we need a humor forum.....until then

[alinwa]

this might just be an 'MUR'can thang.....

[rsmithsr]

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota.
He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be 'North Dakota' for you non-Scandahoovians out there).
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.
Ole reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls...the cow farts.
Ole is very surprised.
He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again.
He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again.
Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.
When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens."
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat - and the cow farts.
Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota,didn't yah?"
Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.
Ole replies, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"
Sven says, "My wife is from Nordakota."

[alinwa]

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion? Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure." The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why? "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

[antelopedundee]

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota.
He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be 'North Dakota' for you non-Scandahoovians out there).
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.
Ole reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls...the cow farts.
Ole is very surprised.
He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again.
He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again.
Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.
When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens."
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat - and the cow farts.
Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota,didn't yah?"
Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.
Ole replies, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"
Sven says, "My wife is from Nordakota."

You know how they practice safe sex in Nordakota?

They put ear tags on all of the kickers.

[doghunter]

[rsmithsr]

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers
Well, here it is:
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy -- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.
"Not really, Pa Pa, it was boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, piece of , horse's ass, socialist left wing Biden lover, blind bastard, dip, Muslim camel humper, pecker head or son of a bitch anywhere we went. We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun."

[Dave Coots]

.

[Nor Cal Mikie]

That would be "assault with a dead weapon"?

[rsmithsr]

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies

consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter
with Tempo Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus
and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring
flight isn’t it? Now have a look here!"

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound
barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and then swoops down
almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the
Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"

The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now you look!"

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues
to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After 15 minutes, the
Airbus pilot radios, "Well, how was that?

Confused, the jet pilot asks, "What did you do?"

The AirBus pilot laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs,
walked to the back of the aircraft to use the washroom, then got a cup
of coffee and a chocolate fudge pastry.

The moral of the story is:

When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as
you get older and wiser, you learn that comfort and peace are more
important.

This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, but Smarter.

Dedicated to all my friends and family who are like me, now realizing
that it is time to slow down and enjoy the rest of the trip. Dedicated
to you and all seniors.

[Dave Coots]

So far I have 2 out of three covered....

Later
Dave

[rsmithsr]

This Year, 2022,
both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day.
This is an ironic juxtaposition of events.
One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication . . .
The other involves a groundhog

[alinwa]

well done senior smith

[antelopedundee]

This Year, 2022,
both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day.
This is an ironic juxtaposition of events.
One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication . . .
The other involves a groundhog

What's the difference between a lawyer and a carp? One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.

[Dave Coots]

.

[Nor Cal Mikie]

The Girls ALL look prettier around closing time.