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Thread: we need a humor forum.....until then

  1. #916
    Join Date
    Mar 2017
    Location
    Westchester NY and Delray FL
    Posts
    129

    Humor

    I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the person
    behind me leaned on there horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
    “Take the high road,” I thought to myself.

    So when I got to the first window I paid for there order along with my own.

    The cashier must have told them what I'd done, because as we moved up they leaned
    out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously
    embarrassed that I had repaid there rudeness with a kindness.

    When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took there food also.

    Now they had to go back to the end of the line start all over.

    Don't honk your horn at old people.

  2. #917
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Location
    Ames, Iowa
    Posts
    551

  3. #918
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    State of Confusion
    Posts
    409
    Little Jimmy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

    Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Jimmy down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Jimmy came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

    Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Jimmy was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

    This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

    Finally, little Jimmy brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Jimmy got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Jimmy looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

    Little Jimmy looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

  4. #919
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Location
    North Eastern Australia
    Posts
    203
    A bloke phoned his brother and said "I'm sure my wife is having an affair, she didn't come home last night. Is it ok if I come over to talk?"
    Brother replied "Sure................I'll let her know you're coming."

    * doggie *

  5. #920
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    Down By the Cedar River
    Posts
    1,188

    Uncle Joe

    For True
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  6. #921
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    276

    best lovers

    > A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a spectacular gorgeous woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. As if his prayers were answered, she took the seat right beside his.
    >
    > Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
    >
    > She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. The Annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago."
    >
    > He swallowed hard. Here was this most beautiful woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
    >
    > "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
    >
    > "Really," he said. "What myths are those?"
    >
    > "Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
    > Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."
    >
    > Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
    >
    > "It's Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba!"

  7. #922
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Brisbane, Australia
    Posts
    2,381
    Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower - Mongrel, Coot and Bluey .
    As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
    As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.
    Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
    Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer. Bluey says,
    'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
    'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
    'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead, and she gave you a case of beer?'
    'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
    She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'
    Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..'
    Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

  8. #923
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Location
    North Eastern Australia
    Posts
    203

    Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

    When I was CSM (Company Sergeant Major) at an Australian Army training school the Major told me that private Smith's Father had died and asked me to break the news to him.

    On the next parade I said "Private Smith, your father died yesterday". Private Smith then fainted.

    A few days later the Major told me that private Jones' mother had died and asked me to break the news to him, but to be a bit more sensitive about how I told him.

    So next parade I said "All those with mothers take one pace forward".

    Then................

    "Private Jones, where are you going?"

  9. #924
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Northern California
    Posts
    169

    Tampons

    Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
    The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
    'Eight', the boy replied.
    The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
    The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
    "Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
    "Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

  10. #925
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    276

    A Total Guy Joke

    True Friends ~ A Total Guy Joke








    After enjoying a day of golf, a guy brings his golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30.

    His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen table, open mouthed, listening to her tirade.





    "My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess and the dishes are still in the sink. I’m completely exhausted! I didn’t get enough sleep last night. Can't you see I'm still in my pajamas? I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!



    So why the xxxx did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid a-hole!?”





    “Because he’s thinking of getting married……….."

  11. #926
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Location
    North Eastern Australia
    Posts
    203
    Little Johnny to teacher.

    "Miss, can I get in get in trouble for something that I didn't do ?"

    Teacher.

    "Certainly not Johnny"

    Johnny.

    "That's great, because I didn't do my homework"

  12. #927
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    State of Confusion
    Posts
    409

    The Hairdresser and The Trip

    A woman was at her NY hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

    "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

    "We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

    “United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

    "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Taste.”

    "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump.”

    "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”

    "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. ”You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.”

    A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

    "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and we had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on us hand and foot..

    And the Taste hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!”

    "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.”

    "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet us.

    Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..”

    "Oh, really! What'd he say?”

    He said: "Who F’ed up your hair?"

  13. #928
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    Location
    Northern California
    Posts
    169

    Four old retired guys.

    Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma , Arizona . They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."
    They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
    The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
    There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.
    In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
    The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
    Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying,"That's 40 cents, please."
    They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.
    Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
    "I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."
    "Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
    As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
    Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"
    The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida . They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price.

  14. #929
    Join Date
    Oct 2019
    Posts
    276

    A&M calls Obama 5th Best President in America!

    A Texas A&M Study Calls Obama 5th Best President in America , thorough research work by a fine institution. From a total of 45 US Presidents, Obama is rated as 5th best. The A&M Public Relations Office released this statement: "After 8 years in office, Americans have rated President Obama the 5th best President ever." These are the details according to Texas A&M:


    1. Reagan, Lincoln and Trump tied for first,


    2. Twenty three presidents tied for second,


    3. Seventeen presidents tied for third,


    4. Jimmy Carter rated fourth,


    5. Obama came in fifth.

  15. #930
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    State of Confusion
    Posts
    409
    Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a retirement community.
    They met in the social center and discovered over time that they
    enjoyed each other's company.
    After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight,she accepted.

    They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic
    restaurant in town. And despite his age, Claude ! was still a
    charmer. Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for anafter-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and, age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a mos enjoyable roll in the hay.

    As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.

    Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been
    more gentle."

    Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have
    taken off my pantyhose."

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