Tim Oltersdorf
Active member
Mike Conery wandered into a motel room where several shooters had open containers of alcohol. The fumes intoxicated him and he loudly announced that he was going to Liberia to, as he put it, "kick some Ebola ass". Several shooters had to sit on him including our director Scott Hunter until they got him into some clear air and he sobered up. He ranted for a full hour about rubber boots, bleach and bibles. He also doused Tim Oltersdorf with his soda claiming it was Clorox and shouting "Take that you infectious pustule!". Drunk or sober Mike always was a good judge of character.
An Indi film company is shooting a movie in Texas. It is a combination of horror, sci-fi and contemporary documentary. It will be called The Swamp Thing Caliphate. In it a radicalized Swamp Thing brutally subjugates a Texas ranch stock tank. The rancher reacts poorly when he discovers beheaded bass and catfish littering the ground. An epic struggle ensues of overwhelming might vs animal cunning and ferocity. And speaking of cunning and ferocity several Gulf Coast shooters have leading rolls in the production. Scott Hunter snagged the lead as The Swamp Thing. As the director said "Wow! He doesn't even need a costume!". John Horn got the role as the aggrieved rancher. The director said of him " He's a dead ringer for a rancher. He wears long sleeve shirts and jeans with no underwear. His feet are shod with rancher boots. I'll bet he even farts dirt.". My best friend and traveling buddy Dickie Pustejovsky is the Swamp Things sidekick aka The Salamander. He initially had trouble with the one stunt breathe through your skin but rapidly adapted the persona of the noxious, slimy amphibian. The bulge from his pacemaker showed through the lycra black with orange stripes body suit so makeup disguised it as an anatomically impaired regenerating tail. The tail was bitten off in a battle with the antihero The Alligator played by Larry Baggett . The Alligator had the tail preserved in Tequila and taunts The Salamander with it by waving it at the furious amphibian and shouting "You know what I mean! You know what I mean!" over and over. Gene Beggs is cast as Lord Windprobe who resides in his underground lair The Tunnel. From there he sends cryptic announcements featuring drawings of vast wind powered devices that he touts as the next and last step to clean energy independence. Too bad the film is based in Texas. The Swamp Thing has the tank drained and filled with a WMD cheap scotch. Everything dies except the Swamp Thing. The Salamander and Alligator escape by exiting the tank and taking up residency in a local college sorority house toilet where they have many adventures. Gene Buckys is cast as god. He shows up now and then, demonstrates his power and then disappears into his motor home. The rancher has two hands. One is played by Joe Kubon noted for his craggy look (like a horse that was rode hard and never put up). The other is Gary Bristow noted for his youthful yet somehow menacing appearance ( like a newborn baby complete with amniotic sac ). Both heroically volunteer to flush out the Salamander and Alligator from the sorority commodes and rescue the terrified coeds. This backfires when the scantily clad women flee in terror from the salamander, alligator and both Joe and Gary. They stampede like a herd of lightning spooked cattle across the ranch and straight towards the Swamp Thing in his scotch swimming pool. Meanwhile the rancher jumps into his pickup and proceeds to run over boulders, through swollen streams and around downed trees at a high rate of speed. Rattlesnakes buzz menacingly as he flies by. He skids around a mud pit leaving a rooster tail of brown. It looks like a super bowl truck commercial. He must rescue the coeds! Will he be in time? The Swamp Thing seeing the coeds running full tilt towards him spreads his arms wide and shouts "At last my 70 virgins!". The lights of the ranchers truck illuminate the tank and the Wildly grinning Swamp Thing. The fastest coeds at the front of the mob see the Swamp Thing and try to brake. The rear keeps coming and piles into them. A writhing mass of entangled bodies and underwear teeters on the edge of the tank and with a piercing scream falls in atop the Swamp Thing who is making obscene kissing noises. 4,000 pounds of insanely thrashing womanhood hits the Swamp Thing like Godzilla stomping on a garbage bag full of cherry jello. He is plunged beneath the scotch where he drowns entwined in female underwear and writhing female bodies. Later after being rescued by the rancher and his hands one coed asked the other "What was that thing we fell on? It was making those hideous noises, sticking its tongue out and grunting.". "I don't know" said her friend "but I will never forget the smile it had on its face before it died." Tim
An Indi film company is shooting a movie in Texas. It is a combination of horror, sci-fi and contemporary documentary. It will be called The Swamp Thing Caliphate. In it a radicalized Swamp Thing brutally subjugates a Texas ranch stock tank. The rancher reacts poorly when he discovers beheaded bass and catfish littering the ground. An epic struggle ensues of overwhelming might vs animal cunning and ferocity. And speaking of cunning and ferocity several Gulf Coast shooters have leading rolls in the production. Scott Hunter snagged the lead as The Swamp Thing. As the director said "Wow! He doesn't even need a costume!". John Horn got the role as the aggrieved rancher. The director said of him " He's a dead ringer for a rancher. He wears long sleeve shirts and jeans with no underwear. His feet are shod with rancher boots. I'll bet he even farts dirt.". My best friend and traveling buddy Dickie Pustejovsky is the Swamp Things sidekick aka The Salamander. He initially had trouble with the one stunt breathe through your skin but rapidly adapted the persona of the noxious, slimy amphibian. The bulge from his pacemaker showed through the lycra black with orange stripes body suit so makeup disguised it as an anatomically impaired regenerating tail. The tail was bitten off in a battle with the antihero The Alligator played by Larry Baggett . The Alligator had the tail preserved in Tequila and taunts The Salamander with it by waving it at the furious amphibian and shouting "You know what I mean! You know what I mean!" over and over. Gene Beggs is cast as Lord Windprobe who resides in his underground lair The Tunnel. From there he sends cryptic announcements featuring drawings of vast wind powered devices that he touts as the next and last step to clean energy independence. Too bad the film is based in Texas. The Swamp Thing has the tank drained and filled with a WMD cheap scotch. Everything dies except the Swamp Thing. The Salamander and Alligator escape by exiting the tank and taking up residency in a local college sorority house toilet where they have many adventures. Gene Buckys is cast as god. He shows up now and then, demonstrates his power and then disappears into his motor home. The rancher has two hands. One is played by Joe Kubon noted for his craggy look (like a horse that was rode hard and never put up). The other is Gary Bristow noted for his youthful yet somehow menacing appearance ( like a newborn baby complete with amniotic sac ). Both heroically volunteer to flush out the Salamander and Alligator from the sorority commodes and rescue the terrified coeds. This backfires when the scantily clad women flee in terror from the salamander, alligator and both Joe and Gary. They stampede like a herd of lightning spooked cattle across the ranch and straight towards the Swamp Thing in his scotch swimming pool. Meanwhile the rancher jumps into his pickup and proceeds to run over boulders, through swollen streams and around downed trees at a high rate of speed. Rattlesnakes buzz menacingly as he flies by. He skids around a mud pit leaving a rooster tail of brown. It looks like a super bowl truck commercial. He must rescue the coeds! Will he be in time? The Swamp Thing seeing the coeds running full tilt towards him spreads his arms wide and shouts "At last my 70 virgins!". The lights of the ranchers truck illuminate the tank and the Wildly grinning Swamp Thing. The fastest coeds at the front of the mob see the Swamp Thing and try to brake. The rear keeps coming and piles into them. A writhing mass of entangled bodies and underwear teeters on the edge of the tank and with a piercing scream falls in atop the Swamp Thing who is making obscene kissing noises. 4,000 pounds of insanely thrashing womanhood hits the Swamp Thing like Godzilla stomping on a garbage bag full of cherry jello. He is plunged beneath the scotch where he drowns entwined in female underwear and writhing female bodies. Later after being rescued by the rancher and his hands one coed asked the other "What was that thing we fell on? It was making those hideous noises, sticking its tongue out and grunting.". "I don't know" said her friend "but I will never forget the smile it had on its face before it died." Tim
While enjoying your clever story, I got to thinking about Texas, and being from across your northern border, the expression "Baja Oklahoma" came to mind. In any case, that led me to some research, and in that to a list that is from the book of the same name. Given the plot of your film, and the credit given for its inspiration, I thought that a link to this list of the ten stages of drunkenness might be amusing.