Tim Oltersdorf
Active member
Spot is Dead!!
A family gathered wild mushrooms for a holiday dinner. Someone voiced the opinion that some wild mushrooms are deadly poisonous to eat. The father proposed a solution. Feed the mushrooms to Spot the family dog a couple of days before the dinner. If he survives it was OK to eat the mushrooms. The day of the dinner rolls around and Spot is healthy. The mother proceeds to prepare the dinner including the mushrooms. As the family sits around after the dinner suddenly Jimmy the youngest runs in and shouts "Spot is dead. Spot is dead!". The whole family rushes to the local emergency room to have their stomach pumped and be given Ipecac to further induce vomiting. They are all sitting in the waiting room thoroughly exhausted and wrung out. Their eyes are red. Vomit is dripping off their faces and clothing. The ER bill is $4500. Just then Jimmy pipes up and says "and that car didn't even stop after it hit Spot."
A family gathered wild mushrooms for a holiday dinner. Someone voiced the opinion that some wild mushrooms are deadly poisonous to eat. The father proposed a solution. Feed the mushrooms to Spot the family dog a couple of days before the dinner. If he survives it was OK to eat the mushrooms. The day of the dinner rolls around and Spot is healthy. The mother proceeds to prepare the dinner including the mushrooms. As the family sits around after the dinner suddenly Jimmy the youngest runs in and shouts "Spot is dead. Spot is dead!". The whole family rushes to the local emergency room to have their stomach pumped and be given Ipecac to further induce vomiting. They are all sitting in the waiting room thoroughly exhausted and wrung out. Their eyes are red. Vomit is dripping off their faces and clothing. The ER bill is $4500. Just then Jimmy pipes up and says "and that car didn't even stop after it hit Spot."
antelopedundee
internet bum
Sorry if this is ABP!
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
antelopedundee
internet bum
antelopedundee
internet bum
antelopedundee
internet bum
antelopedundee
internet bum
antelopedundee
internet bum
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's
father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love,
and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Bruce,
you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's
room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old
enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week
and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do
us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.
"Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one
more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children
of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **************************************************************************************************************************************************************** is adorable.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's
father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love,
and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Bruce,
you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's
room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old
enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week
and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do
us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.
"Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one
more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children
of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **************************************************************************************************************************************************************** is adorable.
On a tour of the facilities...
the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.
He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?" "I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man. Furious, the CEO asks "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?" The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back." The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out. Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?" From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."
the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.
He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?" "I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man. Furious, the CEO asks "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?" The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back." The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out. Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?" From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."
perfect.
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antelopedundee
internet bum
antelopedundee
internet bum
life is short
make sure you spend as much of it as you can
in a room discussing with friends
make sure you spend as much of it as you can
in a room discussing with friends
antelopedundee
internet bum
antelopedundee
internet bum
Internet, the mothership of people who don't know much and aren't afraid to go public.