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Thread: we need a humor forum.....until then

  1. #61
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    washington.........STATE that is.
    Posts
    10,451
    Quote Originally Posted by pmcallan View Post
    While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.]After finishing their meal, they left therestaurant, and resumed their trip.

    When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly
    left her glasses on the table, and she didn'tmiss them until they had been driving forabout forty minutes.

    By then, to add to the aggravation, they
    had to travel quite a distance beforethey could find a place to turn around,in order to return to the restaurant toretrieve her glasses.

    All the way back, the elderly husband
    became the classic grouchy old man.He fussed and complained, and scoldedhis wife relentlessly during the entirereturn drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He justwouldn't let up for a single minute.

    To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
    As the woman got out of the
    car, and hurried inside to retrieve herglasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

    While you're in there, you might as well
    get my hat and the credit card.

    This coming week is National Senior Mental
    Health Week. You can do YOUR part by remembering to contact at least oneunstable Senior to show you care.

    I have
    now done MY part.
    dude that's not a joke, that's a true account....

    al

  2. #62
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Posts
    64
    From my favorite TV show. Red Green

    Quote of the Day

    "If it ain't broke, don't lend it."

    - Red Green

  3. #63
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Location
    Hondo, TX
    Posts
    1,552
    Marcel come over to Jerry Clower's house oncet and asked ole Jerry if he still did commercials for the local lumber mill. Jerry said yea, why ya askin. Marcel said you reckon they can make me a box 2" x 2" x 30' feet?
    Jerry said they might could but why in the world would a feller want box that sizer for. Marcel said well ya see my neighbor moved off last week and he left his garden hose and I wanted to ship it to him.........

  4. #64
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    ONTARIO CANADA
    Posts
    824
    Born in Newfoundland...



    A Newfoundland man is drinking in a Fort McMurray bar
    when he gets a call on his cellphone.

    He orders drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his
    wife has just produced a typical Newfoundland baby boy weighing 25
    pounds.

    Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but
    the Newfoundlander just shrugs, "That's about average
    folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Newfoundland baby boy."

    Two weeks later the Newfoundlander returns to the bar.

    The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Newfoundland
    baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin'
    bets about how big he'd be in two weeks ... so how much does he weigh now?"

    The proud father answers, " Seventeen pounds".

    The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened?
    He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

    The Newfoundland father takes a slow swig from his Molson's beer,
    wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
    " Had him circumcised ".

    God Bless Newfoundland!!!

  5. #65
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    Poetry, Tex.
    Posts
    6,414
    Breaking Sports News




    Breaking news:



    The LSU football team is trapped in New Orleans.

    Apparently someone painted a 50 yard line across I-10

  6. #66
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    New Hampshire
    Posts
    94
    a Buddist goes into a pizza joint and says,"Make me one with everything!"

  7. #67
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    aurora, co
    Posts
    3,609
    pike u r a sick sick man...lol
    Quote Originally Posted by Guy Pike View Post
    a Buddist goes into a pizza joint and says,"Make me one with everything!"

  8. #68
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Posts
    88

    old cars

    Returning from a vintage car meet in Toronto running fast on the 401 I get pulled over by a Ontario provincial police officer with a thick french accent ; He walks up to the car and asks do you know how fast you were going,? Thinking fast and remembering the french arrogance I put on my best Florida drawl and say "well I know a meter is longer than a yard by 4 inches so a kilometer must be about 16% longer than a mile the speed posted is 90 kph min and 100 max so I figured somewhere around 120 mph was the equivalent. How much too slow was I going? The officer walks back to his car and I hear him on the radio after what seams like forever he comes back gives me my papers and asks Headed for the Windsor bridge? I nod yes he says have a nice day and walks away -back on the road at 140 to Detroit not one looks at me. cross into the US and stop to use the restroom at the crossing In the bathroom there are some boarder guards laughing about the radio traffic and the stupid Floridian I turned to the one talking and said I could not tell the officer I was just driving like Canadians do when they visit Florida could I ? He looked at me said that was you? Yes walked me to my vintage MG racer said you do know I answered about 60 mph He gave me his hat!!!

  9. #69
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Uptown Bearsville, NY
    Posts
    220
    A little seal goes into a bar. What will you have, asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club......"
    A neutron goes into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says "Here ya go, no charge...."

  10. #70
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Posts
    88

    marriage

    Marriage is dealt like a deck of cards

    At first two hearts and a diamond

    after a few years

    you want a club and spade

  11. #71
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    washington.........STATE that is.
    Posts
    10,451
    Quote Originally Posted by xs hedspace View Post
    A little seal goes into a bar. What will you have, asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club......"
    A neutron goes into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says "Here ya go, no charge...."

    oooohhhh, baby seal jokes and nerd jokes, my favorites

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    A baby seal walks into a club......

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Two Hydrogen atoms were walking down the street.
    One atom trips and falls and says, "Ohh Noo... I think I lost an electron!"
    The other atom replies, "are you sure?"
    The first atoms exclaims, "I'm Positive!"
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    edited, just had to add another nerd link, a select few may find this amusing

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-yGJbkQulQw


    lol


    al
    Last edited by alinwa; 01-13-2012 at 01:58 AM.

  12. #72
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Brisbane, Australia
    Posts
    2,335
    Nobody hereabouts believed that Tiger Woods confession to having sex with 120 women. Heck, if you were the world's number one golfer, would you admit to holing out in 48 over par?

  13. #73
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Northern California
    Posts
    136
    A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.


    The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

    'You talk?' he asks.

    'Yep,' the Lab replies.


    After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

    The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.


    In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

    'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

    But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
    'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

    'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

    'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

    'Because he's a bullter . He's never been out of the yard'

  14. #74
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Northern California
    Posts
    136
    A little Girl's prayer.

    This is just too beautiful not to share.

    Dear God, please send clothes to all those poor ladies on grandpa's computer.

  15. #75
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Kentucky-Home of the Kentucky Wildcats
    Posts
    2,247
    Poor guy
    A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

    He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

    "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

    To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

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