Geronimo Jim
New member
What is the 3 worst word in the world to hear when you are making love?
HONEY, I'M HOME
HONEY, I'M HOME
John Kielly
Shari's fan club
Definition of sophistication: You come home, walk into your bedroom & find your wife entertaining another man.
"Please continue", you say as you leave the room.
Definition of ultimate sophistication: You are plowing a foreign field when her husband walks in & says, "Please continue" - and you can!
"Please continue", you say as you leave the room.
Definition of ultimate sophistication: You are plowing a foreign field when her husband walks in & says, "Please continue" - and you can!
Vern
Morethan1waytoskinacat
Sitting together on a train was Obama, a Texan, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
The old lady thinks:
Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.
The blonde girl thinks:
Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.
Obama thinks:
The Texan must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
The Texan thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can slap Obama again
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
The old lady thinks:
Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.
The blonde girl thinks:
Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.
Obama thinks:
The Texan must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
The Texan thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can slap Obama again
A little boy about 12 years old is walking down
the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up
to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he
wanted.
He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside.
I have the money to pay, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The
Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told
him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls
have any diseases?'
Of course the Madam said 'No'.
The boy
said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after
making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'
Since the little
boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him
to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall
dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back,
still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed towards the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in
the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'
He said,
'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going
out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just
happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the
disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take
the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and
he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-
sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch
it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver
the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the
prick who ran over my FROG!'
Lynn
the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up
to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he
wanted.
He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside.
I have the money to pay, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The
Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told
him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls
have any diseases?'
Of course the Madam said 'No'.
The boy
said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after
making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'
Since the little
boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him
to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall
dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back,
still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed towards the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in
the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'
He said,
'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going
out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just
happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the
disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take
the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and
he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-
sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch
it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver
the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the
prick who ran over my FROG!'
Lynn
Roger T
Member
A guy walks into a bar in Kentucky and orders a white wine.... All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.... The bartender says , "You ain't from around here, are ya?".....The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."...the bartender say, "What you do in Canada?".....The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist.".....The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?
" No"",says the Canadian A" taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals"......The bartender grins and hollers, "It's OK boys he's one of us"
" No"",says the Canadian A" taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals"......The bartender grins and hollers, "It's OK boys he's one of us"
It's the summer of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy
Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and
invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?"
He says "That's cool."
Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby
replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or
to a drive-in-movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I
hear all of the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "we know that Peggy Sue really likes
to screw, why she'd screw all night if we let her!"
Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear.
Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle
skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the
front door while Dad is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a
small wink for Bobby.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back
into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:
"DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!!
Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and
invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?"
He says "That's cool."
Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby
replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or
to a drive-in-movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I
hear all of the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "we know that Peggy Sue really likes
to screw, why she'd screw all night if we let her!"
Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear.
Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle
skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the
front door while Dad is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a
small wink for Bobby.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back
into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:
"DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!!
V
Varmint Al
Guest
Having two Black Labs and a Chocolate, this story caught my attention.
Bart's Page: http://www.varmintal.com/abart.htm
The Dog Story:
Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, "Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2012!"
"Great Nancy , but how?" asked Harry.
"We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever.
Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."
So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman , Montana . With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.
The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?"
"Yes we are!" said Nancy , "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color."
They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.
A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador , lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.
For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.
Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"
"Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes!"
Good Hunting... from Varmint Al
Bart's Page: http://www.varmintal.com/abart.htm
The Dog Story:
Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, "Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2012!"
"Great Nancy , but how?" asked Harry.
"We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever.
Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."
So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman , Montana . With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.
The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?"
"Yes we are!" said Nancy , "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color."
They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.
A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador , lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.
For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.
Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"
"Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes!"
Good Hunting... from Varmint Al
S
swmft
Guest
Another dog joke
Avid hunter from the north east kingdom went and bought himself a new bird dog.
After taking the dog out several times, he was taken aback.
The dog always retried the ducks ,but something just was not right.
He goes to a friend ,who is also a hunter and tells him this dog has a problem but he just cant put his finger on it.
His friend agrees to go duck hunting with him on the weekend,and he does.
They find a good spot and soon get to shoot their first duck ,it falls in the water. The dog goes off and retrieves the duck .
The hunter turns to his friend and says there do you see.
His friend says "what?".
Excited he says did you see how the dog retrieved the duck??
YEP
So what is wrong with my dog!
You mean walking on the top of the water to retrieve the duck?
Yes that.
Nothing wrong with your dog --------------------------------------------- he just cant swim.
Avid hunter from the north east kingdom went and bought himself a new bird dog.
After taking the dog out several times, he was taken aback.
The dog always retried the ducks ,but something just was not right.
He goes to a friend ,who is also a hunter and tells him this dog has a problem but he just cant put his finger on it.
His friend agrees to go duck hunting with him on the weekend,and he does.
They find a good spot and soon get to shoot their first duck ,it falls in the water. The dog goes off and retrieves the duck .
The hunter turns to his friend and says there do you see.
His friend says "what?".
Excited he says did you see how the dog retrieved the duck??
YEP
So what is wrong with my dog!
You mean walking on the top of the water to retrieve the duck?
Yes that.
Nothing wrong with your dog --------------------------------------------- he just cant swim.
HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14-16 men's work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads ......, Bubba, Me and Marcel, Donnie Ray and Jimmy Earl went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.,
Cooter
1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14-16 men's work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads ......, Bubba, Me and Marcel, Donnie Ray and Jimmy Earl went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.,
Cooter
This is the story of a young man from Ireland, Kenneth O'Bea.
As do many young men, he wanted to see the world, so headed west. When he reached Southern California, he liked the life and decided to stay awhile. As often happens -- particularly in Hollywood -- he met a girl. She was young and lovely and tall and tan (I know, but this is a different story). Anyway, they got along pretty well, though she liked to sunbath, and he did not -- like so many of his countrymen, he was pale and freckled; sunburn was both quick and painful.
They had several heated discussions about his spending his days in the shade. Finally, in exasperation, the young woman said "Oh, be wan, Ken O'Bea."
As do many young men, he wanted to see the world, so headed west. When he reached Southern California, he liked the life and decided to stay awhile. As often happens -- particularly in Hollywood -- he met a girl. She was young and lovely and tall and tan (I know, but this is a different story). Anyway, they got along pretty well, though she liked to sunbath, and he did not -- like so many of his countrymen, he was pale and freckled; sunburn was both quick and painful.
They had several heated discussions about his spending his days in the shade. Finally, in exasperation, the young woman said "Oh, be wan, Ken O'Bea."
J
Jdh
Guest
I was in the pub on Saturday night. I noticed two large girls by the bar. They both had strong accents so I said "Hi, are you two girls from Scotland ?" One of them chirped, "It's WALES you freaking idiot !!!"
So I immediately apologized and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"
So I immediately apologized and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"
S
swmft
Guest
Has the swelling gone down yet?
MilGunsmith
Member
[h=6]Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
... On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
[/h]
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
... On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
[/h]
C
Calumet
Guest
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
F
fishbone
Guest
An old couple were at the Doc's office. He was very hard of hearing.
The nurse said to the wife, "we need a urine sample from your husband". He says', what'd she say"? The wife say's shush.
The nurse goes on to say " we'll need a stool sample too". What'd she say, asks the old man, but again was told to shush.
Finally the nurse said a sperm sample would also be needed. What'd she say asked the geezer? The wife turned to him and said, "she said you need to leave your underpants here".
The nurse said to the wife, "we need a urine sample from your husband". He says', what'd she say"? The wife say's shush.
The nurse goes on to say " we'll need a stool sample too". What'd she say, asks the old man, but again was told to shush.
Finally the nurse said a sperm sample would also be needed. What'd she say asked the geezer? The wife turned to him and said, "she said you need to leave your underpants here".
CYanchycki
Club Coordinator
Priest's Retirement Dinner
===========================
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local
politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a
little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had
been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me
he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out
of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with
his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his girlfriend. I was appalled. But as the
days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a
fine parish full of good and loving people’.
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He
immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: ‘I’ll never forget the first
day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician’. ‘In fact, I had the honor of
being the first person to go to him for confession’.
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late!
===========================
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local
politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a
little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had
been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me
he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out
of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with
his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his girlfriend. I was appalled. But as the
days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a
fine parish full of good and loving people’.
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He
immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: ‘I’ll never forget the first
day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician’. ‘In fact, I had the honor of
being the first person to go to him for confession’.
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late!
A 90-year-old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count The doctor
gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a
semen sample tomorrow."
The next day, the 90-year-old man returned to the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc,
it's like this. .. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then
I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife
for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.
She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her
teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next
door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and
she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor!!??"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what all three of us tried,
with our arthritis, we still couldn't get the jar open
gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a
semen sample tomorrow."
The next day, the 90-year-old man returned to the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc,
it's like this. .. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then
I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife
for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.
She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her
teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next
door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and
she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor!!??"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what all three of us tried,
with our arthritis, we still couldn't get the jar open