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Thread: we need a humor forum.....until then

  1. #721
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
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    Down By the Cedar River
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    The Wall

    The wall should be made out of Russian collusion. Lots of people don't seem to be able to get over it.

  2. #722
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Location
    Ames, Iowa
    Posts
    370
    POPULATION CONTROL

    After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

    So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

    The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.

    ‘The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.

    ''Trust me,' said the doctor.
    So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
    "1"
    "2"
    "3"
    “4"
    "5"

    At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

    This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, and West Virginia.
    Last edited by antelopedundee; 05-01-2019 at 07:02 PM.

  3. #723
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
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    San Angelo, Texas (West Texas)
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    1,549
    Quote Originally Posted by Dave Coots View Post
    The wall should be made out of Russian collusion. Lots of people don't seem to be able to get over it.
    Not near as funny as it is true.

  4. #724
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    washington.........STATE that is.
    Posts
    9,974
    A man received the following text from his neighbor:

    I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. I don't get it at my house, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

    The husband, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife.

    A few moments later, a second text came in:


    "dang auto-correct. I meant "wifi" not "wife."

  5. #725
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Posts
    939
    Quote Originally Posted by antelopedundee View Post
    POPULATION CONTROL

    After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

    So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

    The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.

    ‘The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.

    ''Trust me,' said the doctor.
    So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
    "1"
    "2"
    "3"
    “4"
    "5"

    At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

    This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, and West Virginia.
    Probably wouldn't work in Iowa, they can't count that high.

  6. #726
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Location
    Ames, Iowa
    Posts
    370
    Quote Originally Posted by Greyfox View Post
    Probably wouldn't work in Iowa, they can't count that high.
    Do you know how they practice safe sex in Iowa? They put ear tags on all of the kickers.

  7. #727
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Location
    Ames, Iowa
    Posts
    370
    A dad walks into a market with his young son.The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

    A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurriedly, across the market.

    Reaching the boy, the woman pulls the boy's pants down, carefully takes hold of his testicles, and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly!

    After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

    As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her profusely, saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

    "No," she says, "Divorce attorney."

  8. #728
    Join Date
    Mar 2017
    Location
    Westchester NY and Delray FL
    Posts
    107
    “Divorce Attorney” that’s funny, my divorce was twenty years ago and I’m still coughing.

    Bob

  9. #729
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
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    Down By the Cedar River
    Posts
    1,089
    How do you sleep at night knowing people don't like you?

    Usually with no underwear so they can kiss my ass....

  10. #730
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    Apr 2017
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    Ames, Iowa
    Posts
    370
    She "do you smoke after sex?"

    He "dunno, I never looked."

  11. #731
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    washington.........STATE that is.
    Posts
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    Getting The Story Straight.....................

    When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.

    A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."

    The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon.

    "Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, "Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog."

    "Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."

    "In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read, "Yankee Kills Family Pet."

  12. #732
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    San Angelo, Texas (West Texas)
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    1,549
    Quote Originally Posted by alinwa View Post
    Getting The Story Straight.....................

    "In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read, "Yankee Kills Family Pet."
    And that's the way it is!

  13. #733
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    CA
    Posts
    718

    Crow Bars

    What did they do before "crow bars"?

    They drank at home.

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