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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
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    aurora, co
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    3,609

    we need a humor forum.....until then

    Subject: Traffic Jam in Washington

    A driver is stuck in a traffic jam in Washington DC . Nothing is moving!
    Suddenly, a man knocks on the car window. The driver rolls down his window and asks "What's going on"?
    ''Terrorists down the road have kidnapped all the members of our Congress, they're asking for $10 million in ransom". "Otherwise, they're going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire"!
    "We're going from car to car taking up a collection".
    The driver asks "How much is everyone giving, on average"?
    ''Most people are giving about two gallons"!

  2. #2
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    Nov 2006
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    ME
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    Quote Originally Posted by FBecigneul View Post
    Why Michael, I find most of what you post is humorous.
    If he's humorous, you are hillarious!

  3. #3
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    Why, Francis, that's not true. Much of what he writes is redundant.

    (Oh, Maybe Mike wants a good humor forum. No, that's ice cream; not what I meant. A humor forum with good writing.)

  4. #4
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    so. california desert
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    i could use a good humerus...

  5. #5
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    kentucky
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    Quote Originally Posted by FBecigneul View Post
    I could use a good humerus too, I broke mine right at the elbow December 19, 1954 at St. Michael's in the first period and it didn't heal right.
    Oh, heel right is different. That's the optomitrus. Well, it starts with O.
    Well, that may explain it. 20 years ago a podiatrist at Ft. Bragg cut off a chunk of excess bone on my right heel with a hammer and chisel. No kidding. I thought he was kidding. He wasn't kidding. I mean, one minute I'm laying on my belly and worrying about the design of the gown and accidentally impressing the nurses and such, and the next minute I hear the sound of steel on steel as my leg gets violently yanked. I whirled around and said "what are you DOING?!?" "Uh, Sir?" He said, "I told you I was going to do this with a hammer and chisel." I said, "I thought you were KIDDING, sir!?!" "No son, I wasn't kidding". And back to work that pesky sculptor went........

    Sooooo, what'cher saying is I should have gone to the optometrist?! Man, I never saw that coming..............

  6. #6
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    Dec 2007
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    Damn lucky you didn't have piles!

  7. #7
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    Mar 2003
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    so. california desert
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    Quote Originally Posted by John Kielly View Post
    Damn lucky you didn't have piles!
    Piles of what? brass? lead?

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
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    Quote Originally Posted by mike in co View Post
    Subject: Traffic Jam in Washington

    A driver is stuck in a traffic jam in Washington DC . Nothing is moving!
    Suddenly, a man knocks on the car window. The driver rolls down his window and asks "What's going on"?
    ''Terrorists down the road have kidnapped all the members of our Congress, they're asking for $10 million in ransom". "Otherwise, they're going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire"!
    "We're going from car to car taking up a collection".
    The driver asks "How much is everyone giving, on average"?
    ''Most people are giving about two gallons"!
    This takes me back a few years ago when Bill Walton was still doing NBA broadcast's before he got fired, on something this horrific he would state "That's Horrrrrible, That's Terrrrrible !!!!!!!!!
    Guess M.I.C. remembers also, or so he should.

  9. #9
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    Jun 2003
    Location
    Hondo, TX
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    1,552
    2 Irishmen sitting in a life boat marooned at sea for about a week.
    Sean looks over the side and sees a genie’s bottle. H snatches it up and promptly pops the cork hoping for a strong drink. Instead out pops the genie. He states that he has only been in the bottle a short time and so is only willing to grant one wish. Immediately Sean blurts out I wish the whole ocean was made of Guinness.
    And with that the genie snapped his fingers and poof the whole sea turned into Guinness. Shames looks at Sean and roars “now look what you did you idget, now we will have to pee in the boat.”……

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
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    Hondo, TX
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    A Texan walks into a Pub and looks around and decides to make a wager. He clears his throat and says loudly “I’ll give $10,00 to any man that can drink 12 Guinness back to back. No one stirs and finally this little guy gets up and walks out of the pub. About an hour later he comes walking back in and walks up to the Texan and asks “Is your offer for the $10,000 still open”.
    The Texan looks surprised and says to the man “You were here when I made the offer but you only just left the pub. Where did you go?” The little guy looks around sheepishly and says “Well I wasn’t quite sure I could do it so I went down the street to another pub and practiced a couple of times first.”

    And yes I am Irish

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    S.E. Washington State
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    Quote Originally Posted by mike in co View Post
    Subject: Traffic Jam in Washington

    A driver is stuck in a traffic jam in Washington DC . Nothing is moving!
    Suddenly, a man knocks on the car window. The driver rolls down his window and asks "What's going on"?
    ''Terrorists down the road have kidnapped all the members of our Congress, they're asking for $10 million in ransom". "Otherwise, they're going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire"!
    "We're going from car to car taking up a collection".
    The driver asks "How much is everyone giving, on average"?
    ''Most people are giving about two gallons"!
    Mike,
    I had no clue you had any humor what so ever,...I'm impressed, I read the whole thread and was laughing the whole way through it, thanks for a different sort of thread.
    Happy New Year to all.
    Wayne.

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Austin TX
    Posts
    36
    Leave it to Beaver

    My husband grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.

    "I have to ask you to move your car," my husband told him.

    "Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?"

    "No," he replied, "it's parked in the wrong driveway."

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    washington.........STATE that is.
    Posts
    10,265
    Samuel Langhorne Clemens gets my vote as the funniest man who ever lived, f'rinstance;

    Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

    Mark Twain


    more

    http://www.quotationspage.com/quotes/Mark_Twain/31

    dude really understood the human condition

    lol

    al

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Austin TX
    Posts
    36
    The Final Verdict

    It was a particularly horrific crime and the judge could not refrain
    from saying so to the defendant.

    As the defendant was brought before him for arraignment, the judge said,
    "You are charged with throwing your attorney out of a tenth-story
    window."

    The defendant responded, "I did it without thinking, your Honor."

    The judge stated angrily, "That's no excuse! Don't you see how dangerous
    it might have been! What if someone was passing underneath at the time?"



  15. #15
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    Jun 2003
    Location
    Hondo, TX
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    1,552

    What next?

    BOSTON (CBS) – A 7-year-old boy is being investigated by his South Boston elementary school for possible sexual harassment after kicking another boy in the crotch.
    UPDATE: Boy To Be Transferred To New School
    The first grader’s mother, Tasha Lynch, says she was shocked by the school’s decision.
    “He’s 7 years old. He doesn’t know anything about sexual harassment,” she said.
    Lynch’s son, Mark Curran, said the boy that he kicked had been bullying him on the school bus ride home from Tynan Elementary last week.
    “He just all of a sudden came up to him, choked him. He wanted to take his gloves, and my son said, ‘I couldn’t breathe, so I kicked him in the testicles,’” said his mother.
    Lynch described a phone call she received from the school explaining that the case will be treated like sexual harassment, due to what it considers inappropriate touching.
    “‘Your son kicked a little boy in the testicles. We call that sexual harassment,’” Lynch said the school told her.
    She said she’s been asked to attend a disciplinary hearing at the school Monday.
    A Boston Public Schools spokesperson said officials are investigating, but won’t comment further, since it’s a private matter.
    Lynch wants an apology and better supervision on the school bus to prevent such fights among students.
    “He couldn’t breathe. He was trying to defend himself,” she said. “I don’t find that sexual harassment. I find that defending himself.”

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