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Thread: we need a humor forum.....until then

  1. #76
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Brewer Maine
    Posts
    99
    Ok, Maine hummor..
    Jim a cow farmer invites his brother, Jake A doctor from Mass up for a visit to the Farm. While making up for lost time, walking around the farm, And chatting. Jim lifts a cows tail, wipes his finger on her but and wipes it a cross his lips. Jake about falls over and becomes sick. After a few minutes Jake manages to choke out, " What the hell are you doing" ? Jim replys "it helps my chapped lips". Jake replys " putting your finger in a cows butt and wiping it on your lips cures chapped lips" ? No Jake, I didnt say it cured chapped lips, But it sure helps keep my toung of 'EM ..

    Well, as I have relatives in Newfoundland, Those of you from the Island can replace Cow with Moose ..

    Sorry folks ... Its better with a few beers ... Moose poop that is ..

    Andy B

  2. #77
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Brewer Maine
    Posts
    99
    Sorry again couldnt log out fast enough without my Wife seeing what was posting....

    After watching a TV commercial,
    Seriously, who actually wipes thier face with their toilet paper to see how soft it is before wiper thier butt ..



    If it was really meant to be a "Happy period", feminine products would vibrate ..


    And


    Time and money are like toilet paper, you run out of each just when you need it the most.

    Yup, I was born in Canada ..

    Steph B
    Last edited by Andy B; 01-13-2012 at 08:22 PM. Reason: spellin

  3. #78
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    New Hampshire
    Posts
    94
    Andy. do they still have TOS night at Stacy's?

  4. #79
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    Tennessee
    Posts
    5,205
    Two octogenarians met on the street. One said to the other - "Say, was that you or your brother that died?"

  5. #80
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Brewer Maine
    Posts
    99
    No Dammit!! Stacy's has not exsisted for several years. I think it has been about 15 years since it was torn down and a Drug store was put in. I miss the live bands and the 32oz beers. However, I still listen to TOS.

  6. #81
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Location
    Hondo, TX
    Posts
    1,552
    Andy, do me a favor, send me some of those cow seeds they use on that cow "farm". I want to grow some cows. BTW whats the growing cycle?
    I heard it with a cowboy and his horse.

  7. #82
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Southern CA
    Posts
    83
    Looks of Disappointment
    A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

    His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.'

    The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

    The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

  8. #83
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Posts
    88
    A man goes into a bar and sits down followed by an ostrich, he orders a bear and a steak the birds I will have the same
    after eating the man asks how much the bartender tells him he reaches in his pocket and gives the bartender the exact amount with 15 % tip
    the next day he comes back and again has the exact amount, this goes on for two weeks , then instead of the steak he orders chicken one day and still he has the exact change. the bartender is just busting and he blurts out how do you always have the correct amount?
    Well says the guy I found this lamp and the genie gave me three wishes and for my first i wished that however much I needed to pay a bill I would always have it

    the bartender asks so if you go to a Rolls Royce dealer and Yes I would have the exact change taxes tag and all

    bartender says wow that is smart your second wish

    A long and healthy life

    another good choice
    whats with the bird?

    oh for my third wish i wished for a chick with long legs who always agreed with me

  9. #84
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Brewer Maine
    Posts
    99
    Vern, the seeds are highly guarded. I could probably get some for you though. It appears you have plenty of the other ingredient needed, fertilizer .

    Sorry, we dont refer to them as ranches up here. I know what a horse is, Whats a Cowboy ? We have Fishermen, Logmen and Women, no "cowboys" ?
    Last edited by Andy B; 01-16-2012 at 09:29 PM. Reason: spellin again

  10. #85
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    New Hampshire
    Posts
    94
    Damn Andy!Guess nothing good lasts,eh?

  11. #86
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    washington.........STATE that is.
    Posts
    10,459
    ayuhhh, ya call a Biddefe'd man a 'boy' an he's li'ble to hiy'ut cha inna' face....

  12. #87
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Posts
    88
    there was a young lady who went for a tramp in the woods.............he chased her all day

  13. #88
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Posts
    119
    Did you see the thread "Barnes Match Bullets".............now that is humorous !!!!!!!

  14. #89
    Join Date
    Sep 2007
    Posts
    1,401
    Young man comes home from work and says " Honey, terrible day, I got fired " wife replies, "thats bad,what did you do?"
    " well " says he, " I stuck my whopper in the pickle slicer " Wife says, " Are you ok?" " yes " replies Hubby. "well, what
    happened to the pickle slicer" asks the wife. Hubby says " well they fired her too.

  15. #90
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Location
    Hondo, TX
    Posts
    1,552
    Old timers humor.
    Older man was counseling a younger man on some of his marriage problems.
    He agreed to accompany the younger man home and listen to them discuss some issues.
    They sat down and and the older man asked the wife what was one of the most frequent topics of disagreement between them. She said her cooking. The young man spouted off and said that's true she sure cant cook bread like my mama.
    The young woman snarled back and said maybe I could if you made dough like my daddy.......

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