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Thread: we need a humor forum.....until then

  1. #1021
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
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    washington.........STATE that is.
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    Dawgg that was a beaut..... here's an American variant just so's ya' know's we got the same sense of humor up here on the topside a' the pond


    An old man and his lawyer have a meeting with an IRS agent. (ATO tax auditor to you)

    They sit down in his office as the agent pulls out the man's tax records. "it says that the majority of your income is made by gambling, how do you manage that?".

    The man replies "I make unusual bets."

    In disbelief the agent returns "yeahh right.... and exactly how does THAT work?"

    Well, says the man, "I'll show you; I will bet you $1000 that I can bite my own eyeball."

    The agent thinks a minute and then agrees to the bet. The man pops out his glass eye and chomps down on it. The agent is surprised and disappointed.

    The man then says "you didn't know I had a fake eye, so I'll give you another chance; double or nothing that I can bite my other eye!".

    The tax agent thinks that of course he can't have two fake eyes, so he agrees.

    The old man pops out his dentures and chomps them down on his other eye. The agent is distraught, how did he fall for that?

    Seeing the agent upset the old man has another offer:

    "Tell ya what, double or nothing one more time that I can stand on one end of your desk, p!ss into the trash can on the other side without getting a drop on the desk."

    The tax agent looks at his oversized 8 foot long desk and figures there's no way he can do this, so he takes the bet.

    The man unzips, gives it a good try, but ends up urinating all over the agent's desk.

    The tax agent looks up smiling that he finally won, but then sees the lawyer, head in hands, shaking with disbelief.

    "What's wrong with you" he asked.

    The lawyer responds "just before we walked in the door he bet me $10000 that he could p!ss all over your desk and you'd be happy about it."

  2. #1022
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    811

    bidens out for a nice dinner

    The Biden’s are seated together at a nice restaurant and the waiter comes over to take their orders:

    He says to Mrs. Biden, “Good evening Dr. Biden. Have you decided on an entrée?”

    “Yes,” she replies. “I’ll have the New York strip, medium rare.”

    “Very good,” says the waiter. “And for the vegetable?”

    She answers, “Oh! He’ll have the same!””

  3. #1023
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    San Angelo, Texas (West Texas)
    Posts
    1,653

    It took a minute

    Quote Originally Posted by rsmithsr View Post
    The Biden’s are seated together at a nice restaurant and the waiter comes over to take their orders:

    He says to Mrs. Biden, “Good evening Dr. Biden. Have you decided on an entrée?”

    “Yes,” she replies. “I’ll have the New York strip, medium rare.”

    “Very good,” says the waiter. “And for the vegetable?”

    She answers, “Oh! He’ll have the same!””
    It took me a minute but that is funny!

  4. #1024
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Location
    Ames, Iowa
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    763
    Quote Originally Posted by Bill Wynne View Post
    It took me a minute but that is funny!
    A more tasteless version is who/what was Ronald Reagan's favorite vegetable?

  5. #1025
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    washington.........STATE that is.
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    A Female Horth

    A guy calls his buddy , the horse rancher , and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

    His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

    "That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."

    The midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse?

    "A female horth."

    So they go down by the lake and he shows the midget a prized filly.

    "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

    So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

    "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?" So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

    "Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?"

    The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

    "Nithe mouf, can I thee her twat?"

    Completely over the edge at this point, the rancher grabs the little guy, and chucks him over the fence into the stock pond!

    The midget struggles out of the lake, gets up, sputtering and coughing and says:

    "Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"
    Last edited by alinwa; 03-12-2021 at 07:47 PM.

  6. #1026
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Northern ND
    Posts
    11
    Took me awhile, but that's funny!

  7. #1027
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
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    Down By the Cedar River
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    1,437

    Knight Rider

    Yep
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  8. #1028
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
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    washington.........STATE that is.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dave Coots View Post
    Yep
    HOley HEinous!

    guess it's FRIDAY My Brothers.....I swear, if that showed up on the local Craigslist I'd go buy it, sawzall a couple holes for dual-opposed chicom spools to stick outa' the hood, blast her with a bone-colored post-apocolyptico paint job maybe with some pigwire mesh and metal showing thru..... roll up the boost to make her howl so hard you can feel the frame twist.

    I'd lose the dinky horns and add a wraparound curb-finder with some hooks....

    And me an' My Beloverly be out on the town.

    40mi up the road there's a restaurant that's never stooped nor bowed, no face-sac required near/on/nor in the premises....their fines are approaching a half-million dollars at this juncture and of course we go there every week just to support them. Waiting up to two hours in line to get in, laffing and chatting with other humans, partying like it was 1999.... It's a hotrod joint with a Marilyn room, an Elvis room, a Betty Boop section, photos of old racers and signed celebrity pics.....a real Wurlitzer and vanity license plates covering the walls dating back into the 50's.......Home-aid burgers over a pound. Batter-dipped fries....They make a cinnamon roll the size of a watermellion..... cars in the parking lot that would buy the joint and some so lumpy they're hard to park..... my wife's Audi looks schlumpy in that crowd..... we been looking for something stupid, the plan was always to trick out one a' the new mid-engine vettes but now that they're HERE, driving one out amongst the sheeple just don't feel fun.


    'AT's the mood we're in, me-N-her..... does this make us bad people??

    Heart of RatRod country here.....

    LOL

    al

  9. #1029
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    West central NH
    Posts
    615
    No, just sounds like the result of a youth spent immersed in Big Daddy Roth Ratfink Kustom Kar Kulture.

    Most of us of a certain age were susceptible.

    Turbo is terrific, but I'd rather be blown.

  10. #1030
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    West central NH
    Posts
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  11. #1031
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
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    washington.........STATE that is.
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    LOL

    left rear corner of one of my bikes.

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  12. #1032
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
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    washington.........STATE that is.
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    When I was a kid

    When I was a kid, my parents would always say "excuse my French" after a swear word.

    I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...

  13. #1033
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
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    Down By the Cedar River
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    Next week I may take up looting and burning...............
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  14. #1034
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
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    Down By the Cedar River
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    Dogs
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  15. #1035
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Location
    North Eastern Australia
    Posts
    326

    Cats

    If you stroke a cat you will have a permanent job.

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