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Thread: we need a humor forum.....until then

  1. #151
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    Berks Cty, Pa
    Posts
    202
    A guy climbs onto a bar stool and asks the bartender for a draft. He says, " while you're at it, give that Douche Bag at the end of the bar a drink too".
    The bartender gets huffy, and says, " hold on they buddy, we don't treat ladies like that here". The customer say's, "sorry, but get her a drink anyway".
    The bartender approaches the woman and asks what she is drinking, that the gentleman at the other end of the bar would like to buy her a drink. She say's, "how nice, I'll have a vinegar and water".

  2. #152
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Maine
    Posts
    221
    A lobster fisherman from Maine gets pulled over by a New Hampshire State Trooper for speeding.
    The trooper started to lecture the lobster fisherman about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the lobster fisherman feel uncomfortable.

    Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

    The lobster fisherman says, "Havin' some problem with them circle flies?"
    The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I've never heard of circle flies."

    "Well, sir," the lobster fisherman replies, "circle flies hang around farms. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
    The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and asks, "Are you callin' me a horse's ass?"

    "No, sir," the lobster fisherman replies, "Have too much respect for law enforcement to call you a horse's ass."
    "That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.
    After a long pause, the lobster fisherman, in his best Maine drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though".

  3. #153
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Southern Minn
    Posts
    950
    Quote From G&A this month (April) pg 40. "The modern "plastic and aluminum" AR-like this Remington R1 (top)pics'"sic"- is inherently more accurate than any traditional bolt action".
    Last edited by Roger T; 03-03-2012 at 11:44 PM.

  4. #154
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    Apr 2007
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    Maine
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    221
    That is funny !!

  5. #155
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Posts
    31

    Learning from kids

    I was sitting on the porch the other day when a neighbor kid came by with a roll of duct tape.....I asked what he was going to do and he replied "I'm gonna get me some ducks"!

    I tried to explain to him about this idea but he was resolute and off he went!

    A few hours later he came back with a mess of mallards tangled up in the "duct tape".....I just watched in awe as he smartly walked by!

    The next day he came by with some chicken wire and I asked what he had in mind.....and he replied that he was going to get some chickens.....

    It tried once more to explain the folley of his thinking but again he ignored me and went about his way.

    A few hours later he came back with a whole lot of chickens tangled in the wire.....and smiled as he passed me!

    So now I'm scratching my head in wonder.....but on the third day he came by with a bunch of sticks with small buds on them and I asked what he had and he replied...."pussy willows"

    I hollered out...."Wait up there kid.....I'm coming with you!"

  6. #156
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    aurora, co
    Posts
    3,609
    no its the truth...no bedding. free float bbl, good trigger...the COMMERCIAL R1 is not like an m16/ar15.........
    do not confuse facts with old wives tales and limited experience....( ok we shsould never say "any traditional" maybe most traditional would work.

    mik ein co
    Quote Originally Posted by Roger T View Post
    Quote From G&A this month (April) pg 40. "The modern "plastic and aluminum" AR-like this Remington R1 (top)pics'"sic"- is inherently more accurate than any traditional bolt action".

  7. #157
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    aurora, co
    Posts
    3,609
    and now on to humor...

    The Pope and Obama are on the same
    stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

    The Pope leans towards
    Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand
    I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not
    be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll
    forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

    Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that!
    With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"�

    So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

    AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was
    happiness throughout the land!

    Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

  8. #158
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Posts
    88
    While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped

    at a roadside restaurant for lunch.

    After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.



    When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly

    left her glasses on the table, and she didn't

    miss them until they had been driving for

    about forty minutes.



    By then, to add to the aggravation, they

    had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around,

    in order to return to the restaurant to

    retrieve her glasses.



    All the way back, the elderly husband

    became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded

    his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her,

    the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.



    To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

    As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,



    "While you're in there, you might as well

    get my hat and the credit card."

  9. #159
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    washington.........STATE that is.
    Posts
    11,985
    Two old British bluebloods were discussing tiger hunting in India in the old days of the British Raj.

    "I say, Farnsworth, " says Smedley, " I recall I was on safari deep in the jungle when I came upon the largest Bengal Tiger I had ever seen."

    "Zounds Smedley!" said Farnsworth, " Whatever did you do?"

    "Well old chap" continued Smedley, " I raised my rifle, aimed right between that blighter's eyes and fired, but as luck would have it, my powder must have gotten wet in the monsoon, and the rifle misfired."

    "Hard cheese, Smedley!, " said Farnsworth, " What happened then?"

    "The tiger saw me and gave chase," Smedley embellished, "I took flight as fast as my feet would carry me, and just when it seemed he was upon me, he slipped, and I gained a bit of a lead. Then as he was catching up, he slipped again and I made a clean escape into the nearest Ghurka outpost."

    " I say! " exclaimed Farnsworth, " Jolly good luck! I have to confide though, Smedley, had I been in your position, I dare say I would have shat my trousers!"

    "Dear boy," concluded Smedley, "what do you think the tiger was slipping on?"
    Last edited by alinwa; 03-08-2012 at 03:59 AM.

  10. #160
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    washington.........STATE that is.
    Posts
    11,985

    and another ethnic joke

    Read it clear thru, bear with me


    In the Deep South:

    A bus stops and two Italian travelers get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversations. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

    "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

    "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

    "Hey, coola dow'na lady," said the man. "I'ma just tellun my friend how to spell'a Mississippi."

  11. #161
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    West Virginia & North Carolina
    Posts
    102
    What is the 3 worst word in the world to hear when you are making love?

    HONEY, I'M HOME

  12. #162
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Brisbane, Australia
    Posts
    2,396
    Definition of sophistication: You come home, walk into your bedroom & find your wife entertaining another man.

    "Please continue", you say as you leave the room.

    Definition of ultimate sophistication: You are plowing a foreign field when her husband walks in & says, "Please continue" - and you can!

  13. #163
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Location
    Hondo, TX
    Posts
    1,552
    Sitting together on a train was Obama, a Texan, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

    The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

    The old lady thinks:
    Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

    The blonde girl thinks:
    Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.

    Obama thinks:
    The Texan must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

    The Texan thinks:
    I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can slap Obama again

  14. #164
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Posts
    1,881
    A little boy about 12 years old is walking down
    the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up
    to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.


    When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he
    wanted.

    He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside.
    I have the money to pay, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

    The
    Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told
    him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls
    have any diseases?'

    Of course the Madam said 'No'.

    The boy
    said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after
    making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'

    Since the little
    boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him
    to go to the first room on the right.

    He headed down the hall
    dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back,
    still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed towards the door.


    The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in
    the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

    He said,
    'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going
    out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
    After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just
    happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the
    disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take
    the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and
    he'll catch the disease.

    Then when Dad gets home from the baby-
    sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch
    it.

    In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver
    the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the
    prick who ran over my FROG!'
    Lynn

  15. #165
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Southern Minn
    Posts
    950
    A guy walks into a bar in Kentucky and orders a white wine.... All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.... The bartender says , "You ain't from around here, are ya?".....The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."...the bartender say, "What you do in Canada?".....The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist.".....The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?
    " No"",says the Canadian A" taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals"......The bartender grins and hollers, "It's OK boys he's one of us"

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