we need a humor forum.....until then

**antelopedundee** · 04-11-2021, 09:19 PM

Wasn't it the comedian Yakov Smirnoff who said?

I enjoy being in America: it's fun, you know, because you have, you have so many things we never had in Russia — like warning shots.

Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men… there is a three year waiting list.

**antelopedundee** · 04-11-2021, 09:25 PM

**alinwa** · 04-11-2021, 11:37 PM

At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody senor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your mother's. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

SILENCE....................

"Ernesto if you broke that driver you're fired!

**alinwa** · 04-11-2021, 11:43 PM

A shipwrecked Scotsman is rescued by a Royal Navy destroyer.

He is taken to the sick bay where a beautiful young nurse is waiting.

"Our Captain wanted me to tell that he is from Aberdeen and wants his countryman to be receive the best of care. How long has it been since you had a drink of whisky?"

"Five long years my dear." The Scotsman replies.

"Well the Captain will have a bottle sent down from his personal collection," the nurse assures him. "And how long since you have had a good meal?"

"Five years again."

"You will dine in the wardroom tonight, the Captain will see to it."

The nurse then begins to unbutton her blouse and leans toward the Scotsman with a smirk, "So, how long has it been since you played around?"

The Scotsman is taken aback, "You don't mean to tell me the Captain has a golf course on the ship as well!? What a miracle!"

**alinwa** · 04-13-2021, 06:18 PM

A little girl walks into a pet shop.

She walks up to the counter and says, "Excuse me, may I buy a wabbit, pwease?"

The shopkeeper thinks this is just the cutest thing ever. "Sure," he says sweetly. "Do you want a white wabbit or a bwown wabbit?"

"It don't matter.... fink my pyfon's cowor bwind"

**antelopedundee** · 04-18-2021, 02:01 PM

**antelopedundee** · 04-19-2021, 10:31 PM

A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco.
While looking around at all the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it.
He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"
"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.
The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.
A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay.
Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay
and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.
"Ahhh," said the owner,
"You come back for story?"
"No sir," said the man,
"I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat."