we need a humor forum.....until then

[mike in co]

Subject: Traffic Jam in Washington

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam in Washington DC . Nothing is moving!
Suddenly, a man knocks on the car window. The driver rolls down his window and asks "What's going on"?
''Terrorists down the road have kidnapped all the members of our Congress, they're asking for $10 million in ransom". "Otherwise, they're going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire"!
"We're going from car to car taking up a collection".
The driver asks "How much is everyone giving, on average"?
''Most people are giving about two gallons"!

[glp]

Why Michael, I find most of what you post is humorous.

If he's humorous, you are hillarious!

[Engrbill]

Btt

[Charles E]

Why, Francis, that's not true. Much of what he writes is redundant.

(Oh, Maybe Mike wants a good humor forum. No, that's ice cream; not what I meant. A humor forum with good writing.)

[AMMASHOOTA]

i could use a good humerus...

[404tbang]

I could use a good humerus too, I broke mine right at the elbow December 19, 1954 at St. Michael's in the first period and it didn't heal right.
Oh, heel right is different. That's the optomitrus. Well, it starts with O.

Well, that may explain it. 20 years ago a podiatrist at Ft. Bragg cut off a chunk of excess bone on my right heel with a hammer and chisel. No kidding. I thought he was kidding. He wasn't kidding. I mean, one minute I'm laying on my belly and worrying about the design of the gown and accidentally impressing the nurses and such, and the next minute I hear the sound of steel on steel as my leg gets violently yanked. I whirled around and said "what are you DOING?!?" "Uh, Sir?" He said, "I told you I was going to do this with a hammer and chisel." I said, "I thought you were KIDDING, sir!?!" "No son, I wasn't kidding". And back to work that pesky sculptor went........

Sooooo, what'cher saying is I should have gone to the optometrist?! Man, I never saw that coming..............

[John Kielly]

Damn lucky you didn't have piles!

[AMMASHOOTA]

Damn lucky you didn't have piles!

Piles of what? brass? lead?

[UncleB]

Subject: Traffic Jam in Washington

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam in Washington DC . Nothing is moving!
Suddenly, a man knocks on the car window. The driver rolls down his window and asks "What's going on"?
''Terrorists down the road have kidnapped all the members of our Congress, they're asking for $10 million in ransom". "Otherwise, they're going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire"!
"We're going from car to car taking up a collection".
The driver asks "How much is everyone giving, on average"?
''Most people are giving about two gallons"!

This takes me back a few years ago when Bill Walton was still doing NBA broadcast's before he got fired, on something this horrific he would state "That's Horrrrrible, That's Terrrrrible !!!!!!!!!
Guess M.I.C. remembers also, or so he should.

[Vern]

2 Irishmen sitting in a life boat marooned at sea for about a week.
Sean looks over the side and sees a genie’s bottle. H snatches it up and promptly pops the cork hoping for a strong drink. Instead out pops the genie. He states that he has only been in the bottle a short time and so is only willing to grant one wish. Immediately Sean blurts out I wish the whole ocean was made of Guinness.
And with that the genie snapped his fingers and poof the whole sea turned into Guinness. Shames looks at Sean and roars “now look what you did you idget, now we will have to pee in the boat.”……

[Vern]

A Texan walks into a Pub and looks around and decides to make a wager. He clears his throat and says loudly “I’ll give $10,00 to any man that can drink 12 Guinness back to back. No one stirs and finally this little guy gets up and walks out of the pub. About an hour later he comes walking back in and walks up to the Texan and asks “Is your offer for the $10,000 still open”.
The Texan looks surprised and says to the man “You were here when I made the offer but you only just left the pub. Where did you go?” The little guy looks around sheepishly and says “Well I wasn’t quite sure I could do it so I went down the street to another pub and practiced a couple of times first.”

And yes I am Irish

[bozo699]

Subject: Traffic Jam in Washington

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam in Washington DC . Nothing is moving!
Suddenly, a man knocks on the car window. The driver rolls down his window and asks "What's going on"?
''Terrorists down the road have kidnapped all the members of our Congress, they're asking for $10 million in ransom". "Otherwise, they're going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire"!
"We're going from car to car taking up a collection".
The driver asks "How much is everyone giving, on average"?
''Most people are giving about two gallons"!

Mike,
I had no clue you had any humor what so ever,...I'm impressed, I read the whole thread and was laughing the whole way through it, thanks for a different sort of thread.
Happy New Year to all.
Wayne.

[pmcallan]

Leave it to Beaver

My husband grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.

"I have to ask you to move your car," my husband told him.

"Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?"

"No," he replied, "it's parked in the wrong driveway."

[alinwa]

Samuel Langhorne Clemens gets my vote as the funniest man who ever lived, f'rinstance;

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

Mark Twain

more

http://www.quotationspage.com/quotes/Mark_Twain/31

dude really understood the human condition

lol

al

[pmcallan]

The Final Verdict

It was a particularly horrific crime and the judge could not refrain
from saying so to the defendant.

As the defendant was brought before him for arraignment, the judge said,
"You are charged with throwing your attorney out of a tenth-story
window."

The defendant responded, "I did it without thinking, your Honor."

The judge stated angrily, "That's no excuse! Don't you see how dangerous
it might have been! What if someone was passing underneath at the time?"