Page 14 of 53 FirstFirst ... 4121314151624 ... LastLast
Results 196 to 210 of 790

Thread: we need a humor forum.....until then

  1. #196
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Maine
    Posts
    222
    POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON

    Congressmen should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers so we can
    identify their corporate sponsors

  2. #197
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Group W Bench
    Posts
    127
    Subject: Job evaluations

    These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance
    evaluations...

    "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
    started to dig."


    "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"


    "I would not allow this employee to breed"


    "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
    definite won't be"


    "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
    trap"


    "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"


    "This young lady has delusions of adequacy"


    "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
    them"


    "This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"


    "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"


    "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"


    "He's been working with glue too much"


    "He would argue with a signpost"


    "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"


    "If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"


    "A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"


    "A prime candidate for natural deselection"


    "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"


    "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"


    "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"


    "Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes"

  3. #198
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Posts
    187
    This isn't really a joke. It's a true story. I was there. Even now, years later, people who are familiar with the case will break out into a gigantic smile when you remind them of it. Maybe it doesn't belong in a joke thread but those of us involved got more laughs out of it than an hour with George Carlin, so...

    Quote Originally Posted by davejones View Post
    ...These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations...

    "This young lady has delusions of adequacy"...
    If you work for the Feds, your grade and pay are determined by the difficulty and responsibility of your job. There are volumes of job descriptions, each assigned a number, a name, and a numerical pay grade.

    The scale is theoretically 1 to 19 but, in practice, the janitors and messengers who were once grades 1 and 2 have now been replaced by email or contractors. Above 15, most employees enter a different "executive" system with different rules. The numbers are set by independent auditors from the Office of Personnel Management.

    We had a young lady who was a grade 9 and was convinced that the work she did was so important, so complex, and so difficult that she should be a grade 11. She went so far as to file a union grievance over the problem. Beyond that, she was so convinced of the rightness of her cause that she demanded a "desk audit."

    If you've ever worked for a federal agency, that phrase will stop your heart. During a desk audit, an independent observer from OPM follows you for 1 or 2 weeks, noting *everything* you do, and makes a decision as to the correct grade of your job. Their decision can't be appealed. *Nobody* actually asks for a desk audit unless they are absolutely sure the work they are doing is so far above their pay grade that the current situation is a gross injustice.

    Or unless they have delusions of grandeur.

    OPM spent 2 weeks observing this grade 9 employee who devoutly believed she should be an 11 or higher. Then they delivered their findings.

    They downgraded the job to grade 5.

  4. #199
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Maine
    Posts
    222
    Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

    The first hunter says ' Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?'

    The second hunter says' I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.'

    The first hunter says ' There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see'.

    So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
    They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.
    As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.

    While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
    'Say there', says the farmer, 'you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?'

    The first hunter says ' Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!'

    And the old farmer says, ' Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission! '

  5. #200
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    washington.........STATE that is.
    Posts
    10,399
    Probably the same two rednecks that were taped in this 911 call;

    "Hello, 911 Emergency, can I help you?"

    "Please help me ma'am, we're out on the 10 Road above Keller lake about a mile off the road and my buddy just shot himself. He ain't breathin' or nuthin', I think he's dead!"

    "OK, OK, now settle down. Take a couple deep breaths"...."Now, the first thing is, we need to make sure he's really dead."

    "Boom."

    "Ok ma'am, now what?"

  6. #201
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Maine
    Posts
    222
    An Irishman is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his
    watch several times in the space of a few minutes.

    The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
    'No,' he replies, 'I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.' The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch?
    What's so special about it?'

    The Irishman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

    The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
    'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

    The woman giggles and replies, 'Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!' < /B>

    The Irishman smirks , taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's running about an hour fast.
    Can I buy you a drink

  7. #202
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Group W Bench
    Posts
    127
    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ______________________________

    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
    WITNESS: July 18th.
    ATTORNEY: What year?
    WITNESS: Every year.
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    ___________________________________
    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
    WITNESS: Forty-five years.
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan.
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ___________________________________
    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
    ________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Uh....
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work
    . ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Huh?
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

  8. #203
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    washington.........STATE that is.
    Posts
    10,399
    That made me smile.

    Big.


    al

  9. #204
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Posts
    31
    Here's one to lighten your day.

    The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
    The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
    The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
    I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
    The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
    Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
    The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
    Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
    Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
    Now the auditor can tell Grandpa is not blind, so he takes the bet.
    Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye..
    The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grand-pa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
    'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
    The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there is no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
    Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the waste-basket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
    The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
    But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
    'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
    'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

    Moral of the story: Don't mess with Old People!

  10. #205
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    washington.........STATE that is.
    Posts
    10,399
    That made me smile


    BIGGER!!


    al

  11. #206
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    washington.........STATE that is.
    Posts
    10,399
    WOMEN


    A real woman is a man's best friend.
    She will never stand him up and never let him down.
    She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him
    after a bad day.
    She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to
    live without fear and forget regret.
    She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to
    his most intimate desires.
    She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most
    handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident,
    sexy, seductive and

    invincible...





    No wait...Sorry.





    I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shi....


    Never mind.


    al

  12. #207
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    Poetry, Tex.
    Posts
    6,387
    TEXAS BEER JOINT SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!

    A bar called Drummond's (in Mt Vernon, Texas) began construction on an expansion of their building, hoping to "grow" their business. In response, the local Southern Baptist Church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding - petitions, prayers, etc. About a week before the bar's grand re-opening, a bolt of lightning struck the bar and burned it to the ground!

    Afterward, the church folks were rather smug - bragging about "the power of prayer". The angry bar owner eventually sued the church on grounds that the church... "Was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, through direct actions or indirect means." Of course, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

    The judge read carefully through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply. He then opened the hearing by saying: "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that what we have here is a bar owner who now believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not."

    True story!!

  13. #208
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Nebraska
    Posts
    585

  14. #209
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    Poetry, Tex.
    Posts
    6,387
    And your point is? It may be fun for you to check all of the jokes posted with snoops and post your results.

  15. #210
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Posts
    187
    http://oldjewstellingjokes.com/
    Don't click the link unless you've got lots of time to kill.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •