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Thread: we need a humor forum.....until then

  1. #1081
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  2. #1082
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    I told this one before with different characters and nobody laffed....maybe this version is better


    An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
    He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
    After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
    The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
    In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
    'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
    1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
    2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
    3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
    4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
    5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
    Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
    The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

  3. #1083
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    Beer bottle; "you break me and you get a year of bad luck!"


    Mirror; "Hah... you break ME and you get 7 years of bad luck!!"




    Condom; "You, hey.... seriously??" (shakes head and walks off laffing)

  4. #1084
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    Jun 2013
    Location
    North Eastern Australia
    Posts
    267

    Flatulence Cure

    Bill was a chronic farter.

    His diet of pork and beans had the usual results and his wife was disgusted by the nightly orchestra from beneath the bedclothes so she told him "Bill, one of these days you are going to fart your guts out"

    After a particularly noisy and aromatic night she decided to teach Bill a lesson so she rose early and threw some chicken guts beneath the bedclothes.

    Later that day, Bill came down the stairs, later than normal with his face as white as a sheet and he said.

    "Darling, you were right, my guts came out. I've just spent the last hour putting them back in!"

  5. #1085
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    Jun 2013
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    North Eastern Australia
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    Ammo

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    Regards from down under.

    * doggie *

  6. #1086
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  7. #1087
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    How would you like to be married to this one?????????


  8. #1088
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
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    675

    engineers

    Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

  9. #1089
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    Oct 2019
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    Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed. "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!" Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving as elected members of Congress.

  10. #1090
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    Oct 2019
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    To the optimist, the glass is half-full.

    To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

    To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

  11. #1091
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dave Coots View Post
    I'm gonna' get flamed for this........ and I know I'm alone in my opinion, but I have as much problem with the LEO as with the woman. They're both children but he's a whiney liddle bitch.

    It's a bitofa' hot button with me because I have 7 3500HD med trucks which sport motorhome rims from the factory, it looks like I'm missing lug nuts. So I get pulled over more than most and NOT ticketed. That said, cops who don't know they're in a service industry, cops who don't know I'm their employer might just get their buttons pushed by me until they pop a vein. When he said "ma'am your ticket started when you told me "I pay your salary"...."

    I said "guy's a dick".... I'da' wound him up like a 2-dollar watch

    When I moved to this area the motto on the cars was "To Protect and Serve"

    Now it's "For Your Health and Safety"

    Now I realize that normal people don't have a problem with the change

    Normal people don't get into fracas' bringing bullets onto airplanes either.

    If I ever get caught being normal I hope somebody rings my gong.....

    flame on

  12. #1092
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    I once asked an engineer "how would two flies screw in a lightbulb?"

    He replied, "that's not the relevant question"

    ??

    "First off, how'd the flies get IN the lightbulb?"

  13. #1093
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
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    675
    A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper, let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh yes, that's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!" The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

  14. #1094
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    Oct 2019
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    What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

    Mechanical engineers build weapons.

    Civil engineers build targets.

  15. #1095
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    Dec 2003
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    washington.........STATE that is.
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    A wife asks her husband, an engineer, for a favour.

    "Darling, can you please go to the shop to buy one pint of milk? And if they have eggs, get a dozen!"

    Off he goes to the shop, and half an hour later he returns with 12 pints of milk.

    His wife stares at him and asks, "Why on earth did you get 12 pints of milk?"

    "Well… they had eggs," he replied.

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