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Thread: we need a humor forum.....until then

  1. #46
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    Jun 2003
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    Ok Al here is one you CAN laugh at.
    There was this guy who came home from church one sunday morning with a black eye.
    His wife looked at him and asked what in the world happened to you?
    The guy replied you wont believe it but as we stood up in church to sing the first hymn there was this lady standing in front of me and her dress was stuck in the crack of her a$$.
    I knew it would embarrass her if other saw it so I reached over the pew and pulled it out.
    WELL the next thing I knew she hauled off and clocked me a good one.

    That evening they guy comes home from church and the other eye is black.
    The wife looks at him and makes the comment I see you didnt learn your lesson this morning.
    He said on the contrary.
    There we were in church and just coincidentally that same woman was sitting there in front of me.
    So as we stood to sing the first hymn again I noticed this time that the dress wasnt in the crack this time so I just decided after seeing how mad she got this morning that maybe I should put it back up in the crack for her and..........

  2. #47
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    Then there is the one about the nun and the gas can
    A nun runs out of gas and so she gets out and walks down to the gas station. She asks the station attendant for a gas can but he says its been checked out and will be several hours before it is returned. So she goes back to her car and gets a bed pan and goes back to the station and fills it up with gas then goes back to her car. While she is pouring gas from bed pan into the car 2 guys are driving by and one looks at the other and says if that car starts I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life

  3. #48
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    washington.........STATE that is.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Vern View Post
    Ok Al here is one you CAN laugh at.
    There was this guy who came home from church one sunday morning with a black eye.
    His wife looked at him and asked what in the world happened to you?
    The guy replied you wont believe it but as we stood up in church to sing the first hymn there was this lady standing in front of me and her dress was stuck in the crack of her a$$.
    I knew it would embarrass her if other saw it so I reached over the pew and pulled it out.
    WELL the next thing I knew she hauled off and clocked me a good one.

    That evening they guy comes home from church and the other eye is black.
    The wife looks at him and makes the comment I see you didnt learn your lesson this morning.
    He said on the contrary.
    There we were in church and just coincidentally that same woman was sitting there in front of me.
    So as we stood to sing the first hymn again I noticed this time that the dress wasnt in the crack this time so I just decided after seeing how mad she got this morning that maybe I should put it back up in the crack for her and..........
    You're right. This is just SUCH a beauty. Ray Stevens wrote a song to it. He also did The Bricklayers Song very well. He's a funny man. He tells this one at his concerts....


    A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I`ll bet you five dollars you can`t. It`s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
    The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
    Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That`s from your Grandma."

  4. #49
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    And a "true story" to answer yours

    Get Out Of The Car
    (This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida) An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable.

    !!


    al

  5. #50
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    al,

    Not trying to top yours, but I recall reading years back (probably Readers Digest) about the shopper who was picked up for car theft after leaving a large shopping center. Seems she went to the wrong bay & just lucked into finding the identical model auto as hers in the identical color with the identical ignition key.

    John

  6. #51
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    washington.........STATE that is.
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    Ohhhh, top away John....... it's how stories and jokes are told!

  7. #52
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    Mar 2003
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    so. california desert
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    A REAL WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM

    guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

    The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
    The sign reads, ‘If you can catch me, you can have me.’
    Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
    On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

    He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
    The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing butReebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, ‘If you catch me you can have me’.
    Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
    Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

    ‘Are you sure?’ asks the representative on the phone. This is our most rigorous program.’
    ‘Absolutely,’ he replies, ‘I haven’t felt this good in years.’

    The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, ‘If I catch you, you’re mine.’

    He lost 63 pounds that week.

  8. #53
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    Feb 2003
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    1,856
    My grand kids got a real laugh from this... you need sound... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ivu5LDQeHJ4

  9. #54
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    Jul 2010
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    I'm sure most of you guy have seen these , but in case you did not. freeken hilarious......

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZiavoHy9Zgw
    Last edited by mark-x; 01-06-2012 at 09:57 PM.

  10. #55
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    Quote Originally Posted by mark-x View Post
    I'm sure most of you guy have seen these , but in case you did not. freeken hilarious......

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZiavoHy9Zgw
    Now THOSE are funny!

    al

  11. #56
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    Jul 2003
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    Misplaced . . .
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    When I was a boy, my mother was friends with a family a couple houses down the street. Their youngest boy, even at the age of 2, didn't speak at all. They took him to a lot of different doctors, and as best anyone could tell, there wasn't anything physically wrong with him -- can be hard to tell when the patient doesn't speak. The tentative diagnosis was a psychological problem.


    Well, anyway, one morning when he was about five, he said "The toast is burnt." His mother cried "Johnny, you can talk!" Father & siblings rushed into the kitchen. After the clamor quieted a bit, his mother asked him why this was the first time he'd ever said anything. "Up 'till now" he replied, "everything's been pretty good."

    * * *

    Maybe why some of the best shooters don't post?

  12. #57
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    Jan 2010
    Location
    Austin TX
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    Arsenic For Sale

    This gal walks into the drugstore and tells the pharmacist she wants to buy some arsenic.

    He says, "What do you want with arsenic?"

    She said "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me by having sex with another woman."

    The pharmacist says, "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband lady, even if he is having sex with another woman."

    So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife.

    The pharmacist says "Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription."

  13. #58
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Posts
    257
    The TV remote

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The wife and I were at home watching TV.


    I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.


    She became more and more annoyed and finally said:

    "For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel! You already know how to fish!"

  14. #59
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    aurora, co
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    3,609
    The debt ceiling explained:

    Democrats don't understand THE DEBT CEILING.
    Republicans don't understand THE DEBT CEILING.
    Liberals don't understand THE DEBT CEILING.
    Neocons don't understand THE DEBT CEILING.

    Allow me to explain

    Let's say, you come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in your neighborhood.

    Your home has sewage all the way up to your ceilings.

    What do you think you should do? Raise the ceilings or pump out the schit?

    Your choice is coming next November. Don't miss the opportunity.

  15. #60
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Austin TX
    Posts
    36
    While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.]After finishing their meal, they left therestaurant, and resumed their trip.

    When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly
    left her glasses on the table, and she didn'tmiss them until they had been driving forabout forty minutes.

    By then, to add to the aggravation, they
    had to travel quite a distance beforethey could find a place to turn around,in order to return to the restaurant toretrieve her glasses.

    All the way back, the elderly husband
    became the classic grouchy old man.He fussed and complained, and scoldedhis wife relentlessly during the entirereturn drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He justwouldn't let up for a single minute.

    To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
    As the woman got out of the
    car, and hurried inside to retrieve herglasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

    While you're in there, you might as well
    get my hat and the credit card.

    This coming week is National Senior Mental
    Health Week. You can do YOUR part by remembering to contact at least oneunstable Senior to show you care.

    I have
    now done MY part.

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