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Thread: we need a humor forum.....until then

  1. #781
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    CA
    Posts
    310

    Woman Shot in the Head

    Woman Shot in the Head

    Babs Burnett, 23 and a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while
    there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her
    husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the car running
    and the windows rolled up. Her eyes were closed and both hands were behind
    the back of her head. Concerned, he rushed over to the car. He noticed that
    Babs’ eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked if she
    was okay; Babs replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had
    been holding her brains in for over an hour (at least it seemed that way to
    her, it actually had been 15 minutes.)

    The husband called the paramedics who broke into the car because the doors
    were locked and Babs refused to remove her hands from her head. When they
    finally got in they found Babs had a wad of bread dough on the back of
    her head. From the back seat a Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from
    the heat making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot and the wad of
    dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what
    it was she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed
    out but quickly recovered.

    Babs is blonde, a Democrat and a Joe Biden supporter... but that could be just
    coincidence. The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the entire ordeal was
    determined to be Trump's fault. Speaker Pelosi has called for hearings.

  2. #782
    Join Date
    Aug 2019
    Posts
    2

    This one has to be true

    Quote Originally Posted by lawrence w. View Post
    woman shot in the head

    babs burnett, 23 and a resident of san diego, was visiting her in-laws and while
    there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her
    husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the car running
    and the windows rolled up. Her eyes were closed and both hands were behind
    the back of her head. Concerned, he rushed over to the car. He noticed that
    babs’ eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked if she
    was okay; babs replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had
    been holding her brains in for over an hour (at least it seemed that way to
    her, it actually had been 15 minutes.)

    the husband called the paramedics who broke into the car because the doors
    were locked and babs refused to remove her hands from her head. When they
    finally got in they found babs had a wad of bread dough on the back of
    her head. From the back seat a pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from
    the heat making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot and the wad of
    dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what
    it was she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed
    out but quickly recovered.

    Babs is blonde, a democrat and a joe biden supporter... But that could be just
    coincidence. The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the entire ordeal was
    determined to be trump's fault. Speaker pelosi has called for hearings.
    :d

  3. #783
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    washington.........STATE that is.
    Posts
    10,455
    A hyena is drinking at a watering hole one day when he sees an elephant come for a drink. Close to the water, the elephant stops short and inspects a turtle for a few seconds. Then the elephant rears back and kicks the turtle clean acros't the pond.

    The hyena asks, “What did you do that for?”

    “Well,” answers the elephant, “About 80 years ago that turtle bit my foot. Today I finally found that SOB and paid him back.”

    “Eighty years! How in the name of heaven could you remember what that turtle looked like after that many years?”

    The elephant replied, “I have turtle recall.”

  4. #784
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    washington.........STATE that is.
    Posts
    10,455
    you know what makes me smile?















    my facial muscles

  5. #785
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    washington.........STATE that is.
    Posts
    10,455
    A 90-year-old man was bragging to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

    The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

    The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

    The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

  6. #786
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    washington.........STATE that is.
    Posts
    10,455
    So the Pope gets in early on his flight.

    It's a warm spring morning, thee birdies are chirrupping, the chipmunks munking, in short just a great day to be alive......

    He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

    Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

    Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."

    Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"

    Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."

    Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"

    Cop: "More important, sir."

    Chief: "A major politician?"

    Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."

    Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"








    Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

  7. #787
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    washington.........STATE that is.
    Posts
    10,455
    Since nobody seems to like my Jewisch jokes........ here's another



    Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up.

    When finished, Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?" They cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

    "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

    Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers thru the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home.

    "You tell that schmuck to drop dead!" yells the wife.

    "I'll go tell him." says Goldberg

  8. #788
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Location
    Golden Gulf Coast
    Posts
    17

    Another on for the Jewish clan.

    Abe and Bernie were having a cocktail in the clubhouse one afternoon when Bernie asked Abe, " what brought you to Miami?" Abe said that he was in the textile business in New York and a fire destroyed his warehouse and entire business, so he took the insurance money, retired and moved to Miami. Abe then asked Bernie, "what brought you to Miami? Bernie said, I was also in the textile business in New York when a flood came along and destroyed my warehouse and entire business. So, likewise, I took the insurance money, retired and moved to Miami. After thinking for a minute Abe leaned over and asked Bernie, "how do you start a flood?

  9. #789
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    near sacramento
    Posts
    177

    The sheep

    Wife walks into the living room with a sheep in her arms where her husband is watching tv. Looking at her husband she says, I’m going to sleep with this pig tonight. Husband Looks at his wife and says, honey that’s not a pig it’s a sheep, wife looks at her husband and replies, yes I know It’s a sheep, that’s who I was talking to.
    Last edited by gabe ledesma; 10-22-2019 at 03:04 AM.

  10. #790
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Location
    Ames, Iowa
    Posts
    469
    How was copper wire invented? 2 Jewish dudes fighting over a penny/cent.

  11. #791
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    washington.........STATE that is.
    Posts
    10,455
    A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of playing jokes on strangers.

    When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
    “Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!”
    No one answered.
    “Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”
    Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
    The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say, partner, before you go… what was it you done in Texas?”

    “I walked home.”

  12. #792
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    washington.........STATE that is.
    Posts
    10,455
    A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."

    Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

    The manager then drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never say we don't have something!!! If we don't have it, say "we've ordered it and it's on its way.""

    "Now, what was it she wanted?"

    The clerk answered, "Snow."

  13. #793
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    washington.........STATE that is.
    Posts
    10,455
    A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every day.

    One day, he came to and motioned her to come nearer. He whispered, eyes full of tears: “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.”

    The wife smiled softly as her husband continued, “When I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When our house burnt down, you were there. When my health started failing, you were by my side. You know what?”

    “What dear?” she gently asked.

    “I think you are bad luck!”

  14. #794
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Location
    Golden Gulf Coast
    Posts
    17
    Little boy asked his grandfather when was he going to turn into a frog. Grandfather asked why would you ask me that? Little boy says because grandma said when you croak we are going to Disney World.

  15. #795
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Location
    North Eastern Australia
    Posts
    168
    A little girl asked her father.... "Daddy, where did my intelligence come from?"

    "Well, it must have come from your mother................... because I still have all of mine!"

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