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Thread: we need a humor forum.....until then

  1. #1171
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Location
    North Eastern Australia
    Posts
    272
    What a wonderful story Al. I winced at every word.

    I once took a young friend trout fishing. Like most young people he knew it all.

    So before he put his waders on I remarked that it is hard to have a pee when wearing waders so best to have a pee beforehand.

    Like most animals, he needed a solid object to pee upon and chose the nearest fence post.

    I forgot to remind him that it was an electric fence

    * doggie *

  2. #1172
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Location
    North Eastern Australia
    Posts
    272
    This one is pretty cool.

    I took it at a a local pub.

    All gunsmiths might relate to this

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    * doggie *

  3. #1173
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    Apr 2017
    Location
    Ames, Iowa
    Posts
    682

  4. #1174
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    Jun 2013
    Location
    North Eastern Australia
    Posts
    272

    Food

    Click image for larger version. 

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    Regards * doggie *

  5. #1175
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    Feb 2003
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    Down By the Cedar River
    Posts
    1,383
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  6. #1176
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    Feb 2003
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    Down By the Cedar River
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    Shopping for wood???
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  7. #1177
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    Feb 2003
    Location
    Lower Dakota Territory
    Posts
    2,280

  8. #1178
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Location
    North Eastern Australia
    Posts
    272

    Bob Hope

    BOB HOPE

    ON TURNING 70
    'I still chase women, but only downhill.'

    ON TURNING 80
    'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'

    ON TURNING 90
    'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'

    ON TURNING 100
    'I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon.
    Then it's time for my nap.'

    ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
    'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'

    ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
    'Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover.'

    ON GOLF
    'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'

    
ON PRESIDENTS
    'I have performed for 12 presidents but entertained only six.'

    ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER
    
'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 
Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.'

    
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
    'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'

    ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
    'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'

    ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
    'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'

    ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
    'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'



    ON GOING TO HEAVEN
    'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'
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  9. #1179
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    washington.........STATE that is.
    Posts
    11,488

    After The Ball Is Over.....

    An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut,

    but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his
    cheeks are wrinkled from age.

    The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells
    the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

    When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the
    cleanest shave he's had in years.

    But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had
    swallowed that little ball.

    The barber replied,"Just bring it back in a couple of days
    like everyone else does".

  10. #1180
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    Feb 2003
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    Down By the Cedar River
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    1,383
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  11. #1181
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    upstate, N.Y.
    Posts
    3,030
    So,this guy has boarded his flight, waiting for the rest of the plane to load, notices this absolute knockout gal gets on…..heading for his row…low and behold sits down right next to him.
    As the loading continues he casually inquires what brings her to travel today?
    Well, I’m headed to Philly to the national nymphomaniacs convention as a guest speaker, speaking about my personal experiences.
    Really, the guy says, somewhat bewildered.
    For instance, she states, most consider African American men the most substantially endowed, In my experience, it is Native Americans, men with the best endurance……Mexicans, and actually the best lovers in the country…..Southern rednecks.
    Good gosh I’m telling you all this, I don’t even know your name, sticking out her hand. I’m Lindsay, and you?
    Sticking his hand out, he causally reponds……..Tonto…..Tonto Gonzales……but my friends call me Bubba.

  12. #1182
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    washington.........STATE that is.
    Posts
    11,488
    A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

    “My goodness, Anne!” He says. “How have you been?”

    “Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for five years, but we are barren.”

    “I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the great cathedral.”

    Anne thanks him, and after chatting a little longer, they part ways.

    Five years later, the priest is eating dinner when there’s a knock at his door. He opens it, and to his surprise, it’s Anne.

    “I’m so glad I found you!” She exclaims. “Remember that candle you lit for me, years ago? Well, my husband and I now have a set of twins and a set of triplets — and I just found out I’m pregnant again!”

    She then hands the priest an all-expenses paid ticket to Rome.

    “Oh Annie!” Says the priest. “Your joy is my joy. You didn’t need to give me a thank-you gift.”

    “Oh no, it’s not a thank you,” says Anne......... “It’s so you can blow out that damn candle!”

  13. #1183
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    Down By the Cedar River
    Posts
    1,383
    A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

    The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?

    The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

    The pharmacist’s eyes got big, and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

    The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

    The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription!"




  14. #1184
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
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    Down By the Cedar River
    Posts
    1,383

    Mechanic

    .
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  15. #1185
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    702

    The Nagging Wife

    The Nagging Wife

    An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning 'til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He plowed a lot.

    One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

    At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something
    rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

    This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

    The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

    'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

    'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'

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