the alley toward the street.
nonononoNOO!!!
KICKS over the bookshelves, grabs up a cinder block and tries for a crushing blow. 10ft off. AIN'T gonna happen!
Grabs another cinder block and downaroundaroundaround and down the stairs ten stories and around to the alley JUST in time to meet piggie....and thankfully head him back into the alley. So they're scurrying around in the alley and he finally gets in another glancing blowEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
"Hey buddy, you moiderin' someone down 'ere?"
"keep i' down"
'Hey me'n 'e ol' lady 'er tryin'a' get some time here..."
panic....
EEEEEEEEEE!!!!
He finally gets the pig collared up behind a couple dumpsters and stacks some more stuff up..... he ain't going nowhere soon.
But he also ain't dead.....
He's got a 32 pistol up in the bedroom. SOMEthing's gotta' be done quick! So back up the stairs aHUP-a HUP-a hup a hup aa ten stories... and back down.....
Of course piggy's pacing like a lioness by now, around and about the dumpsters, doesn't even seem bothered anymore by the cut on the neck and picking up speed despite a gimp leg and belly dragging.... "aim".... "acquire" ... "fi.." ......"aim"....."aim" ..... krak
krak krak
kraWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
According to the way I heard it it was a relief to hear sirens. First thing the guy said before they booked him was "what took ya's so long!!! I musta' spent 3-4 hours with that screaming rodent!!"
He mighta' been better off with a hamster......
al