M
mike in co
Guest
Today I had to go to Sears. As I approached the entrance, I noticed a driver looking for a parking space. I flagged the driver and pointed out a handicap parking space that was open and available. The driver looked puzzled, rolled down her window and said, "I'm not handicapped!"
Well, as you can imagine, my face was red! "Oh, I'm sorry" I said. "I saw your Obama bumper sticker and just assumed that you suffer from a mental disorder." She gave me the finger and screamed some nasty names at me.
Boy! Some people don't appreciate it when you're just trying to help them out!
Well, as you can imagine, my face was red! "Oh, I'm sorry" I said. "I saw your Obama bumper sticker and just assumed that you suffer from a mental disorder." She gave me the finger and screamed some nasty names at me.
Boy! Some people don't appreciate it when you're just trying to help them out!
C
Calumet
Guest
Test YOUR IQ!
Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You CAN'T take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
Absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up next time!
The second question,
But don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...??
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this, are you????
Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only .
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30.
Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000
Now add 10 . What is the total?
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
Maybe.
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary.! Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
Imitating the action ! Of brushing his teeth he successfully
Expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
Done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
Sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!
Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You CAN'T take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
Absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up next time!
The second question,
But don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...??
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this, are you????
Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only .
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30.
Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000
Now add 10 . What is the total?
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
Maybe.
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary.! Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
Imitating the action ! Of brushing his teeth he successfully
Expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
Done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
Sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
He just has to open his mouth and ask...
It's really very simple.... Like you!
M
mike in co
Guest
"second person"..is not necessarily second place..it could also be second from last..
and if there were only two people in the race, then yes you ARE in first place.
so next time ask the right question with the right data.
ouch..
and if there were only two people in the race, then yes you ARE in first place.
so next time ask the right question with the right data.
ouch..
OK....... I've promised never to tell "my cute kids" stories but after holding out for this long;
Sunday on the way home from church we went the long way, I wanted to drive by a job to see if it was ready. My 4yr-old was in the back seat playing Monster Hunter on the PSP not paying attention to the road when I sailed through a "tickle belly" dip at about 70mph. He didn't even look up from his game, just commented "oohhhh cool, that made my penis nervous"
It's a good thing my wife wasn't driving or we'd a' wrecked for sure.
al
Sunday on the way home from church we went the long way, I wanted to drive by a job to see if it was ready. My 4yr-old was in the back seat playing Monster Hunter on the PSP not paying attention to the road when I sailed through a "tickle belly" dip at about 70mph. He didn't even look up from his game, just commented "oohhhh cool, that made my penis nervous"
It's a good thing my wife wasn't driving or we'd a' wrecked for sure.
al
Just found this over on the Nitro Express forum
A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes." "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're b'sing me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it"
A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes." "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're b'sing me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it"
RL Weikart
Member
A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.
When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."
So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"
"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"
As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.
When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."
So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"
"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"
AMMASHOOTA
Gary Gruber
you guys need to start laying off the sterno...
Vern
Morethan1waytoskinacat
Anyone Here
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake
happened to end up in a man’s head.
She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.
“Hello?” she cried, but no answer.
“Is there anyone here?” she cried a little louder, but still no
answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and
again she yelled:
“HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!?”
Then from below her, she heard several small voices coming
from far, far away: “Helloooo! Weeeee’re...dooooown...
heeeere...”
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake
happened to end up in a man’s head.
She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.
“Hello?” she cried, but no answer.
“Is there anyone here?” she cried a little louder, but still no
answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and
again she yelled:
“HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!?”
Then from below her, she heard several small voices coming
from far, far away: “Helloooo! Weeeee’re...dooooown...
heeeere...”
Vern
Morethan1waytoskinacat
Farmer in Flight
The pilot of an aerobatic biplane landed in the recently mown
fi eld of a farmer to make a few adjustments to his engine.
While he was tinkering with his machine, he noticed the
farmer and his wife watching with a great deal of curiosity.
The farmer, who was known to be a miserly penny-pincher,
asked the pilot how much he would charge to give both he and
his wife a ride.
‘Well’, said the pilot deciding to have a little fun with them,
‘Normally I charge $50 each, but if you are both completely
quiet throughout the fl ight, the ride will be free of charge. If I
hear the least amount of noise, you will owe the full fare.’
The couple quickly climbed aboard, and the pilot taxied and
took off. Immediately, he proceeded to put his plane through
all of its paces: barrel rolls, stalls, spins, split S maneuvers,
you name it and he did it. The couple in back were completely
silent throughout the thirty-minute fl ight.
Upon landing, the pilot said, ‘I really have to hand it to you
for keeping quiet through all that!’
‘Yup’, said the farmer, ‘but I’ll admit, you almost heard me
say something when the wife fell out.’
The pilot of an aerobatic biplane landed in the recently mown
fi eld of a farmer to make a few adjustments to his engine.
While he was tinkering with his machine, he noticed the
farmer and his wife watching with a great deal of curiosity.
The farmer, who was known to be a miserly penny-pincher,
asked the pilot how much he would charge to give both he and
his wife a ride.
‘Well’, said the pilot deciding to have a little fun with them,
‘Normally I charge $50 each, but if you are both completely
quiet throughout the fl ight, the ride will be free of charge. If I
hear the least amount of noise, you will owe the full fare.’
The couple quickly climbed aboard, and the pilot taxied and
took off. Immediately, he proceeded to put his plane through
all of its paces: barrel rolls, stalls, spins, split S maneuvers,
you name it and he did it. The couple in back were completely
silent throughout the thirty-minute fl ight.
Upon landing, the pilot said, ‘I really have to hand it to you
for keeping quiet through all that!’
‘Yup’, said the farmer, ‘but I’ll admit, you almost heard me
say something when the wife fell out.’
Vern
Morethan1waytoskinacat
Great Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his
desire to become a great writer.
When asked to defi ne “great” he said, “I want to write stuff
that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to
on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream,
cry, and howl in pain, frustration and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages for PC’s.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his
desire to become a great writer.
When asked to defi ne “great” he said, “I want to write stuff
that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to
on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream,
cry, and howl in pain, frustration and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages for PC’s.
M
mike in co
Guest
( all that from a texican...not bad vern)
Vern
Morethan1waytoskinacat
I Think...
There’s an urban legend that in a bathroom in New York
somewhere, if you tell a lie you disappear. A brunette walks
into the bathroom and says, “I am the hottest girl in New
York!” POOF!!! ...she disappears.
A red-head walks into the bathroom. “I am the smartest girl in
New York!!” POOF!!! ...she disappears.
A blonde walks in the bathroom. “I think...” POOF!!! ...she
disappears!
There’s an urban legend that in a bathroom in New York
somewhere, if you tell a lie you disappear. A brunette walks
into the bathroom and says, “I am the hottest girl in New
York!” POOF!!! ...she disappears.
A red-head walks into the bathroom. “I am the smartest girl in
New York!!” POOF!!! ...she disappears.
A blonde walks in the bathroom. “I think...” POOF!!! ...she
disappears!
Don't leave home without matches
Three men died and went to hell. When they get there the devil asks the first guy why he was there and he replied "I have a drinking problem." so the devil puts him in a room with every kind of alcohol he can imagine, then he locks the door.
He then asks the 2nd guy why he was there the guy then says, "I can't stop cheating on my wife." The devil then puts him in a room with the hottest girl ever and locks the door.
Then he asks the last guy why he was there he reply "I’m a pot smoker.” So the devil locks him in a room with lots and lots of pot.
In a hundred years the devil comes back and unlocks the first door and the guy comes out and says,” I will never drink again! "So the devil sends him to heaven.
He goes to the 2nd door and opens it and the guy comes out and says" I will never look at another woman again!" so the devil sends him to heaven.
Finally he goes to the third door and opens it and goes in and there is the pot smoker sitting there with tears coming down his face. When devil asks him what is wrong he replies, " Hey man you got a light?"
Glenn
Three men died and went to hell. When they get there the devil asks the first guy why he was there and he replied "I have a drinking problem." so the devil puts him in a room with every kind of alcohol he can imagine, then he locks the door.
He then asks the 2nd guy why he was there the guy then says, "I can't stop cheating on my wife." The devil then puts him in a room with the hottest girl ever and locks the door.
Then he asks the last guy why he was there he reply "I’m a pot smoker.” So the devil locks him in a room with lots and lots of pot.
In a hundred years the devil comes back and unlocks the first door and the guy comes out and says,” I will never drink again! "So the devil sends him to heaven.
He goes to the 2nd door and opens it and the guy comes out and says" I will never look at another woman again!" so the devil sends him to heaven.
Finally he goes to the third door and opens it and goes in and there is the pot smoker sitting there with tears coming down his face. When devil asks him what is wrong he replies, " Hey man you got a light?"
Glenn
M
mike in co
Guest
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant , who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend , he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly , so lovely people , if you could just put your trays up , that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle , he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo , so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said , 'In my country , I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied , without missing a beat ,
'Well , sweet-cheeks , in my country I'm called a Queen , so I outrank you. Tray-up , B****!'
As the plane prepared to descend , he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly , so lovely people , if you could just put your trays up , that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle , he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo , so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said , 'In my country , I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied , without missing a beat ,
'Well , sweet-cheeks , in my country I'm called a Queen , so I outrank you. Tray-up , B****!'
Holy Schneike!!! Only a flaming queen could possibly get away with that! And I mean that as an observation, not as a political statement.