we need a humor forum.....until then

02-02-12

2-2-2012

Somehow the truth hurts, and this may be it.

In the coming New Year, 2012, both Groundhog Day and the State of
the Union address will occur on the same day.

This is an ironic juxtaposition of events.

One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an
insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication.

The other involves a groundhog.​
 
Bill that reminds me of the old Lawyer joke

Whats the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One is a scum sucking bottom dweller the other is a fish.
 
Y'know" said the Scotsman," I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman,"at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhhhh, that's nothing," said the Irishman."Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid; all on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims, but he swears every word is true.

"Well," asked the Englishman,"did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman."But it did happen to me sister."
 
A gunsmith walks into a pet shop. "I work and live alone at home and I get lonely" he says to the owner. "I was thinking maybe a nice singing bird would be nice, what do you have?" The owner takes him to a bird that tweets beautifully. "Wow, I'll take it" says the gunsmith, "how much is it?" The owner tells him the bird is $500.00. "Damn thats way to much" says the gunsmith, "got anything cheaper?" "Well I've got this other one here, it sings nice but not near as well as the first one" the owner says. The gunsmith listens to the 2nd bird. "Your right, it's not as good but I guess it will do, how much for this one" says the gunsmith? "This one is $200.00" says the owner. "Holy Smokes!! thats still too much" says the gunsmith. The owner takes him to the last bird. "This bird can't sing worth crap but you can have him for $2.00" he says. The gunsmith listens the the 3rd bird. "Wow, you wern't kidding, this bird sings aufull" he says. "Let me ask you a question" the gunmith says, "these 3 birds all look the same yet thet all sing diferently, why is that" The owner replies "It's all in the beak, you'll notice the great singing bird has a super smooth beak, bird #2's beak is a little wavy and the last birds beak is all bumpy and ugly. "What if" the gunsmith says "one was to machine the bumpy birds beak so it was nice and smooth. Would it then be able to sing beautifully?" The owner replies. "Well, theoretically yes, but there is a nerve running under the beak. If one machined too far they would hit the nerve and kill the bird. I would not recomend it." The gunsmith proudly says "I am a Master Gunsmith!! I can easily machine things to .0001, I'll take that $2.00 bird and make him tweet like an angel!!!
The next day the gunsmith walks back into the pet store with his head hung low. "Let me guess, the bird is dead" says the owner. "Yes, it's dead" the gunsmith says. "See, I told you. If you machine too far and hit that nerve the bird will die" says the owner. "Oh, thats not what killed it" says the gunsmith. "Well why is it dead" the owner replies. "Because" says the gunsmith "I crushed his head in the vise!"
 
Some more visual humor----

DSC03045-2.jpg
 
mike in co said:
Subject: Traffic Jam in Washington

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam in Washington DC . Nothing is moving!
Suddenly, a man knocks on the car window. The driver rolls down his window and asks "What's going on"?
''Terrorists down the road have kidnapped all the members of our Congress, they're asking for $10 million in ransom". "Otherwise, they're going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire"!
"We're going from car to car taking up a collection".
The driver asks "How much is everyone giving, on average"?
''Most people are giving about two gallons"!
Click to expand...

This takes me back a few years ago when Bill Walton was still doing NBA broadcast's before he got fired, on something this horrific he would state "That's Horrrrrible, That's Terrrrrible !!!!!!!!!
Guess M.I.C. remembers also, or so he should.
 
2 Irishmen sitting in a life boat marooned at sea for about a week.
Sean looks over the side and sees a genie’s bottle. H snatches it up and promptly pops the cork hoping for a strong drink. Instead out pops the genie. He states that he has only been in the bottle a short time and so is only willing to grant one wish. Immediately Sean blurts out I wish the whole ocean was made of Guinness.
And with that the genie snapped his fingers and poof the whole sea turned into Guinness. Shames looks at Sean and roars “now look what you did you idget, now we will have to pee in the boat.”……
 
A Texan walks into a Pub and looks around and decides to make a wager. He clears his throat and says loudly “I’ll give $10,00 to any man that can drink 12 Guinness back to back. No one stirs and finally this little guy gets up and walks out of the pub. About an hour later he comes walking back in and walks up to the Texan and asks “Is your offer for the $10,000 still open”.
The Texan looks surprised and says to the man “You were here when I made the offer but you only just left the pub. Where did you go?” The little guy looks around sheepishly and says “Well I wasn’t quite sure I could do it so I went down the street to another pub and practiced a couple of times first.”

And yes I am Irish
 
How can you tell if your wife is having an orgasm?

My car will be parked in the driveway.

(Heard that at a cowboy action match yesterday)
 
2 young boys are laying on stretchers outside the OR. The first kid asks the other "What U in for?" Second kid replies "I am having my tonsils out." First Kid says " Piece of cake. I had mine out when I was 4. They knock you out, you come out of it, and they feed you lots of Jello and ice cream."

Second kid asks the first "What you here for?" First replies "I am here to get circumsized" Second kid says " Whoa, good luck with that buddy. I had that when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for a year."

Calvin
 
outland_full.jpg

One of my favorite cartoons.
Good Hunting... from Varmint Al
coyotel.gif
 
A gentleman from Pittsburgh was on a job assignment in Los Angeles, after finishing his project he went right to the airport so he could fly home. while standing in the ticket line he noticed that the lady working the counter was very nice looking and glanced at her several times. when it was his turn he stepped to the counter and said "I need a picket to tittsburgh...eeerrr aaahhh I mean a ticket to Pittsburgh. timidly he boarded the plane and went home.
His friend (a psychologist) picked him up from the airport, he told his friend what had happened in the L.A airport, the friend said what happened to you is what is known as a" freudian slip". when you have more than one thing on your mind it can mix -up what comes out in your speech.
For example I had a freudian slip myself just this morning before I came to pick you up, me and my wife were having breakfast and what I meant to ask her was "will you please pass the syrup" but what came out was "you B**** you ruined my life".;)
 
Dang Bill.
You are real old.
Do you remember telling me, 2011 was going to be your last year shooting?????
Proally not.
See ya in the spring.....:)
 
A wish to live forever

I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets their heads out of their butts!"

"You crafty bastard!" said the fairy.
 
Walmart greeters.

Young people forget that these old people had a career before they retired......


Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their
"older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic and you do a bang-up job, but you're being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. But your coming in late is odd. I know you're retired from the military, what did they say if you came in late there?"


"They said, "Good morning, Admiral, may I get your coffee, sir?"
 
mike in co said:
Subject: Traffic Jam in Washington

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam in Washington DC . Nothing is moving!
Suddenly, a man knocks on the car window. The driver rolls down his window and asks "What's going on"?
''Terrorists down the road have kidnapped all the members of our Congress, they're asking for $10 million in ransom". "Otherwise, they're going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire"!
"We're going from car to car taking up a collection".
The driver asks "How much is everyone giving, on average"?
''Most people are giving about two gallons"!
Click to expand...
Mike,
I had no clue you had any humor what so ever,...I'm impressed, I read the whole thread and was laughing the whole way through it, thanks for a different sort of thread.
Happy New Year to all.
Wayne.
 
Leave it to Beaver

My husband grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.

"I have to ask you to move your car," my husband told him.

"Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?"

"No," he replied, "it's parked in the wrong driveway."
 
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