i ain't goin' there...
If I died now, my wife would kill me. I still have 14 and 11 yr old boys in the house and I'm 56. Randy
Last edited by Rewinder; 12-16-2011 at 12:58 AM.
Piles was an old term that referred to hemroids
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street,
when a little girl on her new shiny bike
stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed
the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year,
tell Santa to put
a reflector light on the back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Nice horse you've got there. Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said:
'Next year tell SANTA;
The dick goes underneath the horse,
not on top'!!!
I have to post this. I ask for a little latitude from our Canadian members:
The Difference if You Marry a Newfoundland Girl...
Three friends married women from different parts of the world.
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didnít see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Newfoundland. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didnít see anything, the second day he didnít see anything either; but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees...
Here I thought you guys said good humor and had my heart set on one of their toasted almond bars the only snow we get here falls from Avianca planes
Helpful hints to fellow geezer hunters: Making too much noise walking thru those dead leaves? Just turn off your hearing aid.
Take a viagra before going into the woods. Keeps yer boots drier when you have to pee.
Take a gingko memory pill, too, so you remember which pocket your cough medicine is in, and which pocket has the doe-in-heat buck lure.
And the best game call sounds just like a thermos bottle cap being unscrewed.
Somehow the truth hurts, and this may be it.
In the coming New Year, 2012, both Groundhog Day and the State of
the Union address will occur on the same day.
This is an ironic juxtaposition of events.
One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an
insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication.
The other involves a groundhog.
Bill that reminds me of the old Lawyer joke
Whats the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One is a scum sucking bottom dweller the other is a fish.
Y'know" said the Scotsman," I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman,"at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhhhh, that's nothing," said the Irishman."Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid; all on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims, but he swears every word is true.
"Well," asked the Englishman,"did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman."But it did happen to me sister."
A gunsmith walks into a pet shop. "I work and live alone at home and I get lonely" he says to the owner. "I was thinking maybe a nice singing bird would be nice, what do you have?" The owner takes him to a bird that tweets beautifully. "Wow, I'll take it" says the gunsmith, "how much is it?" The owner tells him the bird is $500.00. "Damn thats way to much" says the gunsmith, "got anything cheaper?" "Well I've got this other one here, it sings nice but not near as well as the first one" the owner says. The gunsmith listens to the 2nd bird. "Your right, it's not as good but I guess it will do, how much for this one" says the gunsmith? "This one is $200.00" says the owner. "Holy Smokes!! thats still too much" says the gunsmith. The owner takes him to the last bird. "This bird can't sing worth crap but you can have him for $2.00" he says. The gunsmith listens the the 3rd bird. "Wow, you wern't kidding, this bird sings aufull" he says. "Let me ask you a question" the gunmith says, "these 3 birds all look the same yet thet all sing diferently, why is that" The owner replies "It's all in the beak, you'll notice the great singing bird has a super smooth beak, bird #2's beak is a little wavy and the last birds beak is all bumpy and ugly. "What if" the gunsmith says "one was to machine the bumpy birds beak so it was nice and smooth. Would it then be able to sing beautifully?" The owner replies. "Well, theoretically yes, but there is a nerve running under the beak. If one machined too far they would hit the nerve and kill the bird. I would not recomend it." The gunsmith proudly says "I am a Master Gunsmith!! I can easily machine things to .0001, I'll take that $2.00 bird and make him tweet like an angel!!!
The next day the gunsmith walks back into the pet store with his head hung low. "Let me guess, the bird is dead" says the owner. "Yes, it's dead" the gunsmith says. "See, I told you. If you machine too far and hit that nerve the bird will die" says the owner. "Oh, thats not what killed it" says the gunsmith. "Well why is it dead" the owner replies. "Because" says the gunsmith "I crushed his head in the vise!"