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Thread: we need a humor forum.....until then

  1. #331
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    West Virginia & North Carolina
    Posts
    102
    Seb, you make great rests!

  2. #332
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    Poetry, Tex.
    Posts
    7,013
    An old one,


    VOTING IN CHICAGO:

    My cousin was a staunch conservative
    and voted straight line Republican until the day he died.
    Now, he votes Democrat.

  3. #333
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Group W Bench
    Posts
    132
    Navajo Wisdom
    About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface. Along with all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full Lunar spacesuits.
    Nearby a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon.
    The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message, they asked his son to translate. His son would not.
    Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate.
    Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message, "Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land."

  4. #334
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Group W Bench
    Posts
    132
    A woman is at the cash register at the grocery store. Buys one tv dinner, single serving of pudding & one coke. Dude behind the counter says, you must be single. She replies, yes, is it because I only bought one of everything? He says, no, because you're ugly.

  5. #335
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    washington.........STATE that is.
    Posts
    11,407
    So my racing snail has fallen off his pace of late. In desperation I decided to try an old racing trick. I took him out back with a teeny hammer and removed his shell to save weight....


    Didn't work.


    Made him more sluggish.

  6. #336
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    Berks Cty, Pa
    Posts
    202
    Democratic Convention.

  7. #337
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Posts
    407
    Quote Originally Posted by Hambone View Post
    A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college.
    Half way through the term, having foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

    "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Missoula that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"
    At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

    So he shoots the dog.
    It would have been much funnier if the kid shot himself, and then his father followed suit.

  8. #338
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Posts
    31
    NEVER try to out fox a woman! EVER...!!


    A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing... We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend. And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic ? We're leaving at 4:30 PM from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.

    'Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.'

    The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.

    Following the long weekend, he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good.

    The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike.

    He said, 'But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?'

    {You'll love the answer}




    The wife replies, "I did. They're in your tackle box."
    Last edited by Calumet; 09-09-2012 at 11:18 PM.

  9. #339
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    Tennessee
    Posts
    5,284
    Guy calls his wife and says, "Honey! I hit the lottery!!! Start packing!!

    His wife is elated and asks, "Warm climate or cool?"

    He says, "I don't care so long as you're gone when I get there."

  10. #340
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    Misplaced . . .
    Posts
    3,607
    Reminds me of one of my favorite "Mommy" jokes.


    Mommy Mommy Mommy, why's Daddy running away from us?

    shut up and reload...

  11. #341
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Location
    Hondo, TX
    Posts
    1,552

    Gas

    Some may find it funny some may not.
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails Click image for larger version. 

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  12. #342
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    washington.........STATE that is.
    Posts
    11,407
    Seen on an angsty teen's shirt;

    "My girlfriend and I are so different,
    I exist, she doesn't."

  13. #343
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    aurora, co
    Posts
    3,609
    Today I had to go to Sears. As I approached the entrance, I noticed a driver looking for a parking space. I flagged the driver and pointed out a handicap parking space that was open and available. The driver looked puzzled, rolled down her window and said, "I'm not handicapped!"

    Well, as you can imagine, my face was red! "Oh, I'm sorry" I said. "I saw your Obama bumper sticker and just assumed that you suffer from a mental disorder." She gave me the finger and screamed some nasty names at me.


    Boy! Some people don't appreciate it when you're just trying to help them out!

  14. #344
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Posts
    31

    Test YOUR IQ!

    Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You CAN'T take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?

    Let's find out just how clever you really are....


    First Question:

    You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?


    Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
    Absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

    Try not to screw up next time!

    The second question,
    But don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?

    Second Question:

    If you overtake the last person, then you are...??

    Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?


    You're not very good at this, are you????

    Third Question:
    Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only .
    Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



    Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30.
    Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000
    Now add 10 . What is the total?


    Did you get 5000?

    The correct answer is actually 4100.

    If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
    Today is definitely not your day, is it?
    Maybe you'll get the last question right....
    Maybe.


    Fourth Question:

    Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
    4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?


    Did you Answer Nunu?
    NO! Of course it isn't.
    Her name is Mary.! Read the question again!

    Okay, now the bonus round:

    A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
    Imitating the action ! Of brushing his teeth he successfully
    Expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is
    Done.

    Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
    Sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?


    He just has to open his mouth and ask...
    It's really very simple.... Like you!

  15. #345
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    aurora, co
    Posts
    3,609
    "second person"..is not necessarily second place..it could also be second from last..
    and if there were only two people in the race, then yes you ARE in first place.
    so next time ask the right question with the right data.
    ouch..


    [QUOTE=Calumet;689995]Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You CAN'T take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?

    Let's find out just how clever you really are....


    First Question:

    You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?


    Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
    Absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

    Try not to screw up next time!

    QUOTE]

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