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Thread: we need a humor forum.....until then

  1. #796
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Location
    Golden Gulf Coast
    Posts
    22
    If my body is ever found on a jogging trail, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body dumped there.

  2. #797
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    158
    a couple was invited to a posh fancy dress costume party.

    The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.


    He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.


    The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.

    Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

    She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice looking woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

    His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.


    Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.
    So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

    Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

    She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.'- 'Did you dance much?'- 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys and we went into the den and played poker all evening.

    But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to....

  3. #798
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Location
    Ames, Iowa
    Posts
    492
    IRISH FARMER!

    An elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that,
    They suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
    On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
    “Tell me about your staff,” he asked old Farmer
    “Well,” said the old man,
    “there’s the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
    Then there’s the housekeeper.
    She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
    There’s also the half-wit.
    He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whiskey and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife.”
    “That’s disgraceful,” said the inspector,
    “I need to interview half-wit.”
    “That’ll be me then,” said old Farmer.

  4. #799
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    washington.........STATE that is.
    Posts
    10,992

    It Snowed, So I Made a Snowman

    8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

    8:15 - So, I made a snow woman, too.

    8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

    8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it should have been two snow men instead.

    8:22 - The transgender man…woman...person...asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

    8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

    8:28 - I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

    8:31 - The Muslim across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa.

    8:40 - The Police arrive saying someone has been offended.

    8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

    8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

    8:45 - TV news crew from the ABC station shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

    9:00 - Now I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobic, sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

    9:10 - I am being asked if I have any accomplices......dark-eyed men are giving me meaningful and earnest scrutiny while speaking quietly into their throat mics....

    9:29 - Far left protesters And Muslim ‘immigrants’, offended by everything, are marching down the street demanding that I be beheaded.

    Folks are shoving mics in my face and frothing at me.......I refuse to speak to anyone at this point for fear the term "snowflake" might slip out.

    I'm waiting for all the kids and grandkids to get here so's we can lock ourselves in and whisper Christmas Carols..........

    so "existentially ephemeral feelings upon all ye's humans and sentient beings out there on this most innocuous of all holi"_ooops_ "days" and "May The Benevolent Non-Existent Feeling-Of-Warmth Beam Radiance and Warmness Upon Ye's All's This, umm, this, umm.... THIS IMPENDING 24hr SPAN!!"


    God Bless




    al

  5. #800
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Northern California
    Posts
    156

    Robot Bartender

    A guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there is a robot bartender.
    The robot says,
    “What will you have?
    The guy replies, “Whiskey.”
    The robot brings back his drink and asks,
    “What’s your IQ?”
    The guy say, “168.”
    The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.
    After the guy leaves and the more he thinks about it, the more curious he gets, so he decides to go back.
    The robot asks,
    “What’s your drink?”
    The guy answers,
    “Whiskey.”
    The robot returns with his drink and asks,
    “What’s your IQ?”
    The man replies,“120.”
    The robot talks about NASCAR, Budweiser, the Saints, and LSU.
    The man finishes his drink, leaves, but is so interested in his “experiment” that he decides to try again.
    He enters the bar and, as usual, the robot asks him what he want to drink.
    The man replies,
    “Whiskey.”
    The robot brings the drink and asks,
    “What’s your IQ?”
    The man answers,100”.
    The robot leans in real close and asks,
    “So . . . Do you folks really think you’re going to impeach Donald Trump?

  6. #801
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Northern California
    Posts
    156

    Country Tour.

    Nancy Pelosi called Adam Schiff into her office one day recently and said, "Adam, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2020!"
    "Great Nancy, but how?" asked Adam.
    "We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."
    So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman, Montana.
    With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Adam Schoff and Nancy Pelosi?"
    "Yes we are!" said Nancy, "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Adam suggested we stop and take in some local opinions ."
    They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.
    A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the
    Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.
    For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.
    Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"
    Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two ass holes!"

  7. #802
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Location
    Ames, Iowa
    Posts
    492
    Trump finally breaks down and visits a remote indian rez. With news crews following him around as they tour the place, the potus asks the chief if there was anything the people need.


    "Well," says the chief, "We have three very important needs. First, we have a medical clinic, but no doctor."

    Trump whips out his phone, dials a number, talks to somebody for two minutes and then hangs up. "I've pulled some strings. Your doctor will arrive in a few days. Now what was the second problem?"

    "We have no way to get clean water. The local mining operation has poisoned the water our people been drinking for thousands of years. We've been flying bottled water in, and it's terribly expensive."

    Once again, Trump dials a number, yells into the phone for a few minutes, and then hangs up. "The mine has been shut down, and the owner is being billed for setting up a purification plant for your people. Now what was that third problem?"

    "We have no cellphone reception up here," the chief says.

  8. #803
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Location
    Ames, Iowa
    Posts
    492
    A woman is sitting at her husband’s funeral. A man leans in and asks her, “Do you mind if I say a word?”

    “No, go right ahead,” the widow replies.

    The man stands, clears his throat and says, “Plethora” and then sits back down.

    “Thank you,” the woman says, “that means a lot to me”

  9. #804
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    washington.........STATE that is.
    Posts
    10,992
    Quote Originally Posted by antelopedundee View Post
    A woman is sitting at her husband’s funeral. A man leans in and asks her, “Do you mind if I say a word?”

    “No, go right ahead,” the widow replies.

    The man stands, clears his throat and says, “Plethora” and then sits back down.

    “Thank you,” the woman says, “that means a lot to me”
    You got me!


    beayoootiful

  10. #805
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    washington.........STATE that is.
    Posts
    10,992
    A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.

    If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

    She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,

    "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

    He answered, "That's okay."

    "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

    She then went through the checkout and, as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Good-bye, Mom."

    The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

    Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

    "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

    "That can't be right... I only bought 5 items."

    The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

  11. #806
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    washington.........STATE that is.
    Posts
    10,992
    Jack finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.
    One evening, after their honeymoon, he was working on his motorcycle in the garage, just for fun.
    His new wife was standing there at the workbench watching him.
    After a long period of silence she finally spoke:
    "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should also consider selling your motorcycle along with your gun collection and all that stupid fishing gear."
    Jack got a strange quizzical look on his face.
    She asked, "Darling, what's wrong?"
    He replied, “For a minute there you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
    "Ex-wife!" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
    Jack replied: "I wasn't."

  12. #807
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    158
    An assistant to Nancy Pelosi told her she had a fantastic dream last night.

    There was a humongous parade in Washington celebrating Pelosi. Millions lined the parade route, cheering when Nancy went past. Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere. It was the biggest celebration Washington had ever seen.

    Nancy was very impressed and said, "That's really great! By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?"

    Her assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed."

  13. #808
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Posts
    799
    Quote Originally Posted by rsmithsr View Post
    An assistant to Nancy Pelosi told her she had a fantastic dream last night.

    There was a humongous parade in Washington celebrating Pelosi. Millions lined the parade route, cheering when Nancy went past. Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere. It was the biggest celebration Washington had ever seen.

    Nancy was very impressed and said, "That's really great! By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?"

    Her assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed."
    Wish List?

  14. #809
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Northern California
    Posts
    156
    We can dream can't we??

  15. #810
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    NY State
    Posts
    147
    Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with queenly large breasts.
    Nick, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
    He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
    One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.
    Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 100 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
    The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
    Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
    The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.
    Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next two hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
    The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by both the King & Queen as a hero.
    Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 100 gold coins.
    With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.
    The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.
    The King immediately summoned Nick...

    The moral of the story – “Pay your bills.”

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