a good blond joke

J

Jhart

Guest
THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?' To which she replied, 'There certainly is!' (Are you ready? This is a beauty...) ' My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'
 
Another Blonde Joke

A blonde boards a plane headed for Toronto, Having an economy class
seat, she finds her seat. After getting airborn, she gets up and now
finds a seat in 1st class. The flight attendant seeing this, says" Mam,
you have an economy ticket and you must sit there". "Nope" replies
the blond, "I'm Blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm going to Toronto." " well"
replies the flight attendant," I'll have to report this to the co-pilot".
The co-pilot speaking to the blonde,"Mam, you must sit in the economy
seat , which is what your ticket it for" "No, replies the blonde, I'm
Blonde, beautiful and I'm going to Toronto". "Mam" says the co-pilot," I'll
have to report this to the pilot" The co-pilot speaking to the pilot, says
"This Blonde woman, refuses to return to her seat in the economy
section." Pilot says," my wife is blonde, I can handle this" . He whispers
to the blonde, and she promptly returns to the economy seat. "My lord",
says the flight attendant,"what did you say to her." The pilot answers,
" I told her 1st class wasn't stopping in Toronto"
 
Yet another blond joke

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day when the door
bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the
bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their
order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the
glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days,
51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the
chanting grows."51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising
the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She
walks over to the table. sets the picture in the middle and the
table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the
table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51
days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks
over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed
child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster.

When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of
the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture pipes up, "Everyone thinks
that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us, So, we decided to set
the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and
put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it
together in 51 days!"
 
Not a true blonde joke, but funny

This fellow is sitting on a jet and the passengers are still boarding. To his surprise, in walks a knock dead gorgeous blonde and takes the seat right beside him.

He summons his courage up and asks the question: 'are you travelling on business or pleasure'.

She replies: 'I'm travelling on business. You see I'm the key note speaker at The International Nymphomaniac Symposium in Reno.'

He almost swallows his tongue at that last sentence and manages to say: 'That sounds interesting, what are you going to talk about?'

She replies: ' My speech will be entitled, Common Myths Exposed'.

He pries a little more by asking: 'What myths?'

She relies: 'Well the first myth is that African American males are the most endowed among races. In reality, the Native American holds this title. The second myth is that French men make the greatest lovers, when it is actually the Jewish male who makes the greatest lover. The third myth is that rednecks have no staying power when in reality, the urban southern male has the greatest stamina'.

She realizes she has said more than she should to a complete stranger, begins to blush and says: 'Excuse me, we haven't even introduced ourselves, and here I am rambling on about experiences I've encountered with a complete stranger'.

He replies: 'My name is Tanto; Tanto Goldstein. My friends all call be Bubba'.

Lou Baccino
 
Last edited by a moderator:
A college blonde was going around a nice neighborhood looking for odds and ends jobs to make a little extra money.

She comes to this one house, knocks on the door and asks the man if there were any odd jobs she could do. The man says: "Well, the wife and I have been meaning to have the porch painted. Would you mind doing that for 150.00. It should take about 3-4 hours." The blonde says: "I can do that". Well the man tells here that the paint is in the garage but probably only enough for one good coat."

About an hour and a half later, there is a knock on the door and there was the blonde with a little paint on her and she says: " Well sir, I'm done and there was plenty of paint for two coats". The man being surpised and impressed at the speed she got the job done said:"Here is you money and an extra fifty for the speedy job". The blonde smiled and took the money and turned to walk away, then turns back toward the man and says: " Oh, by the way, that's not a porch, it's a Mercedes".


Hovis
 
And another

A blonde went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk. The
clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk.

"I have a skin problem and the doctor prescribed a milk bath." The clerk
asked, "Pasteurized?"

"No," replied the blonde, "just up to my chin."
 
Two More

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed
listening to the next door neighbor's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed
and her husband says "The dog is still barking,
what have you been doing?"

The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard,
let's see how THEY like it!

************************

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that
my mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the
day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and
I have the best chance of doing that here.'

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of
hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out
from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.

'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my
sister. Her mother died, too! ..
 
not a blond joke but very funny

Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?""Yes, What can I do for you?" "I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith.... He's hidin'marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.""Thank you very much for the call, sir."The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. Theysearch the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house."Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd.... Did the Sheriff come?""Yeah!""Did they chop your firewood?""Yep!""Happy Birthday, buddy!"(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun.)lol
 
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted & the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady & rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try & throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup & she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again & again As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when........

The Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
 
An OLD, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The OLD blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
 
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and he stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a blonde stands on her chair and says:

"I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, Asshole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community and from reaching my full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
 
Swamp Fox said:
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and he stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a blonde stands on her chair and says:

"I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, Asshole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community and from reaching my full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
Click to expand...

can anyone say "full circle?"

I STAND VINDICATED!!!!! :D:D

This IS the greatest blonde joke of all time!

This is the third round of blonde jokes in three years, STARTED with this joke!

(And well told too, I must say :) )

LOL

al

And Wilbur has found a close second............ and just because the timing's right, A'gain, I'll tell the 3rd runner up :D (but it can only be told after the others have run their course!) And I can't take any credit, this too is from the first go-round! but if even 1 person sees it for the first time.... :cool:




A statuesque beauty glides up to the counter of an upscale bank in New York with a proposition, "I'm new in town and I've been invited on a three week vacation touring the Mediterranean but I've got to leave this afternoon. I need money fast..... How quickly could you process a 2500.00 loan?"

"Well, it takes time to write up the paperwork....."

"If I could walk out of here with $2500.00 cash in 15 minutes you'd make my week."

:)

"Well," sputters the teller.... "do you have an account here?"

"No. I'm from Seattle..."

"Well, let me get a loan officer, do you have anything to offer as collateral?"

"How about my car?"

So they walk out to the curb to find a trim Mercedes coupe, "this should cover it?"

"Do you own it?"

"Title's in the glove box."

"Well missy, if you own this automobile free and clear I'm sure we can hold it as collateral against $2500.00, for a little while anyway."

"Ohh, thank you sir!"

The bank teller rounds up the loan officer who agrees that this can work.

"Here's what we can do my dear.... We just don't DO unsecured loans here without account history but if you'll leave your car and title with us we will put it in our secured lot for a 10% deposit, we can negotiate terms when you come back in. You can even keep the keys with you, no funny business y'know! I know $250.00 for only a three week loan security seems steep, but......new regulations and all.... my hands are tied, I don't make the policy.... can't just GIVE money away you know....."

"Ok, agreed."

She digs in her handbag and hands over 250.00

Three wks, to the day, finds our platinum haired heroine again at the loan officers desk, keys in hand.

"Well well, here we are again missy! How was your trip?"

"Ohh, I didn't really feel like traipsing all over in a boat so I've just been relaxing and taking in The Big Apple.... nice town you've got here."

"Ohh. So, about our little agreement.... what sort of terms were you looking for? Are you staying in town? We offer some great rates to folks joining our little group...."

"No, thank you. In fact I'm finished here, headed back west. Do have someone bring my car around front?"

She writes out a check for $2250.00 and hands it over.

"Well," says the loan officer, perplexed by all this, "today must be your lucky day! In the three weeks we haven't even reached our first interest accrual cycle so let me just go verify funds and you can be on your way!"

"Provided the check clears!"






Ten minutes later the guys back, spluttering.... "Lady, I just DON'T understand this! Your balance in this account is in the MILLIONS! Why didn't you just..."

"Ohh relax man, have you ever priced parking in this hellhole you call a town? WHERE ELSE could I park my darling in a secured lot for under 12 bucks a day?"



:D


al
 
Well...


At a dinner party, several guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy.

"No woman", said one man scornfully, "can keep a secret"

"I don't know about that", answered a blonde woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one"

"You'll let it out some day", the man insisted.

"I hardly think so", responded the blonde lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twety-seven years, she can keep it forever"
 
In honor of global warming....


One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......." Then the power goes out..

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says ."Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
 
I can't believe it!!!!!!!

Swamp Fox said:
In honor of global warming....


One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......." Then the power goes out..

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says ."Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
Click to expand...

I told this joke to a friend at work today. He IMMEDIATELY walks over and tells it to a blonde.

Now, ya gotta get the picture here. This girl is 40. She has kept herself in STUNNING shape. Even has added a couple of surgical enhancements somewhere along the way. She is on husband #3. Apparently with a string of boyfriends in between #2 and #3, while still married to #2. I work in a factory, and she is on line doing as much work as the men, but making sure she looks STUNNING doing it. She does not look her age, and high school cheerleaders would KILL to be built like her.

My buddy went over and told her the joke.

She laughed.

Then she said to me, dead serious,

"Of course you realize the problem here".

"What's that?", said I.

THE HUSBAND SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE OUT MOVING THE CAR BEFORE THE SNOW CAME!!

She really was serious!

:eek::confused::rolleyes::):):D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

I did explain it to her.:D

Greg
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top